Wot, no Sean Porn?

It’s me birthday soon. There’s no denying it ~ and why would I want to, anyway? I like birthdays. Especially the drinking, karaokeing and falling over on yer arse bit. And maybe the ‘getting the mini-bus home’ bit. And the ‘taken to lunch by me boss’ bit. There’s a lot to appreciate.

So, knowing that the official ‘The Hitcher site says ‘opens everywhere January 19th’, I were looking forward to a bit o’ blatant Sean Porn at pictures, the day after me birthday. Yeah, alright, we’ll forego the whole ‘but Rutger Hauer!’ and ‘re-make = crap!’ arguments fer now, and concentrate on what’s important: Sean Bean, arsey crazed super-villain, with tiny shiny knives an’ The Evil Sneer™ that did him so well in ‘Essex Boys’ (or the 'say that again an' I'll do The Knee Thing on yer' face from 'Faceless'). After all, ‘guns for show, knives for a pro’, as they say.

But no. It’s just not meant to be. I’m not one o’ them people that fortune smiles on. You saw ‘Casino Royale’, right? When he’s trying to restart his heart in the Aston and is pressing that button like a mad bugger, until he realises one wire int plugged in? Yeah, that’s me. Welcome to my world. I’m the one as gets hit over ‘t head wi’ an apparently stray brick, only to find a fuck-off hyowj gas bill tied to it.

After checking all the local HK listings and findin’ no-one’s even heard of the film over here, I widen me search to all Chinese-language pages as including Sean Bean and The Hitcher (in Chinese: ‘西恩賓’ and ‘幽靈終結者2007’, respectively). First one as comes up publishes a release date of March 23rd.

Right then. So obviously some new Sean Porn on my birthday was too much to ask fer. Maybe I should have gone wi’ summat simpler, say a TV repeat o’ ‘Stormy Monday’ or praps even ‘North Country’ (an’ I’m talking desperation here ~ the thought of his crappy American accent near makes me want to just pull Mister Sharpe outta his box instead). Ah well. Not fer me, a chance to perv watch a new bit o’ Nasty Sean. Not fer me, slasher flicks wi’ right scary bastards doin’ the necessary to earn a IIB (15 / R17) certificate. Not fer me, all manner of scary fucker-iness that Sir Seenie of the Beanie does so well. Once again the trousers of me planned enjoyment are yanked down by the mocking hands of Sod’s Law.

Bugger, balls and bollocks, eh.

I’ll just have to amuse meself wi’ summat else. Er… Er… I think I still have the DVD of ‘Lady Chatterley’. And ‘Essex Boys’. Or I might just give up on the hope of getting’ any Sir Sean and just go fer ‘Batman Begins’ or praps even ‘Doctor Who’. Except I know it just won’t be same; just dunt fill the void like Sean does (although I bet the Tennster would, if popular belief is true).

That’s it then, I’m going to bed now. After I’ve got Timo Maas and Jarvis Cocker on me iPod right.

No peach and lube; you’ll have to make do wi’ a ‘soopytwist’.

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3 'aye's:

T said...

Those bastards !

FOUR DINNERS said...

The Hitcher is supurb. Rutger Haur is well underrated if yer ask me. Ever seen Flesh and Blood with him n Jennifer Jason Leigh - wee bit porno but crackin movie.


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www.drunkpunk.wordpress.com by the way

fab said...

Well....I don't condone movie piracy, but I would bet money you could torrent this sucker before I actually get my butt in the theater Friday. :P
But I hear ya, GF, just ain't no fun having a birthday w/o the Bean. I'll grieve with you. :((