Goin' to war ont cup o tea

"The entire British empire was built on cups of tea, and if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken." Damned right.

I need me tea int morning. Don't talk to me 'less I've had one first. Otherwise you might well get a mouthful o shite or just nasty threats involving painful deaths by kitchen utensils. Not that you'll be in a situation where that'd be a problem ~ I've been living alone for a few weeks now, and am completely happy with the arrangement, thank you very much. Woe betide the unfortunate fucker who wants to move in wi me these days ~ nowadays I'm takin me privacy much more seriously, and am happier forrit.

MSN. Fucking MSN. I wish it'd never been invented. You turn it on, and Bam! millions o people you don't really want to talk to suddenly converge on your pathetic attempt at an original screen name, sending you all kinds of shite to do wi stuff that's about as interesting as Liz Hurley's old school reports. Ok, I'll admit, sometimes it's useful to be able to instantly annoy people halfway round't globe, but honestly, is it really necessary to have to have reams an reams o contact details? I'm running Adium X, which is just fab cos you can turn it on and lurk wi'owt people seeing you (but like same as every other messenger programme, you can't send messages while "invisible". Bastards.), but it comes wi all sorts o funny tricks an bells an whistles an all. Things like it shouting "mail motherfucker!" (from Eurotrip, o course) when someone sends you summat. Or being able to type in "/insult" and having it write a whole Shakespearian foul-mouthed stinker. Fantastic.

And no, I don't find McDonald's new advert amusing. It's clever, in a "wow, must have taken all o five minutes to make" kinda way. Substituting the Chinese word for rice, "faahn" in front o the word "tastic" to make the name of a new burger that uses – unsurprisingly, rice! – to replace the bap has brought me no end of agro. Why? I'm a teacher. So when some wee kid does something I want him to do again, I say crap like "well done, good job, fantastic!". Now I get a chorus o wee voices shouting "oh! You speak Chinese!" Woah, woah, woah, hold on there, bit of a jump, int it? Remind ourselves where the word "tastic" comes from first, shall we?

And while we're at it, what's wi all the American accents anyway? Pisses me off. Parents talk about "I want little Johnny to speak real English" and then send him off to some American teacher. Riiiiiiight. Not that I'm territorial. Not at all. No, no, no, no! Don't misunderstand me; it's not that I think the American accent is a bad thing or owt, but since when were it a "real" English accent? Be careful ~ there's a fine line between English and England. These days parents know better than to ask me why I tell kiddies NOT to say "I'm good" when asked the hated question "how are you?". They are told, in specific terms, that this is tantamount to calling me outside for a quick lesson in not upsetting your kids' teacher, courtesy of fists, feet and foreheads.

Talking of accents, watched The Island last night, and that's an accent minefield, if ever there were one… I watched it for the three pieces of eye candy… Ewan McGregor, Sean Bean and, er, Ewan McGregor…
Poor Sean, forced to put on his RADA theatre-voice for duration of 't film. He did do a good job, but every now and then, when he were a little put out, it slipped just a tad. Maybe he should have ad a nice hot cup o tea first, eh. Lovely though ~ a tiny chink that reminds you why you watched the film int first place. Like watching GoldenEye and listening for the tell-tale vowels and finals that scream "Yorkshire!" whenever he's trying oh-so-hard to be a stiff-arsed Brit with a BBC presenter's voice. Lines like: "What's true is that in 48 hours, you and I will have more money than God", delivered wi enough up-his-arse treacle to convince you he has no regional accent. Bah! Balls to yer BBC accent, he should have been a proper Pennines-boy baddie! Such a waste of a fantastic voice…


Now Ewan McGregor, by comparison… Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear… Not that I think he did a shite job, it just… sounded very artificial. Don't get me wrong; I think he did a great job in Down With Love and of course Big Fish, but they were very way-out, distinctive accents. This time he were attempting something that may have supposed to have been "normal", mainstream and usual. It almost worked. Until his original character appeared speaking normally. Then the difference in everything was enormous ~ is it a strain acting in a strange accent? Cos it seemed to dampen his acting too. Once he'd switched to the "fake" Scottish one he were a much better actor. Hmm.

Anyway, that'll have to do today ~ stuff to be getting on wi, you understand. Will leave you with a lovely quote from Sharpe's Eagle:

[Gibbons has just challenged Sharpe to a duel]
Hogan: Oh give me your hand, sir! You're a brave fellow, Gibbons ~ Sharpe's a killer! Killed three French cavalrymen and saved Wellesley's life - three seconds, slash, cut thrust! And that was when he was still a sergeant... Shall we say six o'clock tomorrow morning, in the field behind the camp? Or should we say it was damn dark, and you made a damn bad mistake?
Gibbons: Silly mistake. Say no more about it, eh?
Hogan: Good thinking, Gibbons. Sharpe would have shot out your left eye at a minute past six, and you'd have spent all day tomorrow looking up at nothing with the other.

No doubt after he'd finished his cup o tea. Fab. Have ordered the boxed set o Sharpe from Amazon, just have to wait a while for it to arrive, so peach and lube all round then!

Tags:
Lock Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels ~ tea ~ MSN ~ Adium X ~ Eurotrip ~ Shakespeare ~ McDonald's ~ American ~ English ~ accent ~ The Island ~ Sean Bean ~ Ewan McGregor ~ Yorkshire ~ Down With Love ~ Big Fish ~ Sharpe