'Outlaw': a review

This post contains one or two unintentional spoilers, I'm sure...
Right. There's probably not a bugger here who dunt know I'm quite partial to a bit of Sir Sean of Bean (exactly which bit I fear to specify), so it'll come as no surprise to you lot that I went out and saw 'Outlaw' last night. So, here we go, a bit of review, lads n lasses. As wi me growing tradition, I'll attempt to sum up the entire film in three words:

1. Laughable
2. Slow
3. Inevitable

First things first then:

1. Laughable

This covers a wide range of aspects of this film. Laffable that Nick Love managed to fool people into thinking he were making a proper picture. Laffable that he hood-winked people to join in, and laffable that it got as far as't cinema.

Also laffable were the dialogue - honestly, I could have written better than that. I kept wondering when Sean were going to stop, wave his hands politely at cameraman, and then turn and look over the top of it, going "Sorry mate, just can't do it, it's shite". And wee Danny Dyer - you should be ashamed. You had so much crappy dialogue you looked like the worst offender - why didn't you just tell the bloke it were arse-gravy? I mean, what's gone on, boys? You could have called me, I could have stepped in at last minute and given the script a bit of a re-write. Trust me, short notice and a little rushed as it would have been, I feel it would have been a damned-sight better than what you got handed.

Also laffable that this film was, I think, trying to make a point. I'm not sure what it was, though. It could have been 'all vigilantes go south eventually', or 'Britain, as a nation, is fucked', or praps 'never trust quiet security guards'. I'm not sure. But it all got a bit too much round about three-quarters the way in. I were contemplating going to the toilets. In the next village.

2. Slow

O my dog, you want a soul-destroying, brain-numbing hour of people dragging feet and humming n hawing, havering on just about every fucking point in the universe? You want people standing around thinking with deep, meaningful looks on their faces for what feels like a hyowj chunk of yer life? Then see this film. Again, not saying I could do better, but if I had the entire first hour would have been done in ten minutes. Before the opening credits. And then you'd get the pay-off that never came in Nick Love's original: scores of quick shots, depicting the 'outlaws' going after and dealing wi all the scum on their hitlist. You know, a two or even three-minute montage of them despatching all kinds of villains n untouchable nonces triad-style and actually doing summat like what they set out to do. Then the ending could have been re-written to include some kind of closure and proper fucking point.

3. Inevitable

Hmm, many reasons fer this one being here:
It were inevitable as rain on Bank Holiday weekend that, of course, people have to die. I'm not disputing that. What I didn't like were the way it were done. I think what we have here is a failure to imagine a decent ending. Really.

Overall gripes then:

I could have nodded off and woken two seconds from't end and still not missed owt. Pity I didn't, I could have missed the awful dialogue and crappy attempt to tell some kind of confused story.

Camera-work. Yeah, I know it were supposed to be 'ard and gritty. Yeah, I know it were supposed to be cutting-edge and cool, man, you know? But fer fuck's sake, KEEP THE SODDING CAMERA STILL for at least SOME of the 'important' bits of dialogue! The whole use of hand-held, shaky camera-work was lost on me. It irritated and did not add anything at all to the look and feel of the film.

Ah well. There were some good things about it. [thinks frantically] Er.... Oh yeah, right. The actors. They actually did a marvellous job, considering what they had to work wi. And obviously on an anorexic budget. Which just goes to make it all the worse; you shouldn't take advantage of people wanting to help you out making a film, by offering their services at a non-existent price. It's wrong.

And on top o that, we didn't get any Sean Porn at all - not one arse-shot (not even a Gratuitous Butt Shot), and how rare is that in a Sean Bean film? I felt betrayed. We did get Sean shouting n swearing like a Royal Marines Commando at people as deserved it, and he does do a lovely line in angry looks an all, so we did get summat nice to look at. Apart from that, nowt to lift this film out o the bargain bin. Nowt at all. Except perhaps fer using it in a 'how not to make a film' exercise.
So, last words from me mates as went wi me:
"A great idea, done so badly."

I rest me case. Sorry Nick, and all the cast n crew, but when it were transferred to screen, it just didn't come off as you'd hoped. I know I've been extremely negative here, but it's just how I saw it. I'm sure others liked it. Someone must have.

So there's just 'The Hitcher' to look forward to then. And '300'.

Soopytwist.

Tags:
Outlaw ~ Nick Love ~ Sean Bean ~ Danny Dyer