Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Marry, Shag or Cliff cheat!

So I have this private student who I go to see every Wednesday morning. I do really enjoy our lessons together, partly because she’s a grown-up and therefore we can discuss grown-up topics, but also because she’s a typical dirty housewife and we talk about ‘adult themes’.

Last week I mentioned the game Marry, Shag or Cliff. This week, she decided she wanted to know how to play. Cue five minutes of me giving examples, and her laughing and offering me more tea. Soon she wanted to play for real, and so, inevitably, I ended up giving her three options. They included Sir Sean of Connery, George Clooney, and Richard Gere. Unsurprisingly, she opted to marry George Clooney, shag Sir Sean of Connery, and cliff Richard Gere. A lot of hilarity and girlie giggles played out while she was debating her answers, and then she decided that she would have to try to torture me in return. Saying that she needed a few minutes to think about it, we went onto the next subject, which was an article about North Korea that she'd seen in the paper. Being South Korean she had views that she wanted to express and learn words for. (No, I did not teach her the word ‘fuckers’.) Some proper vocab and tense exercises aside, we got back to the very serious business of Marry, Shag or Cliff - Round Two.

Now, I don’t consider myself to be easily tortured, especially when it comes to things that I know I’ll never get to have. But there’s something about the game Marry, Shag or Cliff that makes me quite competitive. And so, when a Korean housewife tells me in a malicious voice that I have to choose between three names that she has been working on for the past ten minutes, I get quite excited.

And then she hits me with the bombshell:

Starbuck, she says, with a knowing smile.

Face, she says, already having to put a hand over her mouth because she’s chuckling.

Bradley Cooper, she adds finally, unable to stop herself laughing and almost falling off the chair and rolling around her front room with her legs in the air in abderian amusement.

What an absolute fucking cheat! I did try to explain that all three of those overlap in so many ways, but she was having none of it. She said that I had to choose, and that it bloody well served me right for giving her three supposedly tortuous choices. I maintained the point that she was cheating - seeing as Starbuck was also Face, and Bradley Cooper had masqueraded as Face at one point. However she refused to see my point of view. So I cheated by saying that I would shag Starbuck and marry Face, as that would include all incarnations. Ergo, nobody had to get cliffed.

So then of course she accused me of cheating. Well bollocks. Never mind, eh? We’re even.

And while we’re on the subject, why are there no original series A-Team calendars for 2011? Does this mean I have to trawl Cafepress or even - heavens forbid - make my own at the local print shop?

Soopytwist, everyone.


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