Signpost? What signpost?



Sometimes I amaze even myself. I know, that sounds either (1) arrogant or (2) not hard to do. It’s probably both, except I’m on about how spectacularly dim I’ve been.

Ok, long story short: mate of mine mentioned how we really really needed to catch up, and then proceeded to say that some time int week we should get together for dinner and then a pint. I said yeah, that sounds like a good idea, and left it at that. On the way home, other mate pointed out how the way this plan had been broached made it sound like an offer. A special offer. Like… dinner would not be the end of the evening.

Cue me, going ‘but he’s just a mate’ and then Taxi Friend going ‘well perhaps he’s not looking to be just your mate’.


So there I am, wondering why I didn’t see the signs, and then thinking (1) Adam the psychic was right, and (2) it wouldn’t go anywhere even if we did do something stupid after dinner. (But, just fert record? I don’t think he did mean it like that. I think he meant as a ‘just mates’ thing.)

Thing is, if someone else had told me this story, I would have leapt to conclusions, too. About him being a man and what he’d meant by it, I mean. If it were anyone else telling me this, I would have said the same. Blame it on my cynical nature, my pessimistic view of things, or my willingness to only believe the worst in people until I’m proven wrong. But there we are.

So why don’t I see it myself? Why do I have to try to see it from someone else’s shoes before I get it? I could blame a lot of things - childhood, school friends/politics, my own perverse perspective. What it comes down to is that I would no more think a bloke would make a pass at me than I would the girl sitting next to me on the bus. And by that I mean just because some blokes fancy birds doesn’t mean they hit on every single one they come into contact with, and just because a girl’s a lesbian doesn’t mean she’ll go for every girl she comes into contact with, either. The world just doesn’t work like that.

Maybe I’ve watched too much Star Trek in my life, but I’ve always been surprised that people immediately leap on the first suitable person that they start working with, or come into contact with. You mean people CAN’T work with someone WITHOUT fancying them? Dear gods - you have to be joking! I’ve had my fair share of blokes who I’ve only met through work, granted. But it’s never been immediate and it’s never been because they were under my nose and within lazy reach. Each one has had to grow on me almost painfully slowly - perhaps I’m just weird like that.

And living over here has certainly not helped. After having one (oh alright, two) Hongkers, I have to say I do actually prefer British blokes. It’s something in the elbows, in the way they carry themselves - they don’t simper along carrying their girlfriend’s handbag limply from their wrists. Ok, that’s a bit strong - but come on, name me three Hong Kong blokes who could hold a candle to the likes of Max Beesley or even Martin Freeman. Yes, Martin Freeman. He’s not huge, he’s not Mr Action Man, but fuck me, he knows how to strut and if he’s not written a book on quiet confidence and Ninja BAMFing then he bloody well should do. I could never go for him personally, even if he is left handed like me (he’s Tim! Wee Tim! And now purr wee Watson!) - he’s more like a Sam Tyler, Sam Winchester type. However, even he pisses over the attitude of most of the Hongkers I’ve met. Obviously I need to meet more. Or just go back to Blighty and stop moaning.

So what’s the point of all this? That I’m far too open-minded to notice when a bloke may or may not be going the nice, polite route. And that I can’t wait for Mad Dogs to start later this week so I can perv. I mean watch. Yes. Watch closely.


And that’s all I have to moan about right now. I’m sure I’ll be back very soon.



Soopytwist.

Tags:
~ men ~ Hong Kong ~ Max Beesley ~ Martin Freeman

Birthday wishes

I know I probably did this last year too. In fact, yeah, I know I did. So on wi the birthday requests, then. I will of course be 25 again, so stop wi the Old Wimmin presents. And I live in Hong Kong, so don’t send me owt for winter. Our winters are 10-15° C without rain, so don’t be so nesh.

First ont list, then. Anyone as feels like furnishing me wi this wee present would be in me good books – or no, my bloody star books – for eternity:

Just like that, as Tommy Copper used to say. And probably still does.

Next. Any combination of the usual suspects, AKA the Royal Marines Commando Fantasy Corps, with or without attire, is fine. Would be rude of me to try and pick any one of em over the others. Unless he's Karl Urban or David Tenninch Tennant, praps. They kinda get bumped to the top, mostly. Anyway, next ont list, and I know this is asking a lot, but would it really be rude to ask for an Aston? Either a 4 litre straight-sixed 280 bhp 1963 DB5, a 1977 V8 Vantage (well, let’s just say that year is a special one) or a full-on DBS V12. Or all three, if yer feeling particularly generous.






Off the car stuff and back to Geekville, where I reside with pleasure. I still want a new iMac – cos they’re so amazingly fab. And the extra special 1 terabyte drive would be fucking lush – that’s one thousand gig, to anyone else. Phwoooaaaaaarrrrr…

Ahem. Anyway, think we’re done here. I feel a pub quiz coming on, down’t Winchester White Stag again.

Peach and lube everyone.

Tags:
birthday ~ Hong Kong ~ Jensen Ackles ~ Aston Martin ~ iMac ~ pub

RMC and Purple Nurples

So, to recap (cos I’ve been meaning to do this fer ages now) who’s in me Fantasy Royal Marines Corps:

Sean Bean, Max Beesley, Ewan McGregor, Clive Owen, Christian Bale, Jason Isaacs, Robert Carlyle, Daniel Craig, Karl Urban, Hugh Jackman, Philip Glenister, Gerard Butler, Pierce Brosnan and Sean Pertwee.

To recap the rules: have to be British-born or from the Commonwealth (see what I did there?), capable of doing The Knee Thing to any bugger’s forehead / nose, and of course have one endearing feature (e.g., good with pithy comebacks, cutting remarks, or that old chestnut, look good in army fatigues).

So to the new recruits:

David Tennant (I saw ‘Secret Smile’, I’m not going to argue with him), John Barrowman (the only man in ‘Doctor bloody Who’ who carries a gun and will shoot people in the head – or just beat the crap out of them – and he’s “not just heterosexual”), Nathan Fillion (Cap’n Mal sir – and he’s Canadian), Kevin Smith (no, the other one – we will forever be in love with Ares’s arms, his witty banter and wonderful rendition of brooding, smouldering manliness. And he was a Kiwi. Oh Ares, you are missed), Sir Sean Connery (do I need to explain why?), Aaron Kwok (hey, I saw ‘After This Our Exile’. And he were born in Hong Kong in 1965, so I’m pulling territories).

Ok, so consider yerself caught up now. However, if there are any more you’d like me to add, let me know. We’re doing actors, not characters, remember.

And on to something also in the Woot!Fun category: it started out as a joke, then became a mission, and later this week I’ll be able to get down to the bottle shop in Central and get the ingredients in. And me Red Cross parcel (containing an optic, I believe) is arriving any day now – I love it when a plan comes together. Anyway, finally found a few recipes for the infamous Purple Nurples. Good job there’s more than one, cos I can’t ingest coconut. So take yer pick here:

Purple Nurples (#1)

1oz Malibu Coconut Rum
1 oz Triple Sec
1/2 oz Blue Curacao Liqueur
2 oz Cranberry Juice
Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with Ice. Shake and strain into a glass.

Purple Nurples (#2)

1/4 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
1/4 oz vodka
1/4 oz apple schnapps
1/4 oz sweet and sour mix
1/4 oz grenadine syrup
Pour all ingredients over ice in a cocktail shaker. Shake, strain into a shot glass, and serve.

How fab is that? So apart from ‘Supernatural’ season 2 finishing on a very satisfying moment last night on telly, there’s not a lot to watch. Oh, except praps that new HK film ‘Brothers’, which looks like another famous-names-Fest, and of course Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D at the new cinema in Kowloon Station. Might have to make the crossing to big bad Kowloon to see that – can you imagine Jack Skellington in 3D? Ace, I tell you, all kinds of aceness waiting to happen.

So that’s it then. Peach and lube everyone!

Tags:
Sean Bean ~ Max Beesley ~ Ewan McGregor ~ Clive Owen ~ Christian Bale ~ Jason Isaacs ~ Robert Carlyle ~ Daniel Craig ~ Karl Urban ~ Hugh Jackman ~ Philip Glenister ~ Gerard Butler ~ Pierce Brosnan ~ Sean Pertwee ~ David Tennant ~ John Barrowman ~ Nathan Fillion ~ Kevin Smith ~ Sean Connery ~ Aaron Kwok ~ RMC ~ Supernatural ~ cocktails ~ Purple Nurples ~ Hong Kong ~ Tim Burton ~ Nightmare Before Christmas

A Trek by any other name

Short one tonight, folks. It’s the Chung Yeung Festival tomorrow, so I have the day off:

WOO-HOOO!

And then we have a supposedly finalised cast list for the new Trek movie, scheduled for released on Christmas Day, 2008:

Kirk = Chris Pine
Spock = Leonard Nimoy / Zachary Quinto
Scotty = Simon Pegg
Nero = Eric Bana
Uhura = Zoe Saldana
Chekov = Anton Yelchin
Sulu = John Cho
Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy = Karl Urban

How excited are we that Karl Urban is Bones? (Especially remembering he's in me fantasy league of Royal Marine Commandos?) How amazingly cool will that be? Except he’ll be using his US accent, not his native Kiwi. Damn. Ah well, can’t have everything…

Simon Pegg as Scotty? Have to brush up on his accent, methinks, but could be ‘waaaaay cool’ as me US mate would say.

Seems they’re loading up the talent and girlie porn stakes to make sure even non-fangirls / fanboys watch it. This could be interesting. Cos that means they might actually have to write a proper script and not rely on sci-fi loyalty to get by. Hmm...

As long as they don’t balls-up the script, it could be good…

That’s it. I’m out ont tiles. See you later, innovator.

Tags:
Chung Yeung Festival ~ Star Trek ~ Chris Pine ~ Leonard Nimoy ~ Zachary Quinto ~ Simon Pegg ~ Eric Bana ~ Zoe Saldana ~ Anton Yelchin ~ John Cho ~ Karl Urban

Home again home again jiggety-jig…

I’m back. I’m up and I’m dressed, what more do you want? And so to fighting off jet-lag by a quick round-up of all the shite I’ve neglected while I’ve been bouncing around continents.

Take That does ‘Shine’: yay! It’s bouncy-bouncy tap-tap time! My favourite track ont ‘Beautiful World’ album, an’ all. Got up at 7am this morning, purely cos I couldn’t sleep (jet-lagged, you understand – you think I get up at that time of the night normally?). Turned on T.V. to find Channel V (music station) playing the beginning of the very song. Sat and watched, transfixed.

Was it over-the-top bollocks, shiny white suits and unashamed spectacle in the style of some RKO broadcast? Or just a bit of fun? Impossible to be sure on just one, bemused viewing. Perhaps it’ll be on again at some point. Bloody good laff, though. Chucking wee Mark Owen over a piano? Howard and Jason doing synchronised breakdancing? Had me chuckling into me morning tea, that’s for damned sure. Gave me that little pep I needed to wake up first thing int morning. Bloody marvellous, I think.

Stephen Fretwell – who is he and what does he want? Apparently he’s quite good at folky type stuff and he’s filling up me iPod nicely.

And so to ‘Primeval’. ITV’s answer to ‘Doctor Who’ and ‘Walking With Dinosaurs’? Riiiiiiiight. I watched I think the second episode, and thought it could be quite good. Watched an episode tonight, about some flying thingy that turned out to be completely harmless while some other flock of miniature pterodactyl / bat things went round ripping people to pieces. Hmm. All I can say is, rival to ‘Doctor Who’ it ain’t. For me, at any rate.

The lead blokey runs like a girl, some bizarre attraction between him and Establishment Girl (interrupted by Wifey, who pops in and out of our world willy-nilly) is completely contrived and is faker than a five dollar copy of ‘Casino Royale’. I just don’t get it. I’m sure there are people who hate New Who just as much, and treat it wi as much derision, so I’ll not bang on about it.

And so to ‘Doctor bloody Who’ ~ just got past ‘Love and Monsters’ and have to say, thought it were fab, even if the Doctor and Blondie don’t turn up till last five minutes. Very funny and so very Russell T. Davies, dahling.

And so to other, ‘foreign’ sci-fi shows: ‘Firefly’. Just got stuck into the ‘War Stories’ episode and nearly died laffing. Which, considering it were about Cap’n Mal Sir and poor put-upon Wash being kidnapped and tortured, should come as a surprise. But not where poor Wash has delusions of Mal and his wife (the Amazonian Zoe) sharing more than just troop rations during the war are concerned. Bloody hilarious, their conversations on shagging Zoe to prove a point. I especially liked the ending, parting shot. Bloody hell, Nathan Fillion is a find. Has he had his jaw wired at some point, been taking deadpan lessons from Jack Dee (of ten years ago), or is he just Canadian? Oh, Canadian it is, then. (Wait a minute! That means he can join my fantasy league of Royal Marines Commandos! Woo-hoo!) Fucking excellent sense of comic timing and a wonderfully parched-dry sense of humour on that attractive mountain of man. And if you should find yerself in possession of the boxed DVD set, treat yerself to the commentary. Him and Alan Tudyk (‘Wash’) are a fantastic double-act. Ah, dear, eh? So much pleasure in such a small box should be illegal.

And so to ‘Supernatural’. Yeah, I know you lot have seen all the current series, but we’ve only had the first one (I think) over here in Hong Kong on TVB Pearl. I have to admit, I’ve ceased watching it fer some itch fert weird goings-on left so long unscratched by ‘The X Files’. Naw, I’m watching cos that brother, the shorter one, what’s-his-tit, Dean. He’s nice. Think his name’s Jensen in real life. Bit of a girlie name, is ‘Jenson’. Sounds like either a racing driver or a muppet manipulator wi a Spanish accent. Hmm. But bloody hell, he has a nice car! Lovely sound, too. Apparently it’s a 1967 Chevy Impala. Sounds foreign.


And so to footie – you knew it were coming, right? Namely Man U’s smiting of the European XI fer charity. ‘Ave it!

Er, I think that’s it… Going to pour meself me third whisky and coke (ta muchly, A., fer them two hyowj bottles!) and praps sneak a peak at some Sir Sean of Bean news. Apparently things are moving on ‘True North’ and ‘A Woman of No Importance’. Praps his usual reliable performance in these two new projects will deaden the memory of the waste of space ‘Outlaw’. Well, we can hope…

Soopytwist.

Tags:
Take That ~ Beautiful World ~ Mark Owen ~ RKO ~ Channel V ~ Stephen Fretwell ~ Doctor Who ~ Primeval ~ ITV ~ Firefly ~ Nathan Fillion ~ Alan Tudyk ~ Supernatural ~ Jensen Ackles ~ The X Files ~ Manchester United ~ Sean Bean ~ Outlaw

'Outlaw': a review

This post contains one or two unintentional spoilers, I'm sure...
Right. There's probably not a bugger here who dunt know I'm quite partial to a bit of Sir Sean of Bean (exactly which bit I fear to specify), so it'll come as no surprise to you lot that I went out and saw 'Outlaw' last night. So, here we go, a bit of review, lads n lasses. As wi me growing tradition, I'll attempt to sum up the entire film in three words:

1. Laughable
2. Slow
3. Inevitable

First things first then:

1. Laughable

This covers a wide range of aspects of this film. Laffable that Nick Love managed to fool people into thinking he were making a proper picture. Laffable that he hood-winked people to join in, and laffable that it got as far as't cinema.

Also laffable were the dialogue - honestly, I could have written better than that. I kept wondering when Sean were going to stop, wave his hands politely at cameraman, and then turn and look over the top of it, going "Sorry mate, just can't do it, it's shite". And wee Danny Dyer - you should be ashamed. You had so much crappy dialogue you looked like the worst offender - why didn't you just tell the bloke it were arse-gravy? I mean, what's gone on, boys? You could have called me, I could have stepped in at last minute and given the script a bit of a re-write. Trust me, short notice and a little rushed as it would have been, I feel it would have been a damned-sight better than what you got handed.

Also laffable that this film was, I think, trying to make a point. I'm not sure what it was, though. It could have been 'all vigilantes go south eventually', or 'Britain, as a nation, is fucked', or praps 'never trust quiet security guards'. I'm not sure. But it all got a bit too much round about three-quarters the way in. I were contemplating going to the toilets. In the next village.

2. Slow

O my dog, you want a soul-destroying, brain-numbing hour of people dragging feet and humming n hawing, havering on just about every fucking point in the universe? You want people standing around thinking with deep, meaningful looks on their faces for what feels like a hyowj chunk of yer life? Then see this film. Again, not saying I could do better, but if I had the entire first hour would have been done in ten minutes. Before the opening credits. And then you'd get the pay-off that never came in Nick Love's original: scores of quick shots, depicting the 'outlaws' going after and dealing wi all the scum on their hitlist. You know, a two or even three-minute montage of them despatching all kinds of villains n untouchable nonces triad-style and actually doing summat like what they set out to do. Then the ending could have been re-written to include some kind of closure and proper fucking point.

3. Inevitable

Hmm, many reasons fer this one being here:
It were inevitable as rain on Bank Holiday weekend that, of course, people have to die. I'm not disputing that. What I didn't like were the way it were done. I think what we have here is a failure to imagine a decent ending. Really.

Overall gripes then:

I could have nodded off and woken two seconds from't end and still not missed owt. Pity I didn't, I could have missed the awful dialogue and crappy attempt to tell some kind of confused story.

Camera-work. Yeah, I know it were supposed to be 'ard and gritty. Yeah, I know it were supposed to be cutting-edge and cool, man, you know? But fer fuck's sake, KEEP THE SODDING CAMERA STILL for at least SOME of the 'important' bits of dialogue! The whole use of hand-held, shaky camera-work was lost on me. It irritated and did not add anything at all to the look and feel of the film.

Ah well. There were some good things about it. [thinks frantically] Er.... Oh yeah, right. The actors. They actually did a marvellous job, considering what they had to work wi. And obviously on an anorexic budget. Which just goes to make it all the worse; you shouldn't take advantage of people wanting to help you out making a film, by offering their services at a non-existent price. It's wrong.

And on top o that, we didn't get any Sean Porn at all - not one arse-shot (not even a Gratuitous Butt Shot), and how rare is that in a Sean Bean film? I felt betrayed. We did get Sean shouting n swearing like a Royal Marines Commando at people as deserved it, and he does do a lovely line in angry looks an all, so we did get summat nice to look at. Apart from that, nowt to lift this film out o the bargain bin. Nowt at all. Except perhaps fer using it in a 'how not to make a film' exercise.
So, last words from me mates as went wi me:
"A great idea, done so badly."

I rest me case. Sorry Nick, and all the cast n crew, but when it were transferred to screen, it just didn't come off as you'd hoped. I know I've been extremely negative here, but it's just how I saw it. I'm sure others liked it. Someone must have.

So there's just 'The Hitcher' to look forward to then. And '300'.

Soopytwist.

Tags:
Outlaw ~ Nick Love ~ Sean Bean ~ Danny Dyer

Separated at birth...?

Well, it’s been a long holiday, hasn’t it? First it were Christmas (three days if you count Sunday) and then New Year (two days if you count Sunday). I spose five days over two weeks int bad when you look at all them poor buggers having to work in 24hr jobs. I had to do it once. It sucked the big one.

Anyway, got meself a proper bad head today, courtesy of too many BBC programmes and vodka. Thank Crunchie fert Tinternet ~ we had Robin Hood (pants!), Quatermass (new ‘live’ re-make: pretty good!) and Doctor Who (K9! Screaming like girls! Hilarious!). The rest of Hong Kong's holiday programming were drier than a snake’s arse in a wagon rut, so very grateful Tinternet seems to be 70% restored over here.

So anyway, over a week ago now, unwrapped me DVD of Doctor Who’s 2005 season 2 opener, “The Christmas Invasion”, and settled in fer an eyeful ~ bearing in mind up until this point, the last time I bothered to watch a Doctor Who was Sylvester McCoy, and that kinda put me off it fer life. Anyway, this new stuff is typical BBC light-entertainment fare, nowt special and praps not worth writing home about. And yet, if you’ve been overseas for a while, you kinda miss all them typically English things that make a visit worth it. I spose it’s true, yer country does sometimes make you who you are.

Anyway, there’s poor ‘New Doctor’ (and we’re all thinking, maybe we should have started with ‘New’ Doctor Christopher Ecclestone first…), walking fromt Tardis. He’s all rested and sorted after having spent most of the episode in bed, recovering from his abrupt Chris Ecclestone-shedding moment (which we’ve never seen either. Was it fab?). He opens the big blue doors and just says “Did you miss me?”

He then goes on (an I’m sure you’ve all seen this episode on TV the first time around, so I’m not exactly committing spoilerage, am I?) to have a word wi a nasty alien bully type, putting him in place right enough before saying hello to all the people he saw last when he were Doctor Chris.

But big bad Mr Alien (“big fella”, as New Doctor calls him, which had me in stitches in a ‘looking-after-me-neighbour’s-large-but-actually-quite-harmless-pet-dog’ kinda way), demands to know what the present continuous tense is going on, and who this matey thinks he is, shuffling round in his jammies and slippers, Arthur Dent-stylee.

And New Doctor has a bit of a Moment (A.K.A. Funny Turn), having no clue who he is actually is. I mean, give the poor love a minute, eh? He’s just woken up and he’s not entirely sure who he is himself. Course, I coulda told him. I mean, I’ve seen that face before:



No wait, I think I’ve got em mixed up. Ah, right, got it, it should have been this one, sorry:



No, wait, wait... hang on. Let me get this straight – these two are NOT the same bloke? Are you sure?



Are you sure? I mean, really? Hmm. Alright, I’ll have to take yer word fer it. Mind you, I’ve never seen ‘em stood next to each other, in a Batman/Bruce Wayne kinda way. Eh? Eh? Eh?

Anyway, enjoyed it fer all them little English bits you just don’t get when yer abroad (revived wi a cuppa tea? Bloody marvellous! We were in fits over that one!), and have to say, David Tenninch The Tennster makes a smashing Doctor. I think it’s his bendy face.





Speaking o which, couldn’t we have The Hamster in our fantasy corp. of Royal Marines Commandos? I mean, any bloke as ploughs a field wi his head at 300mph, spends three months in hospital and then walks out wi’owt a scratch deserves a mention, in me estimation.

Anyway, back to it, eh. It’s work again tomorrow, and I’ll have to fight wi play wi the little monsters dahlings and pretend I’m a well-adjusted, normal person. It’s going to be hard.

Hang on, it’s January! Happy New Year everyone, 新年快樂! That means it’s my birthday soon! Woo-hoo! More reasons to get pished! And then after that it’s February… crazy! That means... in a few months I’ll have been scribbling on this thing fer a year already. Dunt time fly when alcohol-propelled? Much like space rockets.

That’ll do then. Soopytwist.

Tags:
BBC ~ DVD ~ Christmas ~ Doctor Who ~ Christopher Ecclestone ~ David Tennant ~ Tardis ~ Richard Hammond ~ England ~ Hong Kong ~ work ~ Quatermass

RMC – new recruits!

Time to update me fantasy league of Royal Marines Commandos – and about time, too. How could I have missed out Sir Sean of Connery? I know, I know, I slapped meself fer leaving him off, and ta very much to Caz for reminding me.

Someone suggested John Barrowman. Having never seen Torchwood and only ever one ‘new’ Doctor Who, I’ll have to leave him off fer now. No personal experience, you see? Apparently he was actually born in Scotland, so his application is not being denied ont grounds that he’s a Yank. He was just brought up over there, apparently. Time will tell if I can judge him worthy on roughness/’ardness/craftiness/suitability etc. and let him in int future.

Next!

And here’s where the fun really starts [insert big grin here]. Someone suggested David Tennant, and I kinda went: “who?”, “the new Doctor Who?”, and “naw!” in that order.

But woah, woah, woah. Thanks to the magical picture collating temple that is Tinternet, I can kinda see the motivation behind his name being volunteered. But naw, still not quite ‘ard enough. Or is he?

And so to’t next stop ont evidence trawl: YouTube. This is me, having a quick squiz at some Doctor Who bollocks. This is me, caving faster than a Rich Tea biscuit in a hot cuppa tea (“fucking one-dips!”). He is terribly good in specs, int he? And he does have that Richard Hammond-esque thing about him. And he can be clever. And he was Casanova fert BBC (p.s.; still can’t find this in HK – all donations gratefully accepted). And the one categorical, undeniably favourable fact? He’s Scottish. And call me old-fashioned, but I refuse to believe he could be a complete wet blanket if he’s a Scot.

“Just hand me that application form, sir. Thank you. Hmm…. Bit of a pigeon-chested bastard, aren’t you now? Ah, but it states here ‘quick thinker who takes all opportunities presented to him’. Ah. And then ‘tall, looks good in well-cut suits’. And then it says here yer from West Lothian? Right then, hand me that rubber stamp – (bang) – done. Now get in them showers and gizza shout if you need help wi’ owt, lad – owt at all, you understand.”

And so to work. Very happy to find that The Evil Queen of Numbers (A.K.A. ‘the boss’) will not be int country fer Xmas. Well, thank fuck! While the Evil Queen’s away, the mice will not be doing any sodding students’ reports, I’ll tell you that fer free.

And so to Xmas. A pox on all those who sent me religious representations cunningly wrapped in white sheathes of stiff paper! How dare you send me material that is intrinsically offensive to my religion! I am an atheist, get over it! Stop with the ‘the Winter Festival belongs to God’ bollocks ~ it belonged to the conquering Romans. And that’s my final word.

Well, actually, no, this is:

Soopytwist.

Tags:
Sean Connery ~ John Barrowman ~ Torchwood ~ Doctor Who ~ David Tennant ~ Richard Hammond ~ Casanova ~ BBC ~ Christmas ~ Royal Marines Commando

Girlie prawn!

This post is especially for Our Dave, who SMS’d me to say this site “needs more girlie prawn”. Right then, here we are:



Yeah, yeah, I know what yer thinking ~ that last one were of prawn dumplings… My apologies. Anyway, what I think he meant were girlie porn! So here we go, in the form of my updated list of lads as could join my fantasy corps of Royal Marines Commandos…. (cue the old "do yow 'ave the strength o' mind to bicoom a Royal Marines Commandoh...")

Left to right:

Sean Bean, Max Beesley, Ewan McGregor, Clive Owen, Christian Bale, Jason Isaacs, Robert Carlyle, Daniel Craig, Karl Urban, Hugh Jackman, Philip Glenister, Gerard Butler, Pierce Brosnan and Sean Pertwee…


If I’ve left anyone out, please let me know… Remember: they must be from the Commonwealth or the UK. And I’m looking fer actors, not their characters…

And no, I’m not worried about Daniel Craig being the new Bond ~ I’ll watch it first (December 21st, in Hong Kong) and then pass comment. Ok? And why get all upset about it anyway ~ as Slartibartfast once said: “Perhaps I’m old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what’s actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, ‘Hang the sense of it,’ and keep yourself busy. I’d much rather be happy than right any day.” I’m with him. I’m not really bothered about anything right now.

That’s pretty much it ~ peach and lube. Lots and lots of lube… *wink wink*

Tags:
prawns ~ porn ~ RMC ~ Sean Porn ~ Sean Bean ~ Max Beesley ~ Ewan McGregor ~ Clive Owen ~ Christian Bale ~ Jason Isaacs ~ Robert Carlyle ~ Daniel Craig ~ Bond ~ Hugh Jackman ~ Karl Urban ~ Philip Glenister ~ Gerard Butler ~ Pierce Brosnan ~ Sean Pertwee ~ Slartibartfast ~ Douglas Adams

The Fantasy RMC Corps Strikes Back… (8th March '06)

Ok, I’ve had some feedback since mentioning this little idea to people ~ people are trying to twist my arm to get other people into my Fantasy RMC Corps. Can I just remind everyone I’m looking for the actual ACTORS themselves, NOT the characters they’ve played. Right, that said, let’s look at the suggestions one by one, shall we?

Let’s look at who we have:
Sean Bean,
Max Beesley,
Ewan McGregor.
Hmm, not exactly bursting at the seams, are we? Who else then?

Sean Pertwee? Remember Event Horizon’s 6-foot engineer, Smith? Yep, he’s in. Ok, he’s from London, but nobody’s perfect. Nick Moran? Nah ~ not burly enough (and we don’t want any more Cockneys in here than necessary). Clive Owen (a Coventry boy) ~ absolutely yes! He’s in!

Someone suggested Christian Bale, and I’d have to endorse that application. After all, he represents Wales, is a bit burly (when he wants to be) and is a dab hand at kicking seven shades o shite out o people. He’s in! How about Jason Isaacs? Yes, alright, he started out in Capital City, the TV series, but he’s from Liverpool. He’s in! Robert Carlyle: Why are we even discussing this? Begbie's in! Daniel Craig? A Chester boy brought up in Liverpool? That’s credentials alone: in!

But what about the other parts of the far-flung once British Empire: the Commonwealth? First up, because I put in his application, is Karl Urban, representing New Zealand. (Think Xena's Caesar, Lord Vacco, John “Grim” Reaper, Eomer, and of course Jamie Forrest from Shortland Street.) No question: in! Let’s be having Hugh Jackman. Born in Sydney but played a Canadian onscreen ~ marvellous! Who wouldn’t let him in? Sign ‘em all up, give em their gear, I want em all in uniform ASAP…

Some have argued I’m using the Commonwealth because there aren’t enough useful lads on British soil, but I would argue that (1) I’ve already got a shitload above, and (2) you can’t leave out a few good men just cos they were born int wrong place. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying they should have been born in England, I’m just saying they shouldn’t be denied the chance of joining our league of extraordinarily buff gentlemen just because they’re not British. After all, a buff bloke is a buff bloke, and land’s just land ~ except I do draw the line at America (they're "Royal" Marines Commandos, after all).
So we have our men. Hmm. Now I can sleep easy at night. Of course, if you think I’ve left anyone out, feel free to let me know…

Oh no! I've just re-read this for proof-reading, and do you know who I've left out? Do you realize what I almost did? I nearly left out the Gene Genie himself! DCI Gene Hunt, from Life on Mars! Bloody hell! What was I thinking? He could be The Sarge! Right then, in wi him, too!

Tags:
Sean Bean ~ Max Beesley ~ Ewan McGregor ~ Sean Pertwee ~ Clive Owen ~ Christian Bale ~ Jason Isaacs ~ Robert Carlyle ~ Daniel Craig ~ Karl Urban ~ Hugh Jackman ~ Life on Mars ~ Royal Marines Commando

DO YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH OF MIND TO BE… (9th March '06)

...A ROYAL MARINES COMMANDO?

Then we’re looking for you! Yes, you! Hundreds ~ nay, thousands o young lasses all over t' UK are looking for you! Let me explain.

It all started when Sean Bean, he of the Sheffield accent so broad you could wallpaper an entire house wi it, did the adverts for the Royal Marines. They were recruitment adverts, extolling the virtues of becoming a soldier and fighting for Queen and Country on the side of England. It were all very stirring stuff ~ the whole “come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough” challenge was laid down, and I’m sure it appealed to many. The amusing thing was of course, people’s ideas of what a Royal Marines Commando should look ~ and sound ~ like.

If you ask people in Britain which accent is the “hardest”, what do you think the answer would be? Glaswegian? Cockney? Something like that ~ thanks to Brit-flicks like “Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels” and “Trainspotting” etc. Would anyone say “Mancunian”? “Lancashire”? “Yorkshire”? Probably not ~ it makes people think of Coronation Street, Eric Morecambe or Peter Kay, not exactly the country’s representatives of hard men. So the sound of a rough, demanding Sheffield voice challenging you to join up may sound odd. But the advert did garner legions of fans…

Females up and down the country responded to the Sharpe-like voice, a character he played in a TV series. And his accent and character were synonymous wi “less of your bollocks, more of your work, or are you a Southern wanker after all?”. Richard Sharpe gets the job done, come hail, snow, opposing armies or a four minute warning siren. He could be knee-deep in thick, seeping, squelching mud of about 2 degrees Celsius, and he’d say: “bit damp, that”. He could be stabbed and bleeding to death int fight, and he’d say: “is that all you can manage?”

Oh yes, and he always has a legion of ladies in waiting. One in every port, you might say. Why? He’s rough, ready, and some would admit, it’s the accent…

So is the accent that much of a stumbling block to his credibility as a hard man? Apparently not. He’s made as many Hollywood films as Brit-flicks, if not more. Only, he does seem to be cast as the evil mastermind quite a bit… GoldenEye’s Alec Trevelyn, The Island’s evil scientist/company director… He’s had his fair share of nasty characters. Maybe it’s the balance for playing Sharpe for so long on UK TV, and why his thick-as-Marmite accent sells everything from Morrisons' supermarkets to Royal Marines.

So if he’s the undisputed top voice totty on English TV, who else could rival him? Who else, from our own isles, could be rough, ready and buff enough to join his no-nonsense band of Royal Marine Commandos? Hmm… let us see…

Well, we have Mr Max Beesley, from Burnage. Nice. Can we have Ewan McGregor? He headbutts people, you know. And he’s from Crieff, which means I have to add that he’s from the only county that speaks proper Queen’s English.

I can’t think of any more just now. You’ll have to choose your own and send them in ~ answers on an e-postcard to me, care o this blog. Could be interesting!

Tags:
Sean Bean
Ewan McGregor
Royal Marines Commando