It was just a comment - just an observation. So why did it completely fuck me off? I shrugged it off at the time with a barbed response designed to injure the speaker as much as I had been. But somehow, they didn’t seem the least bit bothered.
And this morning when I wake up, it’s stuck with me. I mean, I understand the whole Garak thing about winning over someone who beats you to a pulp, not because you manage to somehow physically injure them, but because you manage to get off several cutting personal remarks that stay with your assailant long after your bones have healed. I get it, I do. I’ve done it to others in the past (before a rematch with a suitable pasting has occurred) but I’ve never had it done to me.
Especially when the person who delivered the remark in question is supposed to be a friend. And we were in the middle of a pleasant conversation. So this remark came out of the blue.
And so today I’m still really steamed about it. Completely and in every way raging. I know my failings as a human being, and I know very fucking well what I could do to bring myself more in line with what everyone else thinks is the norm. But why should I? Seeing as it's what they think, after all, and not me? I have never before taken offence at the comment but for some reason this time it really irked me. It could be a combination of factors; having lived overseas for seven years, having got used to friends and colleagues coming and going, being the last one left that’s always here. Getting used to new days and situations while not really taking much notice, just in case I don’t like it. But at the end of the day, it has me fucking raging right now as I read this.
You know what - that's what it is. It's because it's been said before by others who, let's face it, have a clumsy command of the English language (at best) and have no idea they're being so hurtful. But this person knows better. And fucking will know better if they do it again.
I will get over it. But not today. I just hope I'll be more able to cope better when it resurfaces at a later date, because I know they are going to repeat it soon when the same situation comes about.
And that’s when I’ll have to be strong and simply leave, instead of throwing my drink over them and declaring it all over.
Cos yeah, believe it or not, it did really strike a nerve. I don’t have many, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before over some stupid collection of words in that particular order. But it did hurt. Unbelievably so.
Well, now I’ve talked myself into a bad mood, it’s time to get back to work. Kids come in soon; have to make tea and pretend I’m just as sunny as I always am.