Robbies, Beans, balls n dragons…

Busy week.

Spent Thursday night heaving fer England, caused in part by dodgy coconut-type substances, in part by about seven vodkas, a few beers and several rather questionable garishly coloured shots. Me own fault, really.
Thursday afternoon were right funny though. Back int classroom wi a few wee students, talking about going sightseeing in Hong Kong. Kinda went summat like this:
cue wibbly wobbliness, straightening out to:

Me: Me: So, have you ever been to Ocean Park?
Student: Yes, I have gone to Ocean Park.
Me: [correctin' tone of voice] I have been to Ocean Park.
Student: Oh, I have been to Ocean Park.
Me: [to second student] And what about you? Have you been to Ocean Park?
Student: Yes, I have also gone to Ocean ~
Me: Been.
Student: Sorry sorry, I have also been to Ocean Park.
Me: Ok, care to tell me about it?

Cue another twenty minutes o describing various fairground rides an shite, talking about waiting times ant weather, who they went wi and how long they were there an that. Quite a good chat. But every goddamn time, they'd say "I have gone" in place of "I have been". So, fighting the good fight, I kept correcting em. It were all going swimmingly, and as they're great kids, we were having a bit of a laff later on once the talking lesson were done. Student 1 started arsing around, talking 'bout where he'd been overseas, and of course came out wi "I've gone to Japan a few times", and t'other student chimed in "BEEN!" top o his lungs, an we all fell about laffing. Then Student 1 starts saying "I've gone been! I've gone been!", which made me wet meself laffing, cos I seem to have gone totally Bean recently.
Exhibit A:



Soccer Aid. What a laff that were an all ~ didn't go, obviously, seeing as how it were at Old Trafford and I were working in Hong Kong. Bummer, eh. But Max Beesley didn't play after all, so I guess I didn't miss much. Was looking forward to im getting his legs out, but hey, what can you do? Robbie Williams captaining England, Gordon Ramsey (who I keep calling Harry Ramsden by accident) captaning the Rest of the World XI? Sounds like it were a great match though, and wi a score like England 2, R.O.W. XI 0, a fab time were had by all…

Saw THIS and started worrying. Big Time. I mean, I loved Anne McCaffrey's Pern books ~ absolutely loved em to bits ~ but I'm right worried they're going to fuck up a big screen adaptation. I'm hoping and praying that she has a hand in it and can hopefully somehow control the production to get it book-like and Sam Raimi-fashion. Not like he's directing it ~ ooh, now there's a thought though. Character-driven? Special FX used to aid the characters' stories, not dictate the film? Hmm, definite possibilities there, Mr Raimi, sir. Fingers crossed, eh.

Just time to smash some more barriers and add an entry in the old "now there's something that makes you believe that, deep down, everyone's just basically the same after all" journal. This lovely blog, in Japanese, makes fer very interesting reading. Well, if yer anything like me, you just ogle at t' pictures. Oh yes sir, lovely page is that. Will be keeping me eye on that little puppy.

Peach and lube. Lots and lots of lube.

Tags:
Ocean Park ~ students ~ grammar ~ Soccer Aid ~ Old Trafford ~ Hong Kong ~ Max Beesley ~ Anne McCaffrey ~ Pern ~ Sam Raimi ~ Sean Bean ~ Sharpe ~ Japanese ~ Robbie Williams

"Step into my office…"

This has been a long time coming… mostly cos I've had it a week and haven't had time to "give it the treatment":

a guest blog! Yay!
'Bout time someone else spouted round here, eh. My most bestest favouritest friend and drinking teacher, Granny Weatherwax (who I swear must have been a high-ranking officer in the 78th Highlanders in a previous life), has deigned to scribble a wee note to us all. Consider yerselves blessed, yer bastards, and get this down yer.


This is actually my second version, as I spent bloody ages writing the first one at work (as opposed to actually doing any work) and the fucking citrix server deleted it due to "inappropriate content".

I did consider doing the whole thing in Scots as a protest to the fuckers who have told me to learn to speak English this week (three of them) – I'll learn English just as soon as you cunts stop trying to mimic my accent by saying "Och aye tha' noo" (which incidentally, I have never heard anyone from Scotland use, other than to moan about Johnny Foreigner using it take the piss out of us) and learn Scots.

I should probably apologise at this point for my piss poor spelling / grammar - but I'm not going to as it's not my fault. I blame the government bright spark who introduced a new "teaching tool" in the mid '70s in Scotland which was "write it like it sounds". Great idea if you're from Perthshire, not so fucking good if you're from anywhere near Glasgow. Thanks for that first step into eternal illiteracy. What's worse is it doesn't matter how much you read and try to re-educate yourself, as you get older you still find yourself using it when you have a mind-blank which with my alcohol fuelled existence is most of the time. Fucking spell check being USA spelling doesn't help either.

Anyhoo....

The BBC did a drama version of Hannibal (elephants over the mountains chappy) with the doctor from Deep Space Nine last week, and as usual managed to fuck it right up! I thought the point of spending millions of pounds of MY money on actors and locations for period dramas was to allow the ACTORS to tell you the story. Why the fuck then was there an incessant voice over telling you what was happening? Shut the fuck up and let me watch it then - I'm not an eejit, I can follow a plot line all on my lonesome! By the by, just in case it ever comes up on a pub quiz, 70,000 troops deserted or died along his route from Africa to Italy and the elephants all got sick because of the cold.
I've also been half-arsed looking for a job the last couple of weeks, which I can now stop doing, woo-hoo, as I'm being promoted to stop me leaving (although that WAS prior to the "inappropriate" e-mail message). Job hunting is shite, just thought I'd mention that. These cunts ask you fucking stupid questions that they don't care about and you have to lie like a fucking dog to get through the interview.

Interviewer: "Why do you want this particular job?"
Me: [thinks:] I don't. I want to stay at home, lye on my sofa, eat bonbons and read trashy books all day DUMBASS. I'm being FORCED to apply for this piece of shit, underpaid and undervalued position with you cunts 'cos my life sucks and I'm not blond / skinny / pretty enough to become a fucking hairdresser and marry some rich, brainless twat!
[I actually say: "Because I feel this role will give me the opportunity to expand on my existing skills and grow as an individual".

Although having been both sides of the interview scenario, at least this lets them know I have the common sense to make up a half-arsed piece of bollocks unlike the candidate who told me she was applying "because my drugs councillor told me to". Nice.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to complain about a scourge on our modern world, I know it's not very politically correct of me but if you've read this far you'll have worked that out. Some of these lily livered liberals think if we go around wiping out whole species it's a bad thing. Poo on them, I say. I really do feel we should band together to rid ourselves of this poison in our society. Yes, you've guessed it, I'm talking about… celery. It contaminates everything it touches and its hold on society seems to be spreading. Almost every time I've gone out for a meal recently some muppet has randomly decided celery should be added to the dish. YUCK!!! we should do to all celery what we did to Chernobyl: tip three hundred tonnes of cement on its ass!

I'm off now to watch the Riddick scene where he pulls himself up on the chains with his arms in slo' mo', and have a glass of wine.

Slugs and Hisses

Tags:
Scottish ~ English ~ Perthshire ~ Glasgow ~ Siddig El Fadil ~ Hannibal ~ interview ~ celery ~ Vin Diesel ~ Riddick

Out o't Mouth o Babes…

Here's a quick "kids say the strangest things":

Last week I were pounced on by two of my (favourite) students ~ two young lads about twelve years of age, both fitba mad and looking forward to't World Cup, o course. Except they were on about some Chinese bloke that's moving to an English Premiership team…

wibbly-wobbly bit, fading to:
a classroom on a bright Thursday afternoon, five minutes 'fore class starts. Students enter, engrossed in latest fitba news from't morning paper.

Student: Hey teacher, look! Ley Dit [Mandarin name: Li Tie] is go to Syu-fey-yi U!
Me: "Going to". [Student faithfully repeats correct phrase.] And "Syu-fey-yi" is "Sheffield" in English, mate. So who's this bloke Ley Dit then?
Student: He before play for Everton, now maybe he go to Sheffee U.
Me: "He used to play for Everton." That's great ~ why are you telling me?
Student: You is Sheffield girl ar!
Me: "You are." But no, Manchester, love, Manchester ~ trust me, it's a-whoooooole-nother world.
Student: Oh. But if he move to Sheffee, he will be close from Syun Ju-Hoy [Mandarin name: Sun ji-Hai]?
Me: No, he plays for Manchester City. Wrong side o't Pennines, mate. Mountains.
Student: Oh. Do you think they will buy him?
Me: No idea. I know of a bloke ont board though ~ should I ask him? [laffing]
Student: I know! I know! The Knight Who Takes 10 Minutes To Die - my mother say.
Me: Could you explain that?
Student: The Knight Who Takes 10 Minutes To Die. From The King of the Ring.
Me: Aaaaaah, you mean Boromir from Lord of the Rings?
Student: Er... yes, I think. My mother very like him.
Me: [to meself] Aye, I bet. Who doesn't?
Student: She like Man U ar, but my father he know all the football people, he say the Knight is boss of Sheffee U.
Me: Well, no, he's not the boss, but... he's on the board of controllers, I think...

How bizarre is that then? Love the name though ~ have to remember that one…

Speaking o names, thanks to a friend as caught up wi me about a month ago, I remembered yet another thing about England that makes me hope to not go back, other than a holiday. Here's me, standing ont platform int rain, waiting fert train which, again, is about thirty bastard minutes late. Thinks: Fuck this fert game o soldiers. Then I hear this wee voice shouting fer China over the noise. Only one person int world shouts "koo-koo ka-choo Suzie-Sue!" So I'm looking around, thinking "she can't really be here, can she?", and lo and behold, there she is, ont other side o platform, waving like the mad woman she is. So hi, and sorry I didn't mention you before. Got yer mail, ta. Check your inbox, have already sent you them naked pics of Aaron Kwok you wanted [grin]. Joking ~ chance'd be a fine thing, eh.

Talkin o naked blokes, saw this trailer for the new James Bond film, Casino Royale, and thought "oooh, should really have changed them blue shorts, love. Don't do a thing for yer mate."

And speaking o World Cup, can you see any justification fer telling cabbies to take down the England flag? We dunt have a hope o winning, why not let em fly the George Cross fer a bit? What harm could it do? Bloody downright PC-madness, if yer ask me, which I know you didn't. Still, I'm sure them as take em down will soon replace em wi bigger ones. It's the English way, after all.

Peach and lube.

Tags:
Sean Bean ~ football ~ World Cup ~ LOTR ~ Knights ~ names ~ Sheffield Utd ~ Everton

Muppets, Banderas, Premiership, Gatchaman – and the Deppster returns…

Ok, I know I haven't been here in ages, had some things to do and weren't really feeling as how I could be arsed to write anything down, but a few things have made me sit and sort out all the shite that's been going round me head fert last week.

Muppets. Most of me students copy things I say, so it's no surprise then that most of em turn on their classmates and say "you muppet" whilst shaking their heads disapprovingly, after their classmates have dropped their pencil or written't wrong date ont paper. Ok, it's a fair cop guv, they got it from me. But then, I AM the muppet to beat all muppets:

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!"

The Muppet Personality Test

See? Don't fuck wi me, I'm Animal, I am…

Antonio Banderas, he of the luuuuuuurvely Spanish eyes and voice, had made another turkey. Sorry, film. I've seen trailer fer it on cable TV, about six times now cos it keeps going round and round… And no, I will not be going. 'Dangerous Minds' wi ballroom dancing? Not really my style, is that. However… it does have Mr Banderas sliding and hoofing about, and he is a luuuuuuurvely thing to look at (and listen to). Hmm. Might weaken one day (if my boxed set o Sharpe runs out) and succumb to Mr Puss-In-Boots charms. Dunno though.

Gordon Banks ("Greatest Goalkeeper of all Time"?) got himself a plaque in his stomping ground o Sheffield this week. Apparently they're building some walk o fame thing and lotsa Sheffield boys are getting recognition. Jarvis Cocker included ~ who will always be my personal hero fer showing his arse to that cunt Michael Jackson, live ont Brit Awards, being beamed round't world by satellite. Gaun yerself, Jarvis! Fucking marvellous, that'll teach the bastard. Except it didn't. Ah well. But good try, eh?
Sir Sean of Bean is getting one too, and about time, I reckon. But I'm biased.

Just time to plug Mr Pretzel's site, as he has this ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MARVELLOUS short film, demonstrating the evils of drinking. I almost died laffing.

And of course, we're all waitin for Pirates 2, hopefully coming sooner rather than later. Saw the trailer fer it, laffed me arse off at Johnny Depp going: "oh… bugger" in that quaint not-quite-Cockney accent he's made up. Lovely. But I've only seen 't trailer once, seeing as everything here is bloody Da Vinci Code this and Da Vinci Code that at't moment. Fuck the Da Vinci Code! I mean, I might watch it to see if Tom hanks dies horribly, but I can't see that happening. Funny thing though – I noticed wee Paul Bettany in there (Prince "Silly Billy" William of Orange, to Sharpe-watchers), might see if he's any good. He did do a damned good job o looking a twat in Sharpe. Is that good acting? Must be, I'm sure he were the bloke that played Chaucer in "A Knight's Tale", and he were really good in that, too.

So what's left, except to tell you have HAVE to watch this, posted on You Tube. Goddamn, but ent it the coolest bit o anime you've ever seen? And it's Gatchman! 'S nowt better than that, man!




Oh no, didn't post a pic. Alright, hang on, let me trawl… Here now, got one.


"Fookin' officer doan't knoa his arse from his elboa!"

Peach and lube.

Tags:
muppets ~ Antonio Banderas ~ Take the Lead ~ Sheffield ~ Gordon Banks ~ Sean Bean ~ Jarvis Cocker ~ Johnny Depp ~ Pirates of the Caribbean 2 ~ Da Vinci Code ~ Tom Hanks ~ Paul Bettany ~ Sharpe ~ Gatchaman

On a more sombre note:

So it's six months today. Six months today that Mum affected a strategic withdrawal from what was laughingly termed her "life". How you can have a life when you only vaguely recognize t' family you sweated to bring up is beyond me. So she was having none of it, and opted to get shot o the emotional suffering she put up wi for so long. I still agree with her. Of course, if she'd decided not to, I would have agreed with that too. That's the thing about family, you always end up being on their side, no matter what you decide before you have it out. How can you not? This is the nature of family.

I shunned the pub quiz tonight in favour of just going home, lighting an incense stick, jamming it int orange and getting a good, stiff drink. Spoon stood up the glass, so it did.

I can't decide if it feels worse now then before. About same, I spose. Guess you never really get over losing a parent.

Anyway, if I don't blog for a few days, you'll know the right of it. Give us a minute, eh.
So picture me all upset and feeling int mood for smashing stuff, and then I forced meself to go over and check out the usual haunts ~ one of em being the Sean Bean list. (Sorry guys, the box wouldn't work on here ~ must be a Blogger thing cos I notice the ChosenLass' box is bloody workin!) And fuck me, give em five minutes and they've righted me overturned canoe and bailed it out fer me. Feeling much better now.

All that remains is to post another heart-warming (well, warms summat, that's for damned sure) pic to round off yet another Monday.



Peach and lube.

Tags:
Sean Bean ~ Aaron Kwok

Name that tune!

Ok, this has been doin't rounds all over blogs everywhere, so now it's my turn. You put your music on shuffle and write down the first lines of the first so many tracks that play. This should be interesting, eh. Here we go then. Where's me iPod, right hang on. Shuffle. Right. Hang on. Oh, here we go.

1. So the story begins… City dweller, successful fella, thought to himself 'whoops I've got a lot of money'
2. My mama wants to know where I'm spending all my dough, honey all she does is nag, nag, nag
3. My baby wants to drive the train, well don't you let her, don't you let her touch the tracks
4. I sold my soul for a second time, cos the man don't pay me
5. 一 聲 閃 電 過﹐無 名 紅 火 將 漆 黑 劃 破
6. 和 妳 分 手 已 有 多 年, 本 來 早 不 應 該 懷 緬
7. How many people have the same name? How many Davids do you know?
8. Get out the way, mister with your short sharp tips no I won't read your lips right now
9. 曾 經 灰 心 , 只 得 一 個 妳 , 在 我 身 旁 從 不 離 開 一 天
10. 燈 光 下 , 永 遠 說 著 真 心 話 , 無 論 對 象 的 高 下 , 你 說 我 是 大 笨 瓜
11. Loose lips sunk ships, I'm getting to grips with what you said
12. Calling all the stars to fall, and catch the silver sunlight in your hands
13. It is you... It is you… I say pressure drop, oh pressure, oh yeah, pressure's got a drop on you
14. Well it's ever so funny, cos I don't think you're special I don't think you're cool
15. Are we the last living souls? Are we the last living souls?
16. 憐 憫 目 光 即 管 繼 續 殘 酷 , 還 你 幸 福 給 你 每 日 延 續
17. 1, 2, 1234… Travelling through a tunnel undersea, you never know if it cracks in half, you're never ever going to see me
18. 獨 坐 是 無 味, 獨 坐 是 困 倦 乏 味
19. 這 個 世 界 似 變 直 變 歪 , 每 個 哲 理 也 有 著 註 解
20. Is the Richard Gere gerbil story true? Who came third in World War 2?
21. Love is a many splendoured thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love! ~ Please don't start that again!
22. When I woke up tonight I said I'm going to make somebody love me
23. Choose life, choose a job, choose a career, choose a family, choose a fucking big television
24. Te estan buscando matador! Me dicen el matador, nacã ­ en Barracas, si hablamos de matar mis palabras matan
25. I eat antipasta twice, just because she is so nice, Angelina
26. Oh hey hey… hey, ah-ha… jolie blon…
Ok, 26 is yer lot cos I'm bored now. Make o that little lot what you will. Oh, almost forgot pic of't day!

Anyway, saw "Dear Frankie" a few nights ago, and it were fab, ta very much. A bit of a downer at the end, mind, but I thought the lad's last letter to his "Dad" was fab. Just goes to show, not all kids are stupid, eh. Gerard Butler was a sight for sore eyes, an all. Lovely voice, too. And he looks like he might be a tidy fucker in a fight ~ might have to add him to my RMC Fantasy Corps, eh.

And no, I'm not going to watch Tom Cruise's latest pile o arrogant shite, otherwise known at Mission Impossible 3. He can take the whole sorry mess and ram it up his arse, where the rest of his personality already is. Not int mood for the wanker right now, have real men to look at [grin].

Peach and lube then.

Tags:
Aaron Kwok ~ Arctic Monkeys ~ Blur ~ Buckwheat Zydeco ~ The Darkness ~ Ewan McGregor ~ Franz Ferdinand ~ Gerard Butler ~ Gorillaz ~ iPod ~ Julian Cheung ~ Los Fabulosos Cadillacs ~ Louise Prima ~ MI:3 ~ Nicole Kidman ~ Oasis ~ Robbie Williams ~ Sean Bean ~ Sharpe ~ The Specials ~ Stereophonics ~ Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts ~ Tom Cruise

What kind of weirdo are you?

Thanks to Jana over HERE, I've taken the ultimate test!!

What kind of Bean addict are you?




Can't say fairer than that...

Peach and lube. And lots and lots of shiny buttons...

Tags:
Sean Bean ~ Sharpe

I'm running out a fingers...

Fuck me, I'm gettin' a little tired of this internet lark. Why is it I need about sixteen million identities and log-in details for the millions an hundreds of different companies offering blog/web/webspace?

First there were Yahoo and then about four different messenger programmes followed. Then there there Blogger. Thought that'd be the end of it. But no. Funny how you think you 'ave everything under control, and then you realize you were living' in a weeny world, not knowin' there were so much more out there...

The long an the short of it is, I've had to open a Live Journal account so as I can read and leave comments on others' pages. Ah well.

Can we not have one identity and related shite, and then use that one to open all of the internet? Making sure I'm logged in and out o every damned place I go to is starting to drive me up the flamin' wall. Still, no choice, eh.


Tags:
none. I'm tryin' to annoy all them crawlers that try to pigeon hole me an my blog.