Wednesday 31 October 2007

Important Learnings and Samhain


So far this week I have learnt:

1. … Earth apparently has two moons, but the second isn’t actually a moon of Earth, per se. Sorry Stephen Fry, it’s not actually one of ours, it just looks like it’s following us. Paranoid? Who says?

2. … the ‘charming word pursqueeter’ [pəsˈqiːtɚ]. Thank you, Dean Winchester, for this little revelation. Bearing in mind it’s technical meaning, it may just replace ‘James Blunt’ as my favourite euphemism.

3. … that you cannot write fan-fiction while yer flatmate’s watching Robbie Williams’s ‘And Through It All’ DVD. Just cannot be done.

4. … that most kids in Hong Kong think Hallowe’en should be a holiday. Whereas I think 1st November should be a holiday – excellent opportunity to get over that Purple Nurple hangover.

5. … and that, after about eight Purple Nurples it becomes very difficult to mix any further ones. For this reason, always have a flatmate / friend / drinking buddy on hand to help you remember what measures yer supposed to be using.

That’s pretty much it for today. I have Robert Burn’s excellent poem ‘Hallowe’en’ up at my LJ, as it’s pretty long and I don’t want to have to post it twice. I’m lazy like that.

So have a good time, whatever it is yer doing tonight ~ don't set fire to owt that isn't yours, don't eat any pumpkins and don't arse about wi any urban legends ~ and I’ll see you all again very soon. After watching ‘Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn’, of course…

Peach and lube, everyone.

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Sunday 28 October 2007

Round up


Not really done much this week, so a quick round-up of all the shite I’ve had to sort out goes like this:

Funniest video int world, in terms of careful editing, sync’d dubbing and excellent, excellent choices of clips with which to demonstrate lyrics, has to be the ‘Supernatural In the Park’ one. That’s as in the fucking ace ‘South Park’, by the way, so expect lots of swearing and generally adult themes. Marvellous! And then of course we’ve been admiring the wide array of Supernatural Drinking Games that are out there. It’s been fun!

Also this week I’ve had to do that thing where you actually pay attention to what someone’s talking about, treat them like they have interesting things to say, you know the drill. Frankie’s been with us since we moved in, so I spose it’s time I actually took notice of what he bangs on about. Frankie’s the fridge, by the way. Sometimes it’s hard to understand everything he does say, ont grounds that he dunt speak English, only Fridge, and bearing in mind the very low ability of household appliances to learn any other language, it’s probably no surprise we don’t actually talk much. But you have to make an effort – I know he’s been feeling neglected lately, mostly by the pools of water ont floor under his feet. So now I’ve been attempting to learn Fridge for a week, I can honestly confirm that I can now distinguish between the sounds and tone of noise for ‘evening!’ and ‘empty my drip-tray, bitch!’ It’s hard, but I’m getting there.

Earlier this week I got my parcel from me big sister, and me new TARDIS 4-way USB hub is now on me Mac as I speak, plugging in my keyboard, my printer and me iPod Nano. It’s ace! Every time you plug in or disconnect a device it makes the (rather loud) vworp vworp noise and the blue lantern on top flashes. I thought the lantern flashed white, but hey, what do I care. It’s very very amusing. Pics are on my LiveJournal post. Woo-hoo!

There are new Wallpapers of the Week up, and I’m doing all I can to find stuff to do so as I don’t have to fight with me ‘Doctor bloody Who’ fan-fic number ten. It’s the last one, it’s the end of my ‘Doctor bloody Who’ writing for at least this year (I remember the same thing happening to my Sharpe stuff last year), but can I get it finished? Can I bloody hell as like. It just keeps growing and growing and growing… Ah well. At least I’ll end on a high, as they say.

And so to Purple Nurples ~ how hard can it be to buy a simple bottle of apple schnapps? Most shopkeepers just look at me like it’s the most random or completely unthinkable thing in the known Universe ~ what? Does no-one else ever drink it? Then how do they make a decent Purple Nurple? It’s just not right, I tell you. After dusting off my shaker, jigger and strainer, and making sure there’s plenty of ice in, I got the rest of the stuff on me list. The only thing I couldn’t seem to find was the apple schnapps. Just not right. CitySuper, Watson’s Wine Cellar in Central, even SOGO don’t have it. In the end I went to ‘great’ in Admiralty’s Pacific Place (downstairs in Seibu) cos they always have real jelly babies (not jelly beans – although why I’d want jelly beans is beyond me) and stuff as I can’t get elsewhere. As it happens, they have a Watson’s Wine Cellar down there that has just about every designer liquer known to man – and a few only known to Romulans.

So then ~ the facts. Bol’s blue curacao: HK$110. Bol’s grenadine syrup: HK$55. Sweet and sour drink mix: HK$33. Teichenné Manzana apple schnapps: HK$118. And of course, good ol’ Stolichnaya vodka (1 litre of): HK$90. Result: close to ten of these after a vodka starter and we’re singing, dancing, and quite frankly laffing at absolutely any old shite that appears on telly. Well worth the struggle – sweet without being nasty, smooth without being smarmy, unpretentious in a ‘I’m just here to do the job’ kinda way: all in all very, very nice shots. Now that’s a biscuit fer dippin’!

Speaking of which, this caught me eye and while I really should not be interested, I am. The new John Cusack movie ‘Martian Child’ looks very, very interesting. For so many reasons. Amanda Peet I can take or leave, but Mr Cusack could make that film very interesting just by giving the kid That Look every time he asks an astoundingly profound question about Life In General. Might go on my watchlist. And then there’s ‘Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street’, containing about a million famous faces, not least of all Johnny Depp who sings in Mockney too. Undecided as to whether to watch this one. Could all be rather shite. Not sure… And then, very very far from finished, we get a teaser trailer for ‘The Dark Knight’, the next in the Batman series. Too early to tell, but at least Alfred’s in the mix. And the last one was so very good.

Right, that’s yer onion, I’m off. It’s too early on a Sunday to do owt but make a fried breakfast and see what happy mail I have this morning.

Peach and lube, everyone.

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Wednesday 24 October 2007

RMC and Purple Nurples


So, to recap (cos I’ve been meaning to do this fer ages now) who’s in me Fantasy Royal Marines Corps:

Sean Bean, Max Beesley, Ewan McGregor, Clive Owen, Christian Bale, Jason Isaacs, Robert Carlyle, Daniel Craig, Karl Urban, Hugh Jackman, Philip Glenister, Gerard Butler, Pierce Brosnan and Sean Pertwee.

To recap the rules: have to be British-born or from the Commonwealth (see what I did there?), capable of doing The Knee Thing to any bugger’s forehead / nose, and of course have one endearing feature (e.g., good with pithy comebacks, cutting remarks, or that old chestnut, look good in army fatigues).

So to the new recruits:

David Tennant (I saw ‘Secret Smile’, I’m not going to argue with him), John Barrowman (the only man in ‘Doctor bloody Who’ who carries a gun and will shoot people in the head – or just beat the crap out of them – and he’s “not just heterosexual”), Nathan Fillion (Cap’n Mal sir – and he’s Canadian), Kevin Smith (no, the other one – we will forever be in love with Ares’s arms, his witty banter and wonderful rendition of brooding, smouldering manliness. And he was a Kiwi. Oh Ares, you are missed), Sir Sean Connery (do I need to explain why?), Aaron Kwok (hey, I saw ‘After This Our Exile’. And he were born in Hong Kong in 1965, so I’m pulling territories).

Ok, so consider yerself caught up now. However, if there are any more you’d like me to add, let me know. We’re doing actors, not characters, remember.

And on to something also in the Woot!Fun category: it started out as a joke, then became a mission, and later this week I’ll be able to get down to the bottle shop in Central and get the ingredients in. And me Red Cross parcel (containing an optic, I believe) is arriving any day now – I love it when a plan comes together. Anyway, finally found a few recipes for the infamous Purple Nurples. Good job there’s more than one, cos I can’t ingest coconut. So take yer pick here:

Purple Nurples (#1)

1oz Malibu Coconut Rum
1 oz Triple Sec
1/2 oz Blue Curacao Liqueur
2 oz Cranberry Juice
Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with Ice. Shake and strain into a glass.

Purple Nurples (#2)

1/4 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
1/4 oz vodka
1/4 oz apple schnapps
1/4 oz sweet and sour mix
1/4 oz grenadine syrup
Pour all ingredients over ice in a cocktail shaker. Shake, strain into a shot glass, and serve.


How fab is that? So apart from ‘Supernatural’ season 2 finishing on a very satisfying moment last night on telly, there’s not a lot to watch. Oh, except praps that new HK film ‘Brothers’, which looks like another famous-names-Fest, and of course Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D at the new cinema in Kowloon Station. Might have to make the crossing to big bad Kowloon to see that – can you imagine Jack Skellington in 3D? Ace, I tell you, all kinds of aceness waiting to happen.

So that’s it then. Peach and lube everyone!

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Thursday 18 October 2007

A Trek by any other name


Short one tonight, folks. It’s the Chung Yeung Festival tomorrow, so I have the day off:

WOO-HOOO!

And then we have a supposedly finalised cast list for the new Trek movie, scheduled for released on Christmas Day, 2008:

Kirk = Chris Pine
Spock = Leonard Nimoy / Zachary Quinto
Scotty = Simon Pegg
Nero = Eric Bana
Uhura = Zoe Saldana
Chekov = Anton Yelchin
Sulu = John Cho
Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy = Karl Urban

How excited are we that Karl Urban is Bones? (Especially remembering he's in me fantasy league of Royal Marine Commandos?) How amazingly cool will that be? Except he’ll be using his US accent, not his native Kiwi. Damn. Ah well, can’t have everything…

Simon Pegg as Scotty? Have to brush up on his accent, methinks, but could be ‘waaaaay cool’ as me US mate would say.

Seems they’re loading up the talent and girlie porn stakes to make sure even non-fangirls / fanboys watch it. This could be interesting. Cos that means they might actually have to write a proper script and not rely on sci-fi loyalty to get by. Hmm...

As long as they don’t balls-up the script, it could be good…

That’s it. I’m out ont tiles. See you later, innovator.

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Sunday 14 October 2007

Geeks of’t world unite ~ against shite!


O my dog. No wait, O my frog and dog. You would not believe the absolutely appalling shite we’ve had to endure on Star World this week. Not only have they stopped showing ‘Psych’ fert Sunday omnibus, they’ve also subjected us to such fucking shite as some American thing called ‘Who Wants To Be a Superhero?’

I ask you. Are we not bombarded wi’ enough shite already, that they have to come up with some bollocks about pretending to be a comic book superhero – fer real? I mean, come on. Whatever happened to writing new shit? Why do we have to put wi’ recycled crap to fill the timetable? Can we have a new series, please? One that’s not derivative of that famous one, or that ground-breaking one, of a month / week / year ago?

I’m the first to admit that I love watching ‘Supernatural’ – fert Jensen Ackles quotient, some would scathingly say.

But I argue it’s fer all them bits of The X-Files we never got to see cos Scully / someone were looking ‘the other way’ at time.

However you slice it, surely it’s derivative of ‘The X-Files’ or some such shite that’s come before. Fair enough.

I’m a sci-fi geek – anyone who reads this will tell you that. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine? I’m there. Babylon Five: get tae fuck. Firefly: I’m there wi bells on. Star Wars: only the first – original – three will do (alright, that’s episodes 4, 5 and 6 fert fellow-geeks). Doctor bloody Who: Two, a wee bit of Five, or Nine, or hyowj great lashings of Ten will do it. Red Dwarf: early eps = in. Films like ‘Alien’ and the sequel ‘Aliens’ : I’m in (‘Alien 3’: no. Good concept done horribly wrong – same as the film version of ‘Stargate’).

Point is, I like sci-fi, grew up on it (‘The Pretender’, ‘Quantum Leap’, ‘The Outer Limits’, ‘Tales From the Crypt’, ‘The Twilight Zone’, to blame but a few), and still love it to bits. But that dunt mean I have to put wi this shite just cos someone thought it’d be a good idea to try and re-package ‘America’s Next Top Model’ while taking a wild leap at back of the money-making train that is ‘Heroes’.

So where does that leave ‘Who Wants To Be A Superhero?’ Ont shit heap, where it deserves to be. Sorry, ‘Stan the Man’ Lee, it’s one step beyond, and in me madness, I refuse to leap. Call me reserved, or staid, or just plain sane, but I’m not going for it. It’s American public lapping up any old shite – as me purr old mate Mr * will attest.

However, in me geekness I do have to read this, stroke me chin, and wonder, just fert moment, if it’s going to be fantasmagorically excellent, or complete shite: Simon Pegg fer Scotty! We shall have to wait and see, methinks…

Believe it or not, everyone’s going to get a ‘peach and lube’ today. Cos it’s Sunday, we’re off to see 'Aida' at the Hong Kong Cultural Centre in about three hours’ time, and I’ve just bought the boxed DVD set of Supernatural. How made-up am I? I think you can guess.

Peach and lube, then.

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Wednesday 10 October 2007

Illegitimi non carborundum?


Right. I’ve been nice. I’ve done my best. I’ve tried. I’m not int mood to be nice anymore. Today I am eev-il Soupy, like fru-its of the dev-il. I’ve had enough. I’m not putting up wi’ it.

In a word: students.

Example A:
Four year old brat who finds it funny to bite me on the hand. Lucky I have my Tetanus jab up to date, isn’t it? And when I snap and shout “NO!” at him, I get his mother complaining because I frightened the little fucker. Excuse me? To whom do I complain that the wee carnivorous shit has bitten me? Are kids allowed to bite teachers now? And I’m not talking the nip on the arse that wee Jack used to do for fun, like a puppy and its favourite slipper. No, I’m talking proper teeth on bone, intentional-pain biting. So I’ve shouted at him, he’s ran out the classroom wailing, and I’ve felt much more relaxed. Until the complaint.

Riiiiiiight. I want to complain then. No wait, I just never want to see the fucking annoying little goit again, seeing as he’s about as stable as a yo-yo and spends all his time squealing like a stuck pig because someone’s accidentally touched his elbow. Which is because he’s already sprawled over the table like it’s all too much. Well screw him, and screw the whole fucking system. I’m sick of it. I swear to any gods and any of their brothers, if one more kid slaps, bites or kicks me “for fun”, I shall punt them through the plate glass window. Let’s see how funny it is with my foot up their arse, shall we?

Example B:
A rather rotund student comes in, and has been one of mine for a while. She sits down and her mother waves at her through the window as usual. We start the lesson. Halfway through, the admin. assistant knocks on the door and asks if I’ve two minutes just to explain the last report for the mam. As the kids are int middle of a grammar exercise, I leave ‘em to it and go to talk to her. Her English is ok and we discuss how to help Little Rotund One in between lessons. I go back int lesson, finish it, and everything’s fine. When Little Rotund One comes back the following week, she says (and I quote): “My mother say you is very nice for such a fat girl.”

Now, far be it for me to go on about sizes in Hong Kong, but let’s start with manners, shall we? Normally I shrug off these comments – yeah, a five foot eight bird weighing twelve stone must be a shock to anorexic normal’ sized birds in Hong Kong, and I’m used to clumsy translations where people are rude when they don’t mean to be. What gets at me is the way this mother’s kid – who let’s face it, could do wi’ a diet far more than I could – has seen fit to voice these comments to her kid int first place. So instead of the usual sarcastic ‘thank you’ that I trot out, I instead went for the barbed alternative:
“That’s because fat people actually take the time to develop a pleasant and interesting personality, where as thin people in this town tend to be shallow and obnoxious with no manners. I know which one will have more friends.”

Yeah, ok, so I had to bite my tongue after that cos I felt really rude coming out with this to a bunch of twelve-year-olds, but please, let me off. If one more kid tells me I’m the fattest person they’ve seen in their life, I’ll go home and watch TV instead of wasting my time trying to teach ‘em proper bloody social behaviour and conversation skills.

It’s not the comment about being fat that annoys me. It’s actually the lack of manners. I am staggered at just how bald-faced some people can be about how they treat people in Hong Kong. I know it’s the same all over, but sometimes I feel like I’m the only one teaching kids to say ‘thank you’ and ‘excuse me’ to squeeze through the crowd of people on an MTR platform, rather than just barging through like no-one else exists.

You know what? Fuck it.

Maybe I should start barging into people, stepping on other people’s feet at every opportunity, and pushing people out of my way. It’s my turn.

I’m off now to mix about 90% vodka wi’ 10% orange juice.
And watch gratuitous amounts of ‘Psych’ and ‘Supernatural’ till I feel better.

Summat tells me a combination of James Roday and Jensen Ackles will make me feel so much better… Dean Winchester in a big car wi’ a big gun? That’s girlie porn, that is…


And then there’s always this piece of uplifting news to, er, uplift me.

Soopytwist. No bugger’s getting peach nor lube tonight.

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Friday 5 October 2007

HELLO!


I’ve been sick this week. Not proper sick, just another infection brought on by not drinking enough water and having Coke wi me vodka and not orange juice. Orange juice still counts as a fruit, right? Goes through the body like food, so bloody well should do.

Just a quick old-Virgin-Radio-Chris-Evans-breakfast-show-type HELLO! to everyone I’ve ignored this past week:

To Fiat X1/9 Man, who actually flashed his lights up and down at me as I crossed the street this very night: ‘Ow do.
To Restaurant Carry-Oot Lady, who always bawls a 'good evening' at me across the street: Hi.
To our alternating security guards, who always press the correct lift button for me when I get int building of an evening: Ta, and how’s yerself?
Johnny Behind-the-bar: I’ll be back next week, soon as these anti-biotics are safely out o me system.
To me big sis, who’s handling Important Matters of Family for everyone like a trooper: Alright?
To me wee sister, who’s always scouring local shops fert ‘Doctor bloody Who’ crap to send me: ‘ello poppet.
To me other wee sister, who’s turning her nose up at ‘Doctor bloody Who’ and being normal, to set an example for me: what’s wi’ the Nissan Bluebird?
To Granny W, who’s on holiday and hopefully having a great time in Crete, or Cairo, or Cardiff, wherever it is she went (hey, they all begin wi’ C, they’re easy to mix up, alright?): Hi baebe.
To me students: no, this int me and yer not to repeat the naughty language you see here.
And everyone else who knows me. Ta.

And now for summat completely different: the Haynes Manual on Setting Up IDD Calling Ont Mobile Phones (Especially 3G) in Hong Kong.

Step 1:
Call the 3G helpline and find there are no real people attached. Press any button wrongly three times and get put through to the only actual live person int building.
Step 2:
Ask them to set up IDD calling to foreign lands far far away. Get told to set up an AutoPay (DD) first.
Step 3:
Go to the 3G shop int high street and attempt to set up AutoPay. Get told to take a form to the bank to do it.
Step 4:
Take form to bank. Get told numptie int shop hasn’t filled in the consolidation code int bottom corner.
Step 5:
Take form back to 3G shop. Ask for missing code number. Get told you don’t need one cos yer not a corporate customer.
Step 6:
Take form back to bank and assure Nice Lady yer absolutely and positively sure you don’t need a corporate consolidation code, and if it dunt mean owt to the bloke in the 3G shop, it dunt mean owt to you, neither.
Step 7:
Sign form and then get told it takes FOUR WEEKS to implement AutoPay.

Four weeks? Four weeks? Are you shitting me? What does it actual involve, setting up a direct bloody debit? Trekking across the Sahara? Physically walking backwards and forwards from’t bank to shop wi little chits? Well I’ve done that, all in half an hour, so don’t come that. It absolutely staggers me that the same bank that can send money to another country within six hours of receiving my form takes four weeks just to set up a direct debit from a Hong Kong company whose head office is only in Kowloon anyway. I could walk BACKWARDS and swim myself across the harbour, and still have it stamped and sorted before tomorrow.

Gah.

I need more tea, obviously. In the absence of any alcohol, it’s the next best thing.

That’s yer onion. No, shallot (ba-doom-boom-tsshh!). Have to battle on through ‘Doctor bloody Who’ fanfic number 10, which is giving me trouble like you wouldn’t believe. Mostly cos it just keeps becoming more and more epic in proportions. Seriously dude, 32,000 words already and still no exciting climax in sight? This is going to end up a novel, I can see it coming.

Anyway, I’ll love you and leave you wi’ the newly updated Wallpapers of the Week, and go back to dreaming of November ~ Aaron Kwok concerts, Doctor bloody Who’ series three on shiny new DVD, and the music too, and of course, one whole month closer to Chinese New Year, and me sojourn to the beaches of Boracay.

Soopytwist.

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