Sunday, 27 August 2006

The Departed = Infernal Affairs

Right, now I’m absolutely FUCKING SEETHING ~

Had the misfortune to stumble onto THIS and actually, fer reasons that I may never fully understand, actually let meself – against ALL of my better judgement – fucking watch it. I am raging. I am unbelievably ready to kick someone to death.

Check the website. No mention of it being a straight re-write of Infernal Affairs. No mention of the fucking excellent ORIGINAL film, winning awards at the Berlin Film Festival, getting 16 nominations and 7 wins at the Hong Kong film awards 2003 (one was Best Film, and Tony Leung, the scruffy bugger int plaster cast, got Best Actor). No mention of the film causing the right kind of stir in Asian cinematic circles, waking industry people up and inspiring punters to actually PAY MONEY for cinema tickets and watch films at pictures again, instead o buying the pirate DVD outside.

What were even worse were the prep I just did fer this post. I made the mistake of looking fer English reviews fer the HK original. Bloody hell! Now I’m ready to set fire to Miramax’s entire goddamn office complex! What IS that completely unrelated DVD cover (on the US DVD)? Some bird standing int middle wi a gun? What the fuck! Next you'll be telling me it int even in Cantonese any more! And there’s no bird wi a gun in the entire fucking film! That’s not what it’s about! Why do you have to repackage summat in entirely fabricated pics and scenarios that DON’T ACTUALLY APPEAR INT FILM just to make people want to buy it? Surely if you put this shot ont cover, some bugger’s actually waiting to see it occur int film! I would! So why deliberately mislead people!

This is like the chopping of the 40 minutes from ‘The Storm Riders’. Don’t get me started. I’m already bashing this keyboard as I type, and really hoping I don’t kill it. I like my Apple keyboard. I shouldn’t take me anger out on it. Give me a minute to cool down.

No! Fuck it! I could not be more enraged or totally fucking out of me head with fury at this complete bollocksed situation of buying up foreign tales and then re-making em like you’re some kind of genius – and it’s ok, cos no-one actually realises you’re re-making it! I don’t know what fucks me off more, the re-make or the idea that this story could EVER be relocated OUTSIDE of Hong Kong! It’s like ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’, or ‘The Big Easy’ – you don’t take it out of its original environment, you bunch of fucking dozy-arsed, unoriginal, insipid excuses for sorry cunts! And yes, I deliberately chose a US movie there. I’m NOT saying “all Asian moves are good, all US movies are bad”. Not at all. I’m saying “stop re-making em and just write yer own, yer bloody useless hacks”. And I saw the wee straight nicked bits int trailer, too. The breaking of the cast on Yan’s wrist. The secret meetings at pictures. The man falling from ‘t great height (probably also onto ‘t taxi. Don’t know, don’t care).

And I’m sorry, but Leo DiCraprio? Are you taking ‘t piss? You actually want me to believe he could pull off the role of poor Chan Wing-Yan? They’ve got this all wrong – you’re supposed to LIKE Yan, not hope the actor dies a suffering, drawn-out and bloody death before filming starts. And Matt Damon as Inspector Ming? I’ve absolutely nothing against Matt Damon, but come on people, he’s just not an Insp. Ming character.

At times like this I wish I were religious, so I could shout “DEAR GOD!” and it would mean something. I wish I could just think of a word that could sum all this up. I wish I could just remember “they’re only films” and calm down. It’s just not happening, not after the week I’ve had.

Hope you enjoyed the copious amounts of shots from ’t original film, which I urge everyone to see BEFORE they flock to the Martin Scorsese version. I like Mr S. It’s a crying fucking shame, I tell you. I was hoping this’d be good, actually, and hoping it’s be a celebration of sharing and suchlike. Naw, fuck it. It’s just every man and his box office takings fer himself. Silly me, eh.

As Tony Leung himself put it (I forget which film it were in, but I’m sure he said it in English): “fuck you, fuck you very much”. And I’m off to find some small, fluffy street-living creature to hiss at and frighten. Cheers me up, you know.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


* (asterisk) said...

I'm over Scorsese. It seems he's mad in love with DiCaprio. I don't mind, Leo, but come on, Marty, he's not the new De Niro, whatever you want to think.

I knew Infernal Affairs was being remade by Marty. I'd sort of forgotten, though. I must say, I though Infernal Affairs was a little disappointing, but that was after reading so much about it being the saviour of HK cinema and it getting really bigged-up. I should give it another go, though.

But you're right: context is everything. That's why John Woo can't make good films anymore; he's out of his natural habitat. He was the fucking master, but his visual style just doesn't work out of the HK landscape, IMHO.

Just as Infernal Affiars is a typically HK story. It just can be relocated. You'd know that even better than me, living there an' all. It's just... wrong.

Soupdragon said...

"Just as Infernal Affiars is a typically HK story. It just can be relocated. "

Er... you mean "can't"? I hope? I think so, anyroad.

And yer right about John Woo. He needs to come back to HK and start making proper Woo film again. Ah well.

Ta fer the comments. Nice to know someone agrees (I think!)


granny w said...

you mardy tart! what crawled up your arse and died? you think your week was shite? i had to go to a fucking wedding... ina church.... with MONKEY BOY!!!!!just wait till i get there - there'll be no smothering you to my mighty chest to console you young dragon - it'll be a severe sending into the corner to have a chat with yourself you'll be getting!anyhoo i won't go to see this movie in protest of whatever you tell me i'm protesting. i'll be there 2 weeks (today) stick your peach and lube get ready to fill yer boots! i'll bring you presents - that'll sort you right oot!xx

Soupdragon said...

The magic word! Presents!

Ooooh... I'm counting the days, love...



* (asterisk) said...

Soupy, I did mean "can't", yes. Oops. I do that often. What a retard. Anyhoo, I agree!


I hardly ever get to see these movies. I must live a very sheltered life. Hope yer keyboard's ok

grany w said...

don't go breaking your keyboard wench! i need to use it to syphon money from my husbands account while i wile away the hours conversing with the flowers stayin at yours! by the by fuck disney land - they don't serve vodka and i cannae go to ocean park i didnae get ma hep c jag! talk tae ye it the weekend xxx

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