Spoilers, prophecies or just plain shite?

Since ‘Doctor bloody Who’ finished last Saturday, Tinternet has been ablaze wi rumours, spoilers fert coming series four, gossip, futures both impossible and improbable, and of course, the inevitable back-lash that only a season-ender such as ‘The Last Of the Time Lords’ truly deserves. Across a few different forums, communities and discussion boards the general census seems to be ‘love or hate it, but you can’t ignore it’.

So get ready to confront a few home truths and join us as we play Sensational or Shite!

In the Sensational corner we have: brilliant manic madness (John Simm), revenge (The Master), nobility (Martha / the Doctor), Greater Good, self-respect (Martha), teamwork, trust (the Doctor), patience, compassion, revelations (Jack!), helplessness, stability, season wrap-up, good ol’ fashioned closing scene running joke (“What? What? What?”) and all questions answered.

In the Shite corner we have: madness gone silly, shameless Star Wars rip-offs (funeral pyre), incoherent / downright silly plot devices (levitation?), mis-placed need to wrap things up at all (Face of Boe), gabbled tacked-on ending (hoooooooonk!), predictable James Bond style ending [come on people, really? He’s the Doctor: ‘don’t try and beat him cos he’s already won, cos he’s too cool for school’!], repetitive closing scene and even an historical error [so the Titantic didn’t have her name written on the life buoy things cos they were shared between the fleet, so what?], would you believe.

I’m obviously int Sensational corner. Just for so many reasons it’d be tedious to put down here, not least of all the music used. Gawd, but if the Beeb don’t put out a series three soundtrack CD including the ‘running’ music, ‘Martha’s Theme’ and the long orchestral mishmash of ‘The Doctor’s Theme’, ‘Martha’s Theme’ and even hints of ‘The Face of Boe’ and ‘Doomsday’, I’ll go down there and nut the head of marketing outta sheer righteous indignation. (And while we’re ont subject – yes, I were absolutely chuffed as nuts that Captain Jack is the Face of Boe. It’s all shades of stellar genius: be told!)

And onto the point of tonight’s tirade: spoilers. Rumours based on loosely overheard facts, juicy hyperbole, prophetic fantasy or just plain talking bollocks? Well. Let’s see. But first, a wee fable about believing all that people tell you.

Once upon a time, on a space station far, far away, lived a bunch of Starfleet hopefuls and a load of ex-terrorist aliens trying to drag their planet out of an occupation-induced near-holocaust aftermath. Yes folks, she’s banging on about ‘Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’. But hold on, it gets good. It’s a fable about listening to everything you’re told and trying to keep up with spoilers. Only these spoilers are about their own future lives, which makes them a prophecy. It states that three vipers will return to their nest in the sky, and when they try to peer through the gates of the Celestial Temple, a sword of stars will appear in the heavens. The Temple gates will burn, and the gates will be cast open for all time.

What are you to believe? Are you with Sisko, the “do me a favour, this is all bollocks” man, or with Kira, the “but it’s all coming true…” woman? Especially as three Cardassian scientists arrive back on the DS9 station (their former residence as prefects of Bajor; their nest in the sky), to try and set up some new communications array. But what starts out looking like a clear-cut case of numbers and blatantly obvious interpretations turns into a plethora of mistakes, metaphors and badly-translated legends. The three vipers turn out to be shards of a great comet, not Cardassian scientists after all, the sword of stars is the chemical compound leaking from said comet and not the comms relay they’re trying to start up, and when the leaked compound reacts with the inside of the wormhole – “burning the gates” – it acts as the much-needed carrier wave. No-one dies, no pivotal forces rack the nearby planet, and in fact, the comms relay starts to work straight away, the path for comms through the wormhole now “open for all time.”

See? It all makes beautiful sense, if only you wait and see. Which just about sums up what I should be doing with ‘Doctor bloody Who’ series four, but I just can’t help myself. I were convinced Ten were dying and being replaced in that last episode, and held me breath for pretty much the last twenty minutes. Then I saw news that Ten would be in the Xmas Special, but only to hand over to Eleven. But, as usual, we should have just waited fert actual BBC press releases. Now it seems that, far from the tabloids’ gossip about Freema Agyeman being sacked fer being crap, she’s actually going to do half a series in ‘Torchwood’ and then anything up to half a series back in the good ol’ blue box.

Then two press releases came within ours of each other: Kylie Minogue is to be the co-star of the Xmas Special for 2007 (but no, sorry fellas, she’s not appearing as a Cyberwoman, or even a baddie), and then the new Companion has been revealed to be none other than Catherine Tate. Yeah yeah, I know, she annoyed half the country last time as Donna the shouty bride, but I’d like to give her a little slack, seeing as how she ended the episode so well. And who knows? We may get a little light-hearted relief and a few comedy moments to start off the new series. And it may be that Ten stays fert whole shebang too. We can only hope. Reading June’s edition of SFX recently has only cemented my fears fert Doctor: “Cut loose from that sometimes cloying ‘golden couple’ he’s become increasingly impressive. One day soon we’ll be crying “How did Who survive without him? Give it four seasons, fella: you’re too good to get typecast. [snip] Give David Tennant fine and noble words and you end up with something special, and his head-to-head with Lazarus is sublime.”

So then, what have we learned? That the season-ender was far more Sensational than Shite, don’t believe all the spoilers you hear, and all that titters is not bold. Or some such.

Anyway, I’m knackered and it’s time for bed, as a wise man once said. Zebedee, I think. Soopytwist…

Tags:
Doctor Who ~ David Tennant ~ Martha Jones ~ Freema Agyeman ~ BBC ~ John Barrowman ~ Captain Jack ~ John Simm ~ The Master ~ Kylie ~ Catherine Tate ~ DS9