"Step into my office…"

This has been a long time coming… mostly cos I've had it a week and haven't had time to "give it the treatment":

a guest blog! Yay!

'Bout time someone else spouted round here, eh. My most bestest favouritest friend and drinking teacher, Granny Weatherwax (who I swear must have been a high-ranking officer in the 78th Highlanders in a previous life), has deigned to scribble a wee note to us all. Consider yerselves blessed, yer bastards, and get this down yer.



This is actually my second version, as I spent bloody ages writing the first one at work (as opposed to actually doing any work) and the fucking citrix server deleted it due to "inappropriate content".

I did consider doing the whole thing in Scots as a protest to the fuckers who have told me to learn to speak English this week (three of them) – I'll learn English just as soon as you cunts stop trying to mimic my accent by saying "Och aye tha' noo" (which incidentally, I have never heard anyone from Scotland use, other than to moan about Johnny Foreigner using it take the piss out of us) and learn Scots.

I should probably apologise at this point for my piss poor spelling / grammar - but I'm not going to as it's not my fault. I blame the government bright spark who introduced a new "teaching tool" in the mid '70s in Scotland which was "write it like it sounds". Great idea if you're from Perthshire, not so fucking good if you're from anywhere near Glasgow. Thanks for that first step into eternal illiteracy. What's worse is it doesn't matter how much you read and try to re-educate yourself, as you get older you still find yourself using it when you have a mind-blank which with my alcohol fuelled existence is most of the time. Fucking spell check being USA spelling doesn't help either.

Anyhoo....

The BBC did a drama version of Hannibal (elephants over the mountains chappy) with the doctor from Deep Space Nine last week, and as usual managed to fuck it right up! I thought the point of spending millions of pounds of MY money on actors and locations for period dramas was to allow the ACTORS to tell you the story. Why the fuck then was there an incessant voice over telling you what was happening? Shut the fuck up and let me watch it then - I'm not an eejit, I can follow a plot line all on my lonesome! By the by, just in case it ever comes up on a pub quiz, 70,000 troops deserted or died along his route from Africa to Italy and the elephants all got sick because of the cold.
I've also been half-arsed looking for a job the last couple of weeks, which I can now stop doing, woo-hoo, as I'm being promoted to stop me leaving (although that WAS prior to the "inappropriate" e-mail message). Job hunting is shite, just thought I'd mention that. These cunts ask you fucking stupid questions that they don't care about and you have to lie like a fucking dog to get through the interview.

Interviewer: "Why do you want this particular job?"
Me: [thinks:] I don't. I want to stay at home, lye on my sofa, eat bonbons and read trashy books all day DUMBASS. I'm being FORCED to apply for this piece of shit, underpaid and undervalued position with you cunts 'cos my life sucks and I'm not blond / skinny / pretty enough to become a fucking hairdresser and marry some rich, brainless twat!
[I actually say: "Because I feel this role will give me the opportunity to expand on my existing skills and grow as an individual".

Although having been both sides of the interview scenario, at least this lets them know I have the common sense to make up a half-arsed piece of bollocks unlike the candidate who told me she was applying "because my drugs councillor told me to". Nice.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to complain about a scourge on our modern world, I know it's not very politically correct of me but if you've read this far you'll have worked that out. Some of these lily livered liberals think if we go around wiping out whole species it's a bad thing. Poo on them, I say. I really do feel we should band together to rid ourselves of this poison in our society. Yes, you've guessed it, I'm talking about… celery. It contaminates everything it touches and its hold on society seems to be spreading. Almost every time I've gone out for a meal recently some muppet has randomly decided celery should be added to the dish. YUCK!!! we should do to all celery what we did to Chernobyl: tip three hundred tonnes of cement on its ass!

I'm off now to watch the Riddick scene where he pulls himself up on the chains with his arms in slo' mo', and have a glass of wine.

Slugs and Hisses


Tags:
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

5 'aye's:

FOUR DINNERS said...

Nice post guestie. My drugs councillor told me to n I got the job. Probably why it's such a shite place to work.

Anonymous said...

thanks 4d. thats why you should never listen to those mean drugs councillors - "drugs are bad for you!" Where do they get their silly ideas! xxx

Razzamatazz said...

I find wine always tastes nicer when its been stirred with a stick of celery.

FOUR DINNERS said...

Razz gets very deep sometimes. Celery does that to him I think....

Chosenlass said...

The whole celery thing cracks me up, because my son always accuses me of trying to poison him if I put celery in something. :P Loved the guest blogger, btw!!