Balls, babies and buttons…

Oh my dog, this is fab:

England men, England women, England boys, England girls
Tears of pride will stain your faces when we conquer the world
England is the motherland of football
And the World Cup will once again be hers

Football will be our only weapon
Skill and power will be our only shield
We fought them on the beaches
Now we'll play them on the field
And once again the world will surely yield

England…

Penned and sung by one Justin Hawkins (The Darkness!), it's his take on the World Cup theme. Apparently that's some fitba thing happening soon. Anyway, so far as I can tell, it's not the actual one, cos people reckon it's too racist and it ~ lummies! ~ mentions the war!

The link was sent me by me always useful and thoroughly clever younger sister ("aye thank you"), who, strangely, is still not enamoured of Sir Sean of Bean, even after havin' a quick squiz at all them Sharpe photos on here. Crikey blimey Charlie, eh. Maybe she needs her glasses changing, heheheheheheee…

Speaking o which, I've heard tell he's pulling on his fitba boots for a wee spot of char-i-dee May 3rd, somewhere in Reading. Apparently, Lee Sharpe ("Lee Sharpe! Lee Sharpe!") will also be donning the leathers. Interesting… Fitba's a beautiful game… when there's summat worth watching legging it up and down't pitch…

TV adverts that have pissed me off this week: that one about Enfagrow milk powder shite (or whatever the name is. I were so angry about the ad I never actually took in the product there were supposed to be selling me). Apparently, if you feed your babbie this shite he'll become a genius and you'll all get rich and live happily ever after. I've not got a problem with them telling people these outright lies, I have a problem wi the way it's done. Advert goes summat like this:

Stroppy 4/5 year old: I don't want to eat my dinner! I don't like it!
Beautiful, wealthy, successful, caring parents: [whining like fuck] Oh come, come, be a good boy and eat some…
Stroppy 4/5 year old: No! I won't! [folds arms to signify 'conversation' is over]
Cue voice-over telling you to make him a glass of milk instead, cos it contains all the vitamins and minerals and shite he needs to, not only grow up normal even though he's clearing in need a of good kickin' and several square meals, but will also be a genius cos it makes his brain grow! Wow! A wonder food!

Fuck. Me.

I was SPITTING when I saw this ad. I know they 'ave to shift the crap somehow, but come on… The problem is, parents in HK can be like this. Thankfully, there also a lot of em who bloody are not, and take no crap from kids as won't eat their dinner. I were thinking how it would have gone in my house back home if I'd attempted to not eat me dinner. Hmm, perhaps something like this:
[world wibble wobbles and reforms in a perfect memory of:]

Me: I'm not eatin' it! You can't make me!
Dad: Eat it, or there's nowt else.
Me: No!
Dad: Fine. If you don't eat it now, yer sister can 'ave it and then you'll 'ave to go to bed hungry. You think I'm joking. Just you try it, lady Jane.
Me: [thinks] Er… right then. I think he's called me bluff right enough. Bugger.

What happened? I learnt discipline and respect for me parents, and grew up wi'owt the need for useless gimmicks an tricks to make me do stuff. Simple. I really want to go ont TV and tell these soppy parents to sort their fucking lives out and, on the odd occasion wee ah Wai won't eat his dinner, you give im a slap and tell im to be thankful (kids in Africa, homeless all around us, etc, etc,) and if he dunt want to eat it he dunt 'ave to. He's just not getting owt else till he does. Simple, yet effective.

Right then, I feel better now, I think. Pic of the day then? Hmm, let me think… something that fits me mood today…


"Shurrup Harris!"

Peach and lube, then eh.


Tags:
football ~ World Cup ~ Reading FC ~ Justin Hawkins ~ The Darkness ~ Lee Sharpe ~ TV adverts ~ Richard Sharpe ~ Sean Bean

Random Thoughts

You know what separates us from t' animals? Apart from fences? Simply this: The ability to sit ont loo and stop yourself from peeing when you realize, at the very last second, that there's no toilet roll.

Something else I realized today: Why my handwriting is so bad. Cos I dunt give a shit, that's why. I don't respect my handwriting. And by extension, nor myself neither. Is this why I do all the stupid, self-destructive things I do? Cos it's easier to say "aw fuck it, wont really serious about this Life thing anyway" than admit I tried and failed?

Was I a manic depressive in my past life?
Or am I just bored?

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Forlorn Philosopher. Where You Lived: Turkey. How You Died: Natural causes.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Maybe I shouldn't have drunk so much. Bugger it. I think I need a hug.





Tags:
past life ~ Xena ~ handwriting

Goin' to war ont cup o tea

"The entire British empire was built on cups of tea, and if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken." Damned right.

I need me tea int morning. Don't talk to me 'less I've had one first. Otherwise you might well get a mouthful o shite or just nasty threats involving painful deaths by kitchen utensils. Not that you'll be in a situation where that'd be a problem ~ I've been living alone for a few weeks now, and am completely happy with the arrangement, thank you very much. Woe betide the unfortunate fucker who wants to move in wi me these days ~ nowadays I'm takin me privacy much more seriously, and am happier forrit.

MSN. Fucking MSN. I wish it'd never been invented. You turn it on, and Bam! millions o people you don't really want to talk to suddenly converge on your pathetic attempt at an original screen name, sending you all kinds of shite to do wi stuff that's about as interesting as Liz Hurley's old school reports. Ok, I'll admit, sometimes it's useful to be able to instantly annoy people halfway round't globe, but honestly, is it really necessary to have to have reams an reams o contact details? I'm running Adium X, which is just fab cos you can turn it on and lurk wi'owt people seeing you (but like same as every other messenger programme, you can't send messages while "invisible". Bastards.), but it comes wi all sorts o funny tricks an bells an whistles an all. Things like it shouting "mail motherfucker!" (from Eurotrip, o course) when someone sends you summat. Or being able to type in "/insult" and having it write a whole Shakespearian foul-mouthed stinker. Fantastic.

And no, I don't find McDonald's new advert amusing. It's clever, in a "wow, must have taken all o five minutes to make" kinda way. Substituting the Chinese word for rice, "faahn" in front o the word "tastic" to make the name of a new burger that uses – unsurprisingly, rice! – to replace the bap has brought me no end of agro. Why? I'm a teacher. So when some wee kid does something I want him to do again, I say crap like "well done, good job, fantastic!". Now I get a chorus o wee voices shouting "oh! You speak Chinese!" Woah, woah, woah, hold on there, bit of a jump, int it? Remind ourselves where the word "tastic" comes from first, shall we?

And while we're at it, what's wi all the American accents anyway? Pisses me off. Parents talk about "I want little Johnny to speak real English" and then send him off to some American teacher. Riiiiiiight. Not that I'm territorial. Not at all. No, no, no, no! Don't misunderstand me; it's not that I think the American accent is a bad thing or owt, but since when were it a "real" English accent? Be careful ~ there's a fine line between English and England. These days parents know better than to ask me why I tell kiddies NOT to say "I'm good" when asked the hated question "how are you?". They are told, in specific terms, that this is tantamount to calling me outside for a quick lesson in not upsetting your kids' teacher, courtesy of fists, feet and foreheads.

Talking of accents, watched The Island last night, and that's an accent minefield, if ever there were one… I watched it for the three pieces of eye candy… Ewan McGregor, Sean Bean and, er, Ewan McGregor…
Poor Sean, forced to put on his RADA theatre-voice for duration of 't film. He did do a good job, but every now and then, when he were a little put out, it slipped just a tad. Maybe he should have ad a nice hot cup o tea first, eh. Lovely though ~ a tiny chink that reminds you why you watched the film int first place. Like watching GoldenEye and listening for the tell-tale vowels and finals that scream "Yorkshire!" whenever he's trying oh-so-hard to be a stiff-arsed Brit with a BBC presenter's voice. Lines like: "What's true is that in 48 hours, you and I will have more money than God", delivered wi enough up-his-arse treacle to convince you he has no regional accent. Bah! Balls to yer BBC accent, he should have been a proper Pennines-boy baddie! Such a waste of a fantastic voice…


Now Ewan McGregor, by comparison… Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear… Not that I think he did a shite job, it just… sounded very artificial. Don't get me wrong; I think he did a great job in Down With Love and of course Big Fish, but they were very way-out, distinctive accents. This time he were attempting something that may have supposed to have been "normal", mainstream and usual. It almost worked. Until his original character appeared speaking normally. Then the difference in everything was enormous ~ is it a strain acting in a strange accent? Cos it seemed to dampen his acting too. Once he'd switched to the "fake" Scottish one he were a much better actor. Hmm.

Anyway, that'll have to do today ~ stuff to be getting on wi, you understand. Will leave you with a lovely quote from Sharpe's Eagle:

[Gibbons has just challenged Sharpe to a duel]
Hogan: Oh give me your hand, sir! You're a brave fellow, Gibbons ~ Sharpe's a killer! Killed three French cavalrymen and saved Wellesley's life - three seconds, slash, cut thrust! And that was when he was still a sergeant... Shall we say six o'clock tomorrow morning, in the field behind the camp? Or should we say it was damn dark, and you made a damn bad mistake?
Gibbons: Silly mistake. Say no more about it, eh?
Hogan: Good thinking, Gibbons. Sharpe would have shot out your left eye at a minute past six, and you'd have spent all day tomorrow looking up at nothing with the other.

No doubt after he'd finished his cup o tea. Fab. Have ordered the boxed set o Sharpe from Amazon, just have to wait a while for it to arrive, so peach and lube all round then!

Tags:
Lock Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels ~ tea ~ MSN ~ Adium X ~ Eurotrip ~ Shakespeare ~ McDonald's ~ American ~ English ~ accent ~ The Island ~ Sean Bean ~ Ewan McGregor ~ Yorkshire ~ Down With Love ~ Big Fish ~ Sharpe

Battle of 'Astings...

The Battle of Hastings

(by Marriot Edgar.)


I'll tell of the Battle of Hastings,
As happened in days long gone by,
When Duke William became King of England,
And 'Arold got shot in the eye.


It were this way - one day in October
The Duke, who were always a toff
Having no battles on at the moment,
Had given his lads a day off.


They'd all taken boats to go fishing,
When some chap in t' Conqueror's ear
Said 'Let's go and put breeze up the Saxons;'
Said Bill - 'By gum, that's an idea.'


Then turning around to his soldiers,
He lifted his big Norman voice,
Shouting - 'Hands up who's coming to England.'
That was swank 'cos they hadn't no choice.


They started away about tea-time -
The sea was so calm and so still,
And at quarter to ten the next morning
They arrived at a place called Bexhill.


King 'Arold came up as they landed -
His face full of venom and 'ate -
He said 'lf you've come for Regatta
You've got here just six weeks too late.'


At this William rose, cool but 'aughty,
And said 'Give us none of your cheek;
You'd best have your throne re-upholstered,
I'll be wanting to use it next week.'


When 'Arold heard this 'ere defiance,
With rage he turned purple and blue,
And shouted some rude words in Saxon,
To which William answered - 'And you.'


'Twere a beautiful day for a battle;
The Normans set off with a will,
And when both sides was duly assembled,
They tossed for the top of the hill.


King 'Arold he won the advantage,
On the hill-top he took up his stand,
With his knaves and his cads all around him,
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.


The Normans had nowt in their favour,
Their chance of a victory seemed small,
For the slope of the field were against them,
And the wind in their faces an' all.


The kick-off were sharp at two-thirty,
And soon as the whistle had went
Both sides started banging each other
'Til the swineherds could hear them in Kent.


The Saxons had best line of forwards,
Well armed both with buckler and sword -
But the Normans had best combination,
And when half-time came neither had scored.


So the Duke called his cohorts together
And said - 'Let's pretend that we're beat,
Once we get Saxons down on the level
We'll cut off their means of retreat.'


So they ran - and the Saxons ran after,
Just exactly as William had planned,
Leaving 'Arold alone on the hill-top
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.


When the Conqueror saw what had happened,
A bow and an arrow he drew;
He went right up to 'Arold and shot him.
He were off-side, but what could they do?


The Normans turned round in a fury,
And gave back both parry and thrust,
Till the fight were all over bar shouting,
And you couldn't see Saxons for dust.


And after the battle were over
They found 'Arold so stately and grand,
Sitting there with an eye-full of arrow
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.


Fucking fab, haven't heard that in ages and it's still every bit as good as it were before… For a good collection of all the old classics, try HERE.

Peach and lube.


Tags:
Hastings ~ Saxons ~ Normans ~ William the Conqueror ~ Harold

Taxi Drivers, eh.

What a lovely shot o Christian Bale that is ~ pity it's nowt to do wi today's post… Just nice to look at, eh.

Got int taxi t'other night, pretty much three sheets t'wind, asking the driver very politely (knowing I were a bit mullered ~ or Mullah'd, whatever) for Sands Street. He obliged, but barely a minute went by 'fore he felt he had to comment on me Chinese.

Odd that he thinks that, cos I can say a street name, I'm completely fluent, thinks I, but then thoroughly blunt my entire point by carrying on a conversation about foreigners speaking Chinese anyway.
Nice to hear someone trying to speak to locals, says he.
I always do, but normally in English, says I.
Why use English when you can speak Chinese? says he.
Because, says I, wondering if I really want to get into it at 1am with only two street blocks to go 'fore home, even if I walk into a place and start asking fer't menu in Chinese, they bring me the English one. Habit, I s'pose.
He started laffing, and to being wi I thought "screw you, mate,", then I had to see't funny side. Until he said he thought I were American. That kinda put a downer on things, and I were just assessing the odds of us both living if I smacked the back of his head in while doing forty mile an hour, when he said he were just guessing cos he hadn't heard me speak English. And anyway, even if he had, he couldn't tell the difference as his English wont too great anyway.

The upshot was, it didn't come to handbags at dawn seeing as how I forgave im an that, and eventually I paid im and got out, no trouble, and swayed all't way home. I were just thinking I could go one whole entry wi'owt mentioning Sharpe, but no, cos I've just thought of a blinder that summed up how lovely and warm-drunk I was:
Colonel: You sway, sir!
Lieutenant: Invariably sir… I seem to catch the wind more than most, on account of my natural willowiness.

Cue me whistling me way up't stairs an wondering if there were any more vodka in the freezer.

Still waiting fer me copies of Life On Mars from England, but I can wait… after all, I've seen't series already, I know how fab it is. I'm just waiting for DCI Gene Hunt's amazing Huntisms… I was recently reminded o this one:
Sam: A Black Car?
Leonard: A Ford... Granada
Sam: Registration?
Leonard: E… Dunno.
Gene: Sorry ~ was that like you saying the letter E and you don't know the rest, or was that like you saying..."Eee, I dunno!

Class, bring ont DVD! Anyway, that's me done, an as I've just paid me electric bill online and done all't paperwork I'm supposed to have done already, I think I'll nip out and see if I can't find Syriana int cinema.

Peach and lube.

Tags:
Christian Bale ~ Chinese ~ English ~ American ~ vodka ~ Gene Hunt ~ Life On Mars

Shooting, Swearing and Shagging…

Hard life being a soldier, I guess. Yes, we watched Sharpe's Eagle (oooh er missus, etc) and had time for a few screen-caps… This one has to be my favourite so far: I don't know whose expression is better, Harper's or Sharpe's...


No time for anything else really, just that Arctic Monkeys should have another mini-album thing out April 24th, a day after Sharpe's Challenge (the new one!) airs on what used to be ITV in England. Have to wait till DVD over here, but never mind. Just means I can get screen-caps off o that an all. Got to love modern technology.
But lookie who turned up in Sharpe's Justice ~ conspiracy theories abound, seeing as them two are both in my Fantasy Royal Marines Commandos Corp. Hmm…


So carry on everyone: George W. Bush is still a wanker, Aaron Kwok's new songs are still not in any karaoke box, Spider-Man 3 is still in production, and we're hoping "They Call Me Bruce" is too. And that Bruce Campbell gets his website working soon too…

Whoops, nearly forgot: Happy birthday to Sean Bean, who turned late forty-something yesterday. Ahhh! Bless his wee cottons, and I hope Sheffield win just for im!

Peach and lube.

Tags:
Sean Bean ~ Sharpe ~ Arctic Monkeys ~ Royal Marines ~ George Bush ~ Spider-Man 3 ~ Bruce Campbell ~ Aaron Kwok ~ Gene Hunt ~ Life On Mars

"I'm a Prince, not a doctor…"

Ere now, that Siddig El Fadil ~ he's done awreyt fer himself, hasn't he just? Started off doing theatre, TV work an suchlike, got a steady job working on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine fer what, seven years or summat, and now look ~ bam! Crops up in Syriana wi George Clooney. And he's still cute as a button! Haven't seen Syriana yet, will maybe wait fer't VCD, and then I'm only watching it fer Bashir. Sorry, Siddig…

And didn't we almost pee ourselves in excitement? Yes, we sat and watched Sharpe's Rifles, and crikey blimey Charlie, it were FAB… Favourite moments include: Sharpe first meets Pat Harper, Sharpe and Pat have a fight int hay wi broken bottles and suchlike, Sharpe gives his new "Chosen Men" some harsh words ("Chosen Men are yer? Well I didn't chyoose yer!"), Sharpe gives Senorita Teresa the eye (and some really crappy pick-up lines!), Sharpe shows a few officers of the blood why you should never trip a rifleman… The list goes on.


But bloody ell, I think that green rifleman's jacket is superglued on ~ he never bloody takes it off! It must be bloody stiff wi all the mud and shite that it's been soaked in, and yet it never gets so much as an unbuttoning past the sixth or so button. Fuck's sake! Where's the justice? Where's the fairness? Where's the talent, man! Come on! This is girlie porn is this ~ sweaty, muddy fighting men with Yorkshire accents and a talent fer bar-room brawling. All that's missing is a few shots of im wi'owt his jacket. Come on, don't let us down now.


Guess we'll have to wait till't next DVD, eh. Hope springs eternal. Peach and lube.

Tags:
Siddig El Fadil ~ Julian Bashir ~ Star Trek ~ Syriana ~ George Clooney ~ Sean Bean ~ Sharpe ~ Chosen Men ~ porn

Idols: Man Your Stations!

First off, happy birfday to my big sister, who continues to beat me in just about every aspect of life ~ has had a good bloke fer years, has a grown-up, respectable job, is driving one sports car while restoring a cult classic, etc. etc. etc. When I grow up, I want to be like her. She's reyt good at shouting too (she has red hair). I won't be at her party, seeing as I'm 5,000 miles away, but I sent her a suitably irreverent card.

I believe every person should have more than one, as there are many aspects to life and I don't think any one person can cover all't bases. After having revelled in the shocking rudeness and blatant sarcastic meaness of one Dr Perry Cox from 'Scrubs'... (exhibit A:

Elliot: Oh, Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie, no... it makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively *to* clowns.
Elliot: I'm sorry, that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.
Dr. Cox: Ooh, Backbone Barbie.)

… I thought he'd be my God of Vitriol. But no ~ Dr House wins this round. He's so… cutting! And he backs it up wi stern features, the Rolling Of The Eyes and a general "you know I don't give a shit" air. Fucking ace ~ he's Idol of the Week! Exhibit B:

Dr. Foreman: Chase, stop.
[Dr. Chase stops]
Dr. House: How'd you get him trained so fast? Electronic collar? Got dog treats in your pocket?

After a disasterous time at karaoke last week (whereby we found to our horror that not on establishment had any new Aaron Kwok material, despite new CD
having come out last Christmas) I need cheering up. And what did I find in HMV Central today? The complete set of Sharpe DVDs! How fab is that? I restrained meself and only bought the one, Sharpe's Rifles, which I hope is the first one int series. After a thorough screening I hope to post the pertinent screen-caps here an all! In case you've forgotten just how eloquent our Richard can be, take a quick squiz at this here taken from my personal favourite so far, Sharpe's Waterloo:

Class.

Went to't pub quiz t'other night and came a miserable 5th ~ again. However, were cheered up no end by' name o team in second place (I think): "It took 3 days to make Gene Pitney's coffin out o mahogany, but only 24 hours from balsa"! Fucking funny is that, were laffing fer ages!

Thanks to someone accidentally pressing't emergency stop button ont escalator today in Tai Koo Shing (you know who you are), I had some 25 year old handling me arse. I don't know which surprised me more, his hand on my arse to steady himself from falling over and into me (he were two steps below me!) or his very proper apology that flew straight after. Good fer't laff though, eh.

Now I have an inordinately long lunch break these days, yet little time at home, so I find meself writing blog entries in a notebook to type up later if I'm still int reyt mood. So fer all them nosey fuckers that like to lean over and try to read what I'm writing wi so much concentration, there it is ont right. And don't worry, you can see it the real thing HERE. Clever, me. Although I do have to admit, it'd be easier wi squares in me book.

Peach and lube.

Tags:
Scrubs ~ Hugh Laurie ~ House ~ karaoke ~ Aaron Kwok ~ Thematic ~ idol ~ Sharpe ~ Sean Bean ~ Gene Pitney

Bollocks!

Ok, so Aaron Kwok didn't take home the award for Best Actor last night… But his time will come ~ next year, when he's nominated for Best Actor for "After This, Our Exile" (still shooting as we speak). Well, bloody hope so, anyroad. Can't believe he didn't win this year, to be honest, but there y'are, can't speak fer everyone's taste.



Tags:
Aaron Kwok ~ HK Film Awards ~ Asian Cinema

The 25th Hong Kong Film Awards (2006)

I've tickets to attend the HK Film Awards Presentation Ceremony this year. Balls to your Oscars, these are much more fun ~ they stick to the principal that, the sooner you dish em out, the sooner you can get to the parties afterwards. My kind o ceremony! And being able to go and see it for real… how fab is that? I've been watching it ont telly fer't past three years, and this year I can actually go! Think of it: the guests, the actors, the directors, the excitement, the atmosphere, Aaron Kwok winning Best Actor and the audience going nuts… Well, hopefully, anyway I have $100 on him winning, so that selection/judging committee had better not let me down…

After all, nominating Tony Leung Ga-Fai twice (for different roles, obviously) is just rude. Could you not have found the bottom of another barrel to scrape? Andy Lau is a twice past winner anyway, so he dunt need another trophy. And there's nowt wrong wi Simon Yam ~ he just didn't do as world-changing a job as Aaron Kwok, that's all (as inspector Syun from "Divergence". Yes, the crazy one). This is Aaron's first nomination ever in HK, and his best proper chance o winning. I mean, Taiwan awarded him the Golden Horse for Best Actor last year (again, his first and only nomination there), so he can't be all that shite. It dunt guarantee im an award o course, but we're hoping it helps.
But how did Jackie Chan's "The Myth" get nominated fer't Best Picture and not "Divergence"? Just not right ~ got to hope "Election" or even "Initial D" get it, eh. Although if the latter does get it, it'll just go to show how the Awards are grasping at straws. Not that "Initial D" were a bad film, I just dunt think it deserves a Best Picture award.

Actually, looking at the nominations list, it seems they've kept all of em to the same small circle. I wonder how many films were made in HK since April '05? And the best they can do is nominate the same four or five for each category? Hmm. It's not just foreigners that under-appreciate HK films. In fact, it's hard to find any bloke-on-the-street John Lee that considers HK-made films useful and essential. Most of my friends seem to think o them as, at worst, disposable, uninventive clones of previous similarly poor efforts. At best, they think they're desperate Hollywood wannabes, or straight copies of "Infernal Affairs" and any other top-grossing HK film. Notice how the adverts for Andy Lau's "Wait Till You're Older" owe more than a passing nod to Tim Burton's "Big Fish"?

These are not my views of the HK film industry. It's had some bad times (name any '80's sex comedy or vampire-slaying horror flick) but it's also had some fucking fantastic times, in all genres: "Seoul Raiders", "Election", "Storm Riders", "Infernal Affairs" (1 and 3 ~ 2 was completely lost on me, I have to admit), "Moonlight in Tokyo", "Enter the Phoenix", "King of Comedy", "Divergence", Stephen Fung Dak-Lun's "Fist of Fury", "Initial D", "Shaolin Soccer"… The list goes on, and these are just the ones I can name off top o me head. Now with this entertainment expo on, perhaps locals ~ and foreigners ~ will make the effort to't get back int cinemas and watch em! HK films deserve audiences!

Tags:
Aaron Kwok ~ Andy Lau ~ Tony Leung ~ Jackie Chan ~ HK Film Awards ~ Divergence ~ Election ~ Initial D ~ Hollywood ~ Tim Burton ~ Asian Cinema

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

So I get off my arse and go see Inside Man ~ I need the Clive Owen fix. I'm in Causeway Bay, but can I find the entrance to't cinema? Can I fuck. They're having renovations done, so the door's moved. I walk inside Times Square and miss the wee hidden entrance twice.

I find the box office, back-track to 't entrance to House 4, and I'm set. When I find my seat and settle myself, I'm thinking perhaps I couldn't be arsed. But I'm always like this, right? Every time I go: "I really want to see that film 'fore it ends" but when I get near the theatre I'm thinking about millions n hundreds o things I could be doing instead. But anyway, I'd bought the ticket already, so I was content to get my coat (in anticipation of the fucking harsh air-con), settle down and let it start.

Cue the Nuisance Round. This involves me being fucked off by some other punter, putting me int bad mood 'fore the film even starts. This time it's two pairs of fuckers ~ of an unlikely source. We've got two blond American-spewing international school kids being adolescent wankers in that "look at me, ain't I cool cos I'm not a dirty local" fucking annoying way ~ no surprise there then. I wanted to get up and boot em till they were either lying face-down in their own blood or running fer't hills. I had to be content wi watching some other foreigner tell em to pack it in. It worked. There was some to-do about em trying to get int someone else's seats, but it came to nowt. Problem solved, I thought.

No. A gentleman loud of voice and oblivious of mentality questioned some other bloke's seat number. The show was packed, nearly everyone has turned up, and this bloke were just trying to make sure he were int right seat ~ fair enough. Except for what happened next.
"Sorry boss, I think you'll find that's my seat."
"Oh aye, sorry pal, so et es," came the response. Some shifting of seats, then:
"You're not American then?"
"Noe! British," comes the forced bemused reply, but I've already clocked the accent and am hoping what I think's going to happen next doesn't happen next. It does:
"Oh, English, right?" Cue long pause.
"Not at all. Yirself?"
"Canadian," he says. Now, me ant family are kindly disposed to Canadians, my sister being one an all. "So you English are stuck with Tony Blair, eh?" he continues. Bad move for him, for me, and for perr Jock Tamson's man.
"Well –"
"Oh, I know, don't worry. We've had it up to here with George W. Bush and Tony Blair," he begins. He starts to give us a narration of the whole Iraqi war bollocks with statistics an all, and rants on about it being all people ever talk about. He rants on, and on… one monotonous, droning buzzing sound…

Int words of another annoying fucking "president" of the USA, "let me make one thing perfectly clear": I am sick of listening to people carping on about fucking George W. Bush! Everywhere you go, if there are foreigners there, it's fucking George W. Bush this and George W. Bush that ~ stop it right now ya cunt, 'fore I get up and give you a tanning wi both feet!

All the time the poor Scot is quiet, ostensibly listening. I'm plugging my ears, biting my phone lanyard, anything to stop the constant buzzing sound of torture from boiling my brain and having it slip-slide out me ears. Then it comes ~ ALL DEITIES, BE THEY MAJOR OR MINOR, LOVE THE SCOTS:
"He, sorry pal, but I dinnae gie a fuck, likesay."
Fantastic. Now that's a biscuit fer dippin'!

So the film ~ bit slow in places, and Clive dunt get his kit off so no Brownie points to be had there. But it turns out I really quite liked his character, and how it all ended up an all. Every player did well, the story kind o held together but then again, I was only interested in seeing one outcome ~ and I got it. Fab! It also had a couple o good one-liners and there was of course the "let me see your shoe" from Buff Police Sidekick to Denzel. Like Ocean's 11, even the seemingly superfluous bits weren't ~ I was confused as to why they bothered to even include Jodie Foster, and then tried to find a way to cut her out. Just wouldn't work ~ she's needed in the same way as Danny Ocean's apparent surprised and ignorance of his wife's presence. It all needs to be. I'm not saying it's a masterpiece, far from it, but overall it had me smiling. Not a bad way to spend $50.

In more fun news, my wee sister sent me THIS an it's fab. I'm an 18 certificate, apparently. No surprise there then eh.
Peach and lube.

Tags:
Clive Owen ~ Inside Man ~ George Bush ~ Scottish ~ Tony Blair ~ Denzel Washington ~ Ocean's 11 ~ Jodie Foster ~ Xena