The Dark ~ a review

All pics in this post courtesy o the wonderful people at Bean Caps

England out o't World Cup then: good. Now I can go back to workin out how to get me a new FC Utd of Manchester shirt sans credit card.

"The Dark" review then:

In a brand new tradition I only actually started wi "Essex Boys", I'll attempt to sum it up in three words:

1. Incredible
2. Feeble
3. Wasted


1. Incredible
Sadly, not int "wow, that were excellent!" sense of 't word, more like the "you've just gone from 't sublime to the absolutely fucking preposterous" sense of 't word. I mean come on people, the premise were sound but the sudden "ooh, scary noises!" thing were like the precursor to a tidal wave ~ it sucked all the "this is about to be bollocks" evidence back so you thought tide were on its way out, and as such you'd be spared from being knee-deep in steaming camel poo any time soon. But, inevitably, it forms a tidal wave o crappy absurdity and plain unbelievable shite and hurls itself back at you wi the alacrity o brand-new knicker elastic. I felt like I'd slipped into' t naughty corner o Annwn meself ~ if it has one.

One of the catalysts fer this were obviously the cast, and we're not talking the evil sheep (who only actually appear twice in the film, but that said, it were a metaphor, you see). Maria Bello being American lends temporary plausibility to it all, in an "it's all SFX and Hollywood" kinda way. The movie magic starts to kick in and you start to willingly suspend disbelief. But in wades (quite literally) Sean Bean, wi close to his normal Sheffield voice on, and suddenly the spell is broken. It's impossible to hear his voice, see his reaction to her tales of netherworlds and undead drowned people, and not agree wi him: that it's all a loada shite. Yorkshire voices do not suffer foolish fantasies or fannying about, no matter how well done. Yorkshire voices demand: "take a look at yerself – do you realise how false all this blether sounds?" His direct approach to the local bobby – "yow 'ave lights, an' I 'ave lights, so let's get aht there 'n fookin' search fer 'er" was the most credible thing int film bar his "are yer listenin'? Our daughter is dead!" scene (see point 3).

2. Feeble
I'm a confirmed Evil Dead connoisseur and am not at all put off by maiming, killing or suchlike. I did not jump when the old girl wrenched open 't wardrobe doors in "The Others" (which I enjoyed, actually), neither did I find any of the "The Dark" actually creepy enough to warrant mentionin.

3. Wasted
I wish this were what I became shortly after witnessin this disappointment, but unfortunately this adjective refers to 't actors, and Sir Sean of Bean. Fer a hundred minutes (give or take a few hundred years o boredom) he were relied on to play Good Father opposite Maria Bello's (very capable) Scary Obsessed Mother/Bitch character. This basically involved her scarin 't kids so as he could try to comfort them in his best "don't cry" voice. While he cuts an impressive swathe through anyone's upset, this is not what he should be left to do fert duration of 't film. There were one or two flashes o the old familiar Angry Eyes, but sadly it weren't enough and he weren't given much more to do. Although he did bring the first F word to the film ~ good lad.

And I'm sorry, but if yer jumpin int water to save someone from drownin, you really ought to get wi'owt that heavy, absorbent sweater; it'll only drag you down, y'know. Gutted, I was, waitin fer the kit-off moment that never came. I did make a right mess of me shirt though, round about when he's telling the wee girl everything'll be alright. When he tells her summat like she should picture what would make her happy or what she wants to see most int world, I damn-near choked on me Pepsi. There should be a law against him being allowed to say such a thing when his lovely, soft blonde hair's all mussed from post-heroic-adventure an' his bright green eyes are burning directly into't camera.

After having drained 't Pepsi from me nose and wiped the chocolate biscuit lumps off me trousers - carefully - I tried once more to concentrate ont film. But once again, it had slowed into a right sluggish slide o slurry, and I would spend the next hour wondering when he'd just slap the mardy ex-wife and get on wi business of rescuing 't daughter. But he didn't, and I were disappointed.

So there you have it; singularly underwhelmed, I have to say. I haven't felt that disappointed since I lost out on "Guys 'n Dolls" tickets when Ewan McGregor were in it. Still, there are other films to be seeing soon. And there's talk Sir Sean is playing Macbeth in a film next year, reprising his stage role, so can't be all bad, now can it?

Resigned, then. Not a great film by any means, and definitely no Sean Porn, but at least Sir Sean were still rough as a bear's bum ~ just the way we like 'im.
Soopytwist.

Tags:
England ~ World Cup ~ FCUM ~ The Dark ~ Wales ~ Annwn ~ Maria Bello ~ Hollywood ~ Yorkshire ~ Sheffield ~ Sean Bean ~ Evil Dead ~ The Others ~ Guys and Dolls ~ Ewan McGregor ~ Macbeth ~ SeanPorn