Enough

Shit – duck!

whooomf

Nope, there it goes again. Some kind of depression trying to smack me int head. No, no, yer alright, it missed me this time.

It’s been on the cards fer a week; the tell-tale signs weighed heavy as a battleship but I never saw this, this time. Strange. And I don’t even know what it’s all about, Alfie. It’s like I’ve lifted me head to look around me, to make sure Life hasn’t yet passed me by, and been hit by someone else tripping over their own troubles.

There’s also this feeling that I’m slowly realising what I did four years ago in coming to Hong Kong int first place. Fer the past four years I’ve never stopped to wonder over me reasons for the tacit motivation I had fer being here.

Here. This strange, odd little territory ceded to a monolithic anciency, with its crazy attraction borderin ont mystical. I’ve never once questioned why I’ve spent four years fighting fer work papers, a place to live, a circle of friends, the middle seat at karaoke. And I’m happy here. I’ve me own flat fert first time in me life, I’ve got friends whose minds work on the same wavelength as mine, and to all intents and purposes, I’ve no real troubles. Don’t mention the fact that I’m so single it's a joke, and I’m sound as a pound (even if I am thirty soon).

So why do I feel like me face has a heavy weight attached to ‘t chin-end? Why am I walking round like I’ve lost a tenner and found a forged fiver? I’m kicking other people’s cats, just cos I don’t have one of me own. I’m flicking me feet up when people stand on ‘em ont underground. I’m shoving back when people try to shove past me to wait fert pedestrian crossing lights to change. I’ve even stopped smoking cos it doesn’t change me mood, or in fact do owt but cause me to put on air-con to clear the acrid fog. Granted, vodka consumption has gone up, and maybe that’s a factor in me sudden an blinding murderous mood, but it's the one vice I have right now.

What am I doing here, anyway? Life in its entirety is boring the pants off me. And it shouldn’t. I’ve changed all music ont iPod. I’ve got new books in, books I know I’ll enjoy reading ont underground, grinning like a maniac and not caring who’s wondering what it is making me chuckle. I’ve got new comic books in (“Deathnote”, volumes 1 – 12, in HK Chinese translated from the original Japanese. The artwork is superb), and we sat through’t end of Lady Chatterley and not only did we get Sean Porn but a semi-happy ending as well. I’ve got mp3s of Sir Sean of Bean reading various audiobooks, so I should be right made-up wi Life.

I suspect it’s the knowledge that I’ve done this before. Change everything round to give meself the fresh air I need. I’m wondering, with a heavy heart, if this moving to HK thing were just the same, but ont bigger scale. It’s a little worrying. But this place is insidious. I can’t get away. I’ve been seriously thinking about what it would take to transport me life back to Blighty, and have been staggering under weight of problems therein. Fuck it. I’ll stay here until summat happens as makes me really want to go back. After all, apart from missing friends and family, there’s nowt else I’ll more gladly go without.

What job would I do? I’m only qualified to teach English as a second language, and then just wi one piece of paper from Cambridge. I have nothing, bar blood and friends, to go back for.

Looks like I’m staying here then, dunt it? I’m fucked off wi this blog an all. I’m leaving a nice big picture ~ from one o the many understanding, lovely girls at the Bean Daily) that’ll cheer me up, then going to watch summat old, trusted, and relied upon to make me smile. Remington Steele on DVD. Don’t laff. It’s cheering me up wi’ its wit and care-free TV-making. Between that an Moonlighting, they really knew how to make disposable yet entertaining shows back then. Don’t get me started.

Soopytwist. I’m all lubed out.

Tags:
depression ~ Hong Kong ~ smoking ~ vodka ~ Deathnote ~ Sean Bean ~ audiobook ~ England ~ Remington Steele ~ Moonlighting ~ Lady Chatterley ~ SeanPorn