Monday, 27 March 2006

Missing Peter Sellers

Steve Martin is a twat. I can't watch a film he's in cos he ruins it. I know millions of people all over 't world (or just America?) love to see him pratting about and taking 't piss, but really, what a wanker. I just don't find the sad, pathetic arsehole funny ~ and now I'm proper fucked off wi him an all.

Maybe it's me ~ maybe I look down on Mr Bean (yes, I know it ent Steve Martin, but it's another example) and similar low-intelligence arsing about. And I know the one about it being harder than it looks, and even the one about needing to be very clever to get it right. Fuck that ~ I don't care. I couldn't give two shits if Steve Martin had the IQ of a rocket scientist, he's still a wanker of major proportions and he ent funny neither. End of story.

So what's he done to piss me off? Re-made a Pink Panther film. Yes, the fucking twat has re-made a Pink Panther film. I know I'm behind the times and this film has probably already done 't rounds in every country around 't world, but in Hong Kong it opens sometime soon. Cue lots o TV ads and bus stop posters, not to mention the trailer seemingly stuck ont loop ont Now Broadband's "coming attractions" channel. Makes me want to boot the TV in. I stood at bus stop today, and seriously considered setting fire t' poster within.

Strangely enough, I don't mind Jim Carey (better vehicles, perhaps?) and laffed me arse off at "Bruce Almighty". The difference? Jim Carey, I suppose. Whether I like him personally or think that he, too, is a bit of a wanker, he has better films and ~ this is the important bit ~ is naturally funny. I started off hating the lanky get, but he won me over wi stuff like "Liar Liar".

I'm fucked off cos I like Peter Sellers, and still consider him to be a comedy genius. Apparently he didn't enjoy making 't original Pink Panther films, thinking them low-intelligence fare for the ignorant masses, but he did them anyway. But he made them funny, useful, and even I watched them and cracked a few smiles, much against my religion. Steve Martin re-making one is just WRONG. (Cos you know what's coming next, right? If they so much as break even, you just know they're going to do another one.) What is it wi Hollywood and re-making films anyway? Write some fucking new material, you creatively-challenged bunch o cunts. Try thinking of a new idea, instead o just rehashing something made twenty or thirty years ago. It's pathetic and mindless, as is Hollywood's intention to re-make the modern Hong Kong classic, "Infernal Affairs". Leave it alone, you fuckwits. What you fail to realize is that in Hong Kong it has meaning and relevance. You can't just script it in Los Angeles or New York and perform it in English ~ it becomes a cliché, yet another fucking mafia (triad) film. And everyone already knows the ending, you parochial xenophobic twats, so there goes your "shocking conclusion". Try watching the original again ~ it dunt need to be changed in any way. Yes, it comes with subtitles ~ GET OVER IT ~ and fucking see it for what it is.

And I'm sorry, but Leonardo Di Craprio? Excuse me? Has everyone lost their fucking minds here? Do I really want some pigeon-chested, pasty-faced bastard ladyboy pretending to be either the triad or the copper? Do I fuck! Who gives a shit what happens to Leo Di Craprio anyway (unless it involves concrete overcoats and deep water)? No, I didn't see The Aviator, and I don't fucking plan to, neither. He can get to fuck and like it. He's another twat on my hitlist.

So, getting back to that wanker Steve Martin. I'm thinking of inventive ways he could die. It'd have to include lots o suffering first ~ he's already inflicted enough ont world. Suggestions on a postcard, or even better, just in the comments section.

Peach and lube to you all. Except Steve Martin.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Augustus Meriwether said...

Yes, I agree with your central premise there - steve martin is a twat. he is shit too.

I think he has had a few okay moments in a few okay films, but he has done a lot and so with the law of averages...

Soupdragon said...

Thanks for agreeing wi me ~ I've actually had mail telling me I'm talking shite here!
I only watched Diry Rotten Scoundrels for Michael Caine ~ which was a mistake as it made Steve Martin look even more useless...

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