Under duress

Since everyone and their brother (literally) has asked me why I’m still single at the ripe old age of 35, I have decided to put an ad out for something that I’m told is called a ‘boy’ ‘friend’. I don’t think I like the idea of a ‘boy’ friend. What are grown-up ones called? Man-friends?

Anyway, I think the ad will run something like this:

Wanted for the position of Significant Other

Man who meets ALL following criteria:
Age: 35-40 years
Height: 5’8 or above
Eyes: two
Hair: preferable, but not a deal-breaker
Origin: human. Preferably England. Somewhere in the north. Or Scotland
Comfortably rich (not in a ‘fly round the world and spend it’ kind of way; that’s BORING. In a ‘don’t have to worry about things’ kind of way)
Habits: Oh please, be as blokey as possible. In a blokey way
Sense of humour: A MILE WIDE
Good looks not a necessity, but attention to own appearance is
Live somewhere around Hong Kong

Applicants must have:

Read one Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy book
Seen one Star Wars film (only IV, V and VI accepted)
A passing familiarity with differing Star Treks
Seen one Bruce Campbell film
A love of comedies that sometimes border on the ridiculous

The successful applicant will ideally possess the following skills:

A singular wit
Able to work in the abstract
Able to make good soldier tea
Able to maintain the wi-fi reception in any shared living space at all times of the day and night
Able to find a bottle shop at short notice at all hours of the day and night
Able to draw on several resources to secure pizza delivery / take-out at a moment’s notice (any cooking skills will be treated as a bonus)
Fast runner; good at carry-out if no delivery available
Able to pick a good Farscape/Firefly (etc.) episode from a boxed set in under a minute
Able to demonstrate John Watson-like patience for hours, days or even a week when I do not wish to be spoken to because I’m writing and cannot be interrupted
Able to drink me under the table
Able to put my comic books back in the right order after reading them
Leave Winona in the same place she was found after secretly playing with her

The successful applicant will be expected to fulfil the following duties:

Living for fun
Making tea when I can’t reach
Ability to leave me alone with my writing laptop for extended periods of time
Making bacon breakfast barms with mushrooms unless I get to the kitchen first, in which case he is expected to tell me if he wants one made
Buying advance tickets for and accompanying me to the cinema
Engaging in fun rough and tumble (i.e. sex) on a mutual supply and demand basis
Participating in spirited discussions on films or TV shows and their minutiae
Providing firm support for me to lounge on whilst watching said films or TV shows
Keeping me up-to-date on all Premier League English Football, Rugby League and Australian Rules Football sporting events, and if possible, secure tickets to said events
Inviting me to watch any sports events he himself takes part in so I can shout with my terraces voice for his victory, and be ridiculously happy when he crushes all his opponents to their ever-lasting shame and the lamentation of their women
Accompanying me on holidays to fantastic locations

Warning:
Under no circumstances should he attempt to give me gifts, especially anything to do with flowers, teddy bears, or in fact anything pink or fluffy. Automatic dismissal will follow. However, in case of birthdays, the ONLY acceptable gifts would be in the form of Blu-Ray or DVDs, computer or online upgrades, or geekery from an acceptable website (Things From Another World, Forbidden Planet, etc.)

Applicants should respond, with a covering note demonstrating their personality as best they can, to this webpage or by e-mail through the link to the ownership of said page. Closing date: 31st December, 2012.

That should do it. So I just sit here and wait for the applications to roll in, do I? Is that how it works? Right then. I’ll just be here, then. Right here.

*whistles*

Or maybe I’ll go watch some Farscape. Or a bit more Sherlock.

Soopytwist.