Thursday, 29 January 2009


The next fucking person who tells me summat fucking broke or summat doesn’t fucking work properly because I’m using it wrong BECAUSE I’M LEFT-fucking-HANDED (and CLEARLY, therefore fucking BACKWARD) is going to get my much developed left fucking hook with all 170 fucking pounds of me behind it in their fucking face.

I AM NOT A CHILD. I HAVE AN IQ LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE. If summat’s broken, you fucking fix it. You don’t piss and moan cos OBVIOUSLY you don’t believe that the aberrations and freaks of this world - NAMELY, THE LEFT-HANDED ONES - could possibly be using it correctly but it’s a piece of fucking shit.

Don’t you fucking stand there and ‘awww’ at me like I’m five fucking years old. Don’t you patronise me and fucking giggle like a 16 year-old girl working for McDonald’s cos you think “it’s like, all so funny, right?” Don’t you give me that unctuous, pathetically saccharine smile as if my IQ is lower than my European shoe size. Don’t dismiss me and my shop-bought goods problem cos you, you HANDIST fucking IGNORANT bloody twat of a shop keeper, cannot understand why I want to return a pair of fucking scissors that don’t fucking cut.

There. That’s it. Think I feel better now.

And just fert record, they were ‘universal’ scissors. Obviously not ‘universal’ enough to deal with the most hated and scorned kind of people in said ‘universe’ - LEFT-HANDERS.

I spit on your scissors, and your parochial grasp of ‘universal’. Handist bastards.

And while we’re bitching about shit, how about the earphones I bought in August? Oh and woah woah woah, back up for a second: why did buy them in the first place when I already had perfectly good Apple earphones with which to control iPhone Dax?

Apple, oh Apple, you know I love you. But what IN THE PAST CONTINUOUS HELL were you thinking? Why do you supply the iPhone with the biggest, moon-shaped and downright uncomfortable excuse for earwigs in the known universe? Why must I suffer them falling out of my fucking ears every time I move? Why do I have two dinner plates that, due to their size and lack of curvature, only deliver half the music as it plays? Why must I lose most of the bass and half of each mixed track? And why must I turn it up so high everyone in the fucking train carriage can sing along, just so as I can hear it? And why can I still hear everyone else’s conversations and PSPs around me? This is not why I listen to the iPod function at every opportunity.

So I bought replacements. Nice in-ear ones that fit, that guarantee I can hear all parts of a song, that stop out the outside world (well, 90%, anyway), that don’t fall out of my ears every few minutes cos they’re too fucking big to be wedged in for long - and they don’t even hurt when you use them longer than twenty minutes at a time! Fancy!

Bliss. Even got an inline control and mic, same as the Apple ones.

Suddenly they’re fucked - a great annoyance to Yours Truly, seeing as (1) they were HK$550 and (2) when they’re not being used they’re kept in their supplied carry box. Just another thing to piss me off this week - but hey, don’t worry: we have a new, shiny-shiny episode of ‘Supernatural’ to enjoy tomorrow night, so I should stop moaning and be glad it’s back for the rest of the fourth season. And hopefully, the final fifth. But that’s another rant…

Soopytwist, everyone.

~ ~ ~


Heff said...

I buy no apple. No Mac. I'm a PC person.


Paul said...

See, it's true.

Left handed people are always very angry.

Do you have a set of left handed knives and forks at home?

Soupdragon said...

Of course I do, right next to the solar powered torch and the chocolate teapot.
Oh no, wait, now I come to think of it, I think I'm out of forks since I had to stab the last right-handed smartarse in the eye with it.
Joking, of course! I would never use a fork when a spoon would hurt more. Especially an ergonomically designed one for righties. Yes, I've seen one. It's scary.


The Preacherman said...

well, you see, it's because you're left handed....

I am now running away in case your fist can pop out of my pc....

rite righton said...

quickly get yourself a pair of:

a. Sennheiser PX200 (my favourites, good all-rounders, comfortable and closed-back).

b. Grado iGrado (classier but more expensive, less comfortable but more rocktastic, annoy the hell out of anyone within punching distance).

c. Koss Porta Pros (cheap as chips, boom-boom hip-hop/rock fun).

Then please forget about scissors, enjoy hearing all the music as intended, and wonder how marketing experts Apple could spoil their whole iPod family with what may be the worst headphones on the planet...I'm sure Apple bought shares in all the headphone manufacturers.

Give your old iPod headphones to the next Fay Zai w/PSP you encounter.

Don't mention it:)

Next week, how to save the world...

ps. interesting word verifuhkaytion

"TST row"

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