O I C


I’m upset cos we’ve lost Majel Barret-Roddenberry. It’s not fair. I’m adding that to the list of reasons why there is no one God.


I’m upset cos I’ve finally realised why people get married. And it’s not what I thought. They go out and get married cos if you don’t, you end up by yourself, bored, and alone. Not lonely, just alone. When all the drinks have been paid for and the stools are on the tables, and Mr Barman is trying to shoo you quietly but firmly out of the door so he can finally close up, you know why people get married. When someone asks you to change an appointment and the only reason to say ‘no’ is your own stubbornness, not someone else’s plans, you know why people get married. When people ask what you want for a Christmas / birthday present etc. and you say ‘nothing’ cos you buy what you want if you really want it, cos let’s face it, no-one else lives in your life, you know why people get married. When you carry your shopping home from the supermarket and open your fridge to put it away, and everything is exactly as you left it since the last time you shopped, you know why people get married. The boredom of knowing everything will still be in the same place cos there’s no-one else around to fuck it up or move it. The ineluctable dreariness of cleaning your own flat even though it’s just you in it anyway and the only thing that’s making the mess is Time. The same songs on random shuffle on your player. Knowing all the words to your favourite part of your favourite movie cos you’ve seen it by yourself fifty fucking times. Having time to get lost in your obsessions cos there is nothing else. Going out and getting hammered twice or three times a week cos there’s literally nothing else to do. Jarvis Cocker had this to say ont subject: ‘You’ll never live like common people, you’ll never do what common people do, you’ll never fail like common people, you’ll never watch your life slide out of view, and dance and drink and screw, because there’s nothing else to do.


So it’s just to fill your life with noise and disruption? Just so you know summat is happening, summat of import is going on right under your nose cos there’s a husband and kids screaming round the place, all thinking the universe revolves around them? And then you join the battle not to dumped into the ‘just a housewife’ category, with no hobbies or dreams or cares outside of getting little Jimmy’s PE kit washed in time, or helping little Becky get her English homework right for morning? Is that all there is?


So remind me what I’m missing out on again? I can’t live with someone, and I can’t live with just me. It drives me nuts.


So we turn up the music and refill the vodka glass and do it all over again. Cos it’s better than any alternative. And you remember that everyone’s in the same boat, whether they realise it or not, and then you think ‘fuck it’ and just get more drinks in. You find an obsession or two and lavish your time on them. Cos that’s all there is. If I didn’t do this, if I didn’t drink and write and dream, I don’t know how I’d handle the tedium of Life in all its banalities and bromidic Trojan horses that feed you insipid excuses for excitement and flavour.


But isn’t that what everyone thinks? ‘Oh fuck me, how do I make today more interesting?’ Or am I just weary of the same old routine from week to week? I have an idea. Hang on, I’ll be right back.


Right. Got my ‘Little Book Of Chaos’ by Craig Brown off the shelf (thanks, SJ, for getting me this way back when). Ok, ready?

REMAINING ALERT
How to remain alert, even when sipping a soothing mug of tea:
Find a broken mug.
Glue its handle back on.
Now, whenever you sip tea from this cup you will feel on red alert.


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1 'aye's:

dothelocomotion said...

I take it you're having a velly Melly Clistmas then?