Monday 25 June 2007

Simm’s to be The End


To borrow from Jerry Maguire: you know when you’re not completely miserable yet, but you glimpse next week’s misery? That’s me right now.

We moved. How can you cover so many events and so much time and energy expended with just two words? ‘We moved’. Makes it sound so easy. Anyway, we’re all in our new flat and yay, it is fab. To celebrate the fact that we had accomplished all this within twelve hours of opening the new front door, we sat down quite late last night and watched ‘Doctor bloody Who’ episode twelve: ‘The Sound Of Drums’.

First thoughts? Bearing in mind this is probably the only time I’ve actually slept on an episode before writing one of these? Well, where do we start – John Simm is fab. He’s fabber than fab. He’s out-Doctor’d the Doctor – almost. It’s like they’ve swapped roles: the Doctor’s got his serious face on, and the Master’s just out to crack as many jokes and gags as possible, lampooning everyone and everything with red-Smartie’d enthusiasm. After all, if you’re going to destroy the world, you may as well have fun doing it, eh?

Best lines? [Upon seeing Jack and Martha:]Oh look, it’s the girlie and the freak. Although I’m not sure which one’s which…
The Doctor to Martha, shamelessly dancing on the divide between cruel tactlessness and teasing rudeness: ‘Oh, I know what it’s like! It’s like when you fancy someone and they don’t even know you exist. That’s what it’s like.’ (And then Jack’s look at Martha and the consequent: ‘You too, huh?’ Aww! Poor wee Jack! And Martha – how amazingly rude was that of the Doctor? Ok, Ten, you can stop pretending you don’t notice any more. She told you, remember? Back when you both agreed to pretend it was just a ploy to wake you up?
Prime Minister Saxon: ‘Thank you one and all, you ugly fat-faced bunch of wet snivvling traitors.’ Nice! I half expected him to call em all ‘nonces’ too – although I did nearly have heart failure when the ‘W’ of ‘wet’ came out – for some reason I thought he were going to say a completely different W word. But that’s not ‘Doctor bloody Who’.

The ‘opening of the door to check she’s still screaming’ had me in stitches, as did his ‘happy’s like THIS, and ‘not funny’s like THIS’ routine. Pure Morecambe and Wise gold. And then his ‘Britain, Britain, Britain’ when addressing the nation – oh how we laffed, wondering if Tom Baker were chuckling away at this at home. And jelly babies – Mr Saxon eating jelly babies! He’s offering the bag to ‘his wife’ (the one he found downt side of the sofa?), and I’ve just looked at me flatmate and went ‘those better not be -
Jelly baby?’ he asks.
We squeeeeeeeeeee’d.

And so to Things That Make You Go ‘Hmm?’:

Those perception devices, then. Made / grown fromt same material as the TARDIS, are they? Which has a knackered chameleon circuit and as such is physically unable to blend in any more. Hmm. Anyway, skip all that – why is it when you hold the device in yer hand, it dunt work, but when you put the (I’m guessing quite normal) chain around yer neck, suddenly it switches on? Ah, I see – it’s Time Lord Skience. And we Do. Not. Mess.

Did you clock that Martha’s telly were supplied by ‘Magpie Electricals’? So someone took it over after Mr Magpie was deadified by Maureen Lipman as The Wire in series two’s ‘The Idiot’s Lantern’ then? The son of the family, maybe? He was jolly handy wi those replacement valves…

But didn’t the Master take a bit of a risk, blasting Ten wi his laser screwdriver (‘Who uses sonic, anyway?’)? After all, he said he used Professor Lazarus’ work to do that. Is he sure he’s not about to produce some mutating, DNA-throwback Time Lord by accident? Really?

Did it seem that Ten took to the Master’s return really quite easily? ‘Oh, hi Doctor, I’m back from the dead, I’ve been resurrected to Make War but I ran fer it instead. How’ve you been then?’ And purr wee Ten just goes ‘Not so bad, yourself? Do us a favour, mate, stop all this warring nonsense and join my gang. We’re good people, and after all, we are the only two Gallifreyans left…’ For some reason I thought he’d be a little more gobsmacked. But then, when you’ve seen everything Doctors One – Ten’s seen, I suppose there int much left to surprise you. And, truth be told, if any Time Lord besides the Doctor were to survive, you can bet it’d be that one. Git.

And then Martha – ooh, she’s a rum’un. I’d watch her if I were you, Doctor… Young girlies wi studyin’ and common sense get angry and vengeful when you arrest, intimidate or otherwise upset her family. She’s already gone against so many pieces of advice and orders given by the tall Gallifreyan, and dunt even seem to see Captain Jack as the shiny shiny beacon of all that is gung-ho arse-kickery (which she should). I think the Master has a lot to fear there. You mark my words, she’s going to make sure he gets what’s coming to him – and we’re not talking about sneaking up behind him whistling ‘Bring Me Sunshine’.

And now to why I’ve been miserable for the last thirty-six hours since watching it: it’s looking like The End of Ten. This Doctor’s had a damn fine run – a damn fine run, but it looks like the next forty-five minutes of episode will be his swansong. Why do I think this? Martha’s been introduced to the concept of regeneration, courtesy of Jack’s quick exposition at the beginning of this episode. And just like the entire premise behind ‘Moonlighting’, now that the cat’s out of the bag and just about everyone in the universe knows that Martha’s got a thing for him it’s all about to get shaken up again. Like the plot of the best Cardassian plays, we already know who and when, we just need to confirm why and exactly how it’s done.

So there we are. I’m already in mourning for the End of Ten, and am not looking forward to next week for two reasons: we’ll have to say goodbye to the world’s favourite incarnation of the Doctor (or second favourite, after Tom Baker’s Four), and it’ll be the end of series three. Double bummer, as me American mate would say.

I know it’s entirely possible I’m wrong. I know this is all in me head. Possibly. But then there’s ‘possible’ and then there’s ‘likely’, as a wise man once said. Bruce Campbell, I think.

And damn this comms black-out! I’m using me Mac that’s sitting int empty bedroom of me old flat, wi no furniture of any kind and no electric save the air-con (thank Sean; it’s been 30 degrees C recently). The broadband man’s coming Thursday. Then I can safely relocate and catch up on all Tinternet shite I’ve been missing.

That’ll do then. I’ve got to go – I’ve got some miserying and being sad to do.

Oh, and Wallpapers Of The Week are here.

P.s. ~ PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WEEK! I AM AVOIDING ALL SPOILERAGE AND WILL HAPPILY GUT THE FIRST PERSON AS 'INADVERTANTLY' DROPS ANY HINTS OR CLUES! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

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Wednesday 20 June 2007

I need a TARDIS


Can’t stop, have to move flats, need to meet gas man, get gas switched back on, receive IKEA delivery, supervise IKEA men assembling delivered stuff, meet Man With A Van with remaindered furniture, get him to new address, get all said furniture in (in one piece), meet Now TV + broadband man, make sure all channels and Tinternet still work, get electric meter read, change address with everyone who knows me, get presents for birthdays missed in England, sort tickets and coaches fert holiday in four week’s time –

In between making sure I can get ‘Doctor bloody Who’ this Sunday and next. Cos that’s the most important thing about moving to a new flat – continuity…

There just aren’t enough hours int day when yer working.

Sunday 17 June 2007

Boxes and captains and watches, oh my!


Where do you start? Literally, where do you start? To say that last night’s ‘Doctor bloody Who’ was an epic of Roman Coliseum proportions would be calling the Roman Coliseum a seven-by-seven foot bedsit in Birmingham.

So many things to try to put into words. So few words with which to do it...

First off, we have Sir Derek Jacobi, sweet old granddad and maker of lovely lovely skience, who HEARS DRUMS IN HIS HEAD AND I’VE HEARD THAT RIFF BEFORE AND O MY DOG I KNOW WHO’S HIDING IN HIS HEAD –

Sorry. Hang on a tick, let me calm down. Right:

We have John Barrowman, shiny-shiny-grin-grin Captain Jack Harkness asking why he were abandoned in a ‘nobody like de smelly puppy’ kinda way – AND HE HAD THE HAND IN THE BACKPACK AND MARTHA DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS TEN’S AND

Sorry. I’ll take a deep breath. Right:

And we had more drums and HE HAD A POCKET WATCH AND NOW WE ALL KNOW WHO’S HIDING INSIDE AND MY HEAD’S GOING TO EXPLODE FROM EXCITEMENT COS NO-ONE ELSE IN ME HOUSE HAS CLOCKED IT AND IT’S THE MOST SQUEEEABLE MOMENT IN TV HISTORY

Sorry, again. Really. And then it all comes to pass, and purr wee Davey Doctor realises the awful awful truth about pretty much everything cos MARTHA’S CLOCKED THE WATCH AND KNOWS HE’S NOT THE LAST TIME LORD AND

I’m just not doing very well, am I? Deep breath… Deep breath…

Ok. And then we get A MASTER REGENERATION SEQUENCE AND HE TURNS INTO THE MOST EE-VIL CRAZY BASTARD IN THE UNIVERSE – JOHN BLOODY SIMM!

Ok, so we knew John Simm were coming. But I were having doubts about him actually becoming The Master. I mean, that old Face of Boe could have been selling porky pies ont quiet. And yet… and yet… What genius was that? You Are Not Alone = Professor YANA. Inspired! Genius! Stellar!

Russell T. Davies: you are monumental. Sir Derek Jacobi: you had me fooled. John Barrowman, you can have my phone number fer when yer man’s out working. John Simm: ‘Why don’t we stop and have a nice little chat where I tell you all my plans and you work out a way to stop me – I don’t think! End of the universe: have fun! Bye-bye!’ You are an acting god. Freema Agyeman: I want to be you when I grow up, and David Tennant: calm it mate, you’ll burst a blood vessel.

Does TV get any better than this? Does it? Does it? I like to think NO.

Can’t really put everything into words right now. Have to think. And watch it again. And prepare for the Oncoming Storm that will be… The Big Hyowj John Simm v the Tennster Bish-Bash-Bosheroo Showdown Two Part Season-ender.

I just don't want the last two episodes to come, really. No, really. Cos then it'll really be over. And that's just not fair. I cannot imagine a Saturday night without Ten and Martha. But then... but then... The Master! He's back! Gaaaaah! Can we wait till next week? Can we bloody hell as like!

Deep breath… Deep breath…

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Thursday 14 June 2007

Landladies, Oceans, Jacks and Scooby Doo


I’ll admit I’m a Browncoat / Bajoran freedom fighter / Ellen Ripley kinda person. I think.

So when me landlord announced on Tuesday that he’d be upping me rent by 20%, I told him he’d do no such thing. Wednesday were spent sourcing new premises, and this morning were spent going over fine print wi New Landlady, handing over deposits and generally sorting the whole damned thing out.

We move in 20th June.

So, apart from that hectic wee event, it’s mostly been business as usual this week. Had wee Jack, A.K.A. Serial Biter, in kindergarten. I suffered two mild gnashes on my arse before I told him really quite sternly than if he did it again, Captain Jack Sparrow would take him away on his big bad pirate ship and he’d never see his mam or Hong Kong again. (Have to add, I have a colour pic of said Captain on me whiteboard for just this eventuality. You’d be surprised how many kids it works on.)

End of lesson, we do the usual high-fiving and goodbyes, and normally I say summat like: “see you next week, thank you very much” and off they disappear, back whence they came. Hopefully not to bite their maids / mams / grandmas as they wend their ways home. This time however, wee Jack tells me that I should be thanking Captain Jack, not him. I ask him why, he dutifully tells me that Captain Jack saved my bottom from further injury, and we both agree that, quite literally, Captain Jack Sparrow has saved my arse. And I don’t get to say that very often.

Onto ‘Ocean’s 13’, then. I enjoyed it. Loved the George Clooney + Brad Pitt moments, and Matt Damon, and Andy Garcia, and Qin Shao Bo getting to be more than just the grease monkey. Much more than an apology for ‘Ocean’s 12’, it had me giggling pretty much all the way through, and I loved so many small pieces. And Brad Pitt kept eating. But not enough to steal the 2007 Brad Pitt Award Fer Eating Int Every Bastard Scene from David Tenninch Tennant, who still wins for ‘Blackpool’.

And that thing wi the cable car falling off from the Ngong Ping 360 attraction here in Hong Kong ~ does anyone else think it smacks of a Scooby Doo episode? Hmm, let’s see… Cable car plunges from a double safety-line arrangement at a tourist trap / attraction. It happens at a time when no-one is on the bloody thing, and lands in a conveniently empty spit of jungley land. Sabotage suspicions abound, especially as Ocean Park, the local version of Chessington’s, has been running their own cable cars for thirty years (this year), and had never had a single accident. Hmm… If I were the bods in charge of the investigation, I’d call the Mystery Machine crew and get em on the case right away. As Gene Hunt says, it’s always the first one to talk as did it…

That’s it then ~ a short one tonight. Much sorting of stuff and packing to do.

See you later, innovator…

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Sunday 10 June 2007

~ and you’ll miss it


You know some people have this thing about clowns (me included)? That they’re not really the fun, loveable rogues they appear to be, but are in fact masking an ugly, devious and downright ee-vil creature? Have you been to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not at Blackpool Tower? Madame Tussaud’s? All them rows an’ rows of wax figures, and you with that feeling that they’re actually about to move, any second? I hate statues, too. Always have. You just know they’re Up To No Good, in that shifty kinda way. And them bastards in blue paint in the public squares of Bath, Deansgate, London, Cardiff, Roma… in fact everywhere, pretending to be them arty students. Oh, they get all painted up in blue or silver, stand around and pretend to be statues, when in fact they’re just waiting for some bugger to stand too close. Then they move. They grab at a scarf, or a jacket, or an arm. And everyone jumps back, laffing and joking, tossing money in his hat and walking on.

I hate em. Cos they prey on a deep-seated fear – that fear that says you mustn’t get too close, you mustn’t touch, you mustn’t believe what yer eyes are telling you. Cos it’s a lie – and that thing is just pretending to be inanimate. One of me favourites scenes in film history has to be from ‘Army of Darkness’ (A.K.A. ‘Evil Dead 3’), when the old Deadite witch is lying ont floor. Everyone crowds round to check, but Ash, clever ol’ Ash, is not to be taken fert ride. “It’s a trick,” he announces, and then, elevating himself to Hero Without Peer, he states, “get an axe!”

And so to last night’s ‘Doctor bloody Who’, imaginatively entitled ‘Blink’. Right fromt outset, it delivered. The Doctor’s message ont wall ~ genius set painting and a wicked use of writing ‘in the style of’ a character’s conversation patterns (‘oh, and duck! No really, duck!’). I were laffing already – in between ignoring the feel of Imminent Creeping. The Weeping Angels crowding round the windows to see out, the whole creepy feeling that you know summat’s rotten in Denmark. Then we get the lovely Cathy Nightingale, and her brother Laurence. Yes, Laurence Nightingale. If that didn’t raise a few laffs in yer house as well as mine, I’d be surprised. And then – DVD Easter eggs saving everybody! Bloody marvellous! And then DI Billy Shipton (Michael Obiora, or the gay bloke from ‘Hotel Babylon’ to his friends), being lovely and really, really edible lovely. But woah woah woah ~ what’s this? Is he dissing the TARDIS? Because the outside phone dunt work and the windows are “the wrong size”? My TARDIS Defence Sense started tingling, have to admit. But hey, he weren’t to know, right?

And then we catch up wi two travellers stranded in time – the Doctor and Martha. Nice crack about the Moon landing(s), and the whole “they let you live to death” line. In fact, considering that the Doctor shows up fert shortest time since ‘Love and Monsters’ in series 2 (28), he manages to cram a bucket-load of excellent first-class logorrhoea in there (“This is my timey-wimey detector. Goes ‘ding’ when there’s stuff. Also, it can boil an egg at thirty paces. Whether you want it to or not, actually, so I’ve learnt to stay away from hens. It’s not pretty when they blow.”). And Martha wi her worldsly-wise “Trust me, just nod when he stops for breath.” Nice.

But the whole one-sided conversation ont DVD, when viewed again int proper setting, were just ace. Just blew me away. Just goes to show what I’ve always said: when yer in full possession of all the facts, things are so incredibly simple. Or should that be ‘DVDs are more fun than should be allowed’? Amazing how many times I get them two mixed up.

Oh, but can I just say, Scooby Doo didn’t have a house, he always seemed to be int Mystery Machine. But it’s nice that characters believe in inaccuracies – makes them human and realistic.

And Larry – oh, a man after me own heart: “the angels have the phone box – I’ve got that on a T-shirt”. But then the strobe-effect of the moving statues ~ yes, I did draw me feet off the floor PDQ, and yes, we did howl at the characters to just bloody well get the key int door. Bloody marvellous stuff! And then there’s that familiar, comforting sound o the TARDIS. And everything makes beautiful sense… Well, almost everything… But then we have TARDIS-tipping! Bloody excellent! Wait, didn’t someone already put that in a fan-fic? Oh right, that’ll be me then. Moving on –

And she did it to herself – she brought it all on herself. Or did she? Again, nice lines from the Doctor, and ooh, look at that: lovely large blue circles ont outside of DVD shop (named, appropriately enough considering what Cathy had said, ‘Sparrow and Nightingale’). I think I’ve seen that design before somewhere… Then the Doctor confirms what I’ve always thought about statues in general, and again we’re left wi another shiny, shiny example of brilliant Saturday night TV fromt Beeb.

Phew. It just keeps getting better and better, dunt it? It were such a good episode I forgot the Doctor and Martha weren’t in it fert pretty much first half. Just ace. And then we got ‘Doctor bloody Who Confidential’, from wee Davey himself. Very funny, very warm and tickly in that nostalgia kinda way. Loved ‘The Two Ronnies’ memories and suchlike. Gold.

Apart from that, it’s just: I saw ‘Pirates 3’ last week, and other than the monkey being shot out of a cannon, I can pretty much say ‘meh’. And moan about the sadly under-used and much-maligned Chow Yun-Fat. And then report that I have tickets to see ‘Ocean’s 13’ tomorrow night.

And that’s really it. Wallpapers of the Week are up at me sister-ship, and I’m left wi the rest of Sunday afternoon. Mate’s coming later wi series two of ‘Life On Mars’ so we can trawl through it again fert clues and such. And it is going to be… fantastic.

Peach and lube, people, peach and lube.

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Tuesday 5 June 2007

On retirement. And carrying on.


It is with appreciation and regret that we must say goodbye to a long-serving member of staff this week.
His dedication and staunchness of spirit has always been remarked upon and admired by his friends, colleagues and even the students I have taught. He has never been tardy, appeared wrinkled, or missed a single day at work. His patience and calm nature have always been relied upon and valued so highly by all of us at work, and I can honestly say I’ve never worked with a finer, shinier example of professionalism or motivation. He has been, without doubt, a shining beacon of experience and a perfect example of the proper way for things to be done.
He leaves us to retire, so it is only a brief, selfish regret that he will no longer be with us. I shall miss our shared moments of understanding and quiet reflection, and his ability to motivate me to better standards and more interactive teaching methods.
I have enjoyed working with him these past five years, as I know others have too. He shall be sorely missed, and I wish him all the best now that he has his much-deserved spare time.
I know he will find interesting and valuable ways to use it.
Ladies, gentlemen, and students, please be up-standing as I give you:
My commemorative Aaron Kwok Pepsi Live on Stage 2000/01 Concert Mug.


‘Scuse me while I wipe an eye. There, all done. Right then, onto what I’ve been up to, apart from having to break in a new tea mug at work, this past week. There were the irresistible pull of writing new ‘Doctor bloody Who’ fan-fic, which has been titled ‘Bad Jelly Babies’ and is available HERE. Again, rated K+ (for 9 year olds and above), it’s just a bit of fluff in the style of an episode. TARDIS-tipping, evil jelly babies and tea, involving Ten and Martha. Sorted.

Then there were the discovery of ‘Traffic Warden’, a ten minute film of no dialogue, starring Morwenna Banks, Sophie Hunter, and that tall lanky Scots git from ‘Doctor bloody Who’ (insert large knowing grin here). Apparently ran at the Edinburgh Film Festival in 2004, but not released due to the length. Which, funnily enough, is ten… inches minutes. SORRY! Had to be done, didn’t it? How could I have NOT shoe-horned that old joke in there? You would have thought less of me if I hadn’t, wouldn’t you! Suffice to say, I thought it were ace – loved the fish. It did remind me somewhat of the opening titles of the old Channel 4 programme ‘Teachers’, and I were expecting The Donkey to wander about int background. Bloody great short film, though. Watch it.

Then there was this, spotted at Toys R Us in Tai Koo Shing recently ~ Optimash Prime! Seriously! Don’t ask what I were doing in Toys R Us. Actually, for yer information, I were on a hunt fer new board games fer work, alright? That’s me story and I’m sticking to it…

That’s it, all done and dusted. Life will return to normal, I shall not write more fan-fic and shall remain firmly OUT of the Whooniverse till Saturday. When we get some creepy-dodgy runny-scarey episode (we like!) and then apparently wee Davey is doing his own ‘Doctor bloody Who Confidential’ short straight after it. Looks good!

Peach and lube, people. Lots and lots of lube…

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Sunday 3 June 2007

My Family Of Blood and Other Animals




He never raised his voice. That was the worst thing. The fury of the Time Lord. And then we discovered why, why this Doctor, who’d fought with gods and demons, why he’d run away from us and hidden. He was being kind.




That’s all I want to be, John Smith. With his life, and his job – and his love. Why can’t I be John Smith? Isn’t he a good man? Why can’t I stay?


As you get older, you realise a few things: 1. You will never be that person you thought you would. 2. You’ll never actually keep in touch with everyone you said you would. 3. You’ll start to be more sensitive of the things you always took to be silly, or sentimental, or previously reserved for that domain labelled ‘other people’s views’. And perhaps the most important to me this day would be: 4. Humanity is found in the tiniest of events.

It’s Sunday afternoon over here, and we’ve just sat through the latest ‘Doctor bloody Who’ episode, ‘Family Of Blood’. And right now I’m wondering if it’s me that’s changed, or that TV’s got better. Or a bit of both.

It was a damn fine episode, a damn fine episode. How fab was Martha? What kind of hero is she for staring down aliens with guns, prepared – and lest we forget, firing off warning shots – to save her Doctor when he doesn’t even know who he is? For putting up with all his “I’m not the Doctor” moments, for not giving up, for not taking any shit off some nurse who tries to tell her that black women can’t be doctors themselves? For trying to look out for everybody? For being balls-out bloody fab? For just being Martha?

Poor Matron. She were a trooper an’ all, of course. Is that why John Smith loved her? Because she had a touch of the ol’ Companion Material about her? We’ll never know. And perhaps it’s better that way.

Baines – oh, was he ever a bad, bad monkey. What an excellent psycho, a freaky villain, a baddie of James Bond proportions! ‘Super, super fun!’ Loved it! And he knows how to use that jaw of his. What a profile. What a character…

Wee Latimer. What a star! What a lil urchin bundle of Knowing and Waiting! Loved it! Although me heart nearly stopped when the war flashback became a ‘now’ segment.

Purr wee Davey John Smith, finding out he has to do the honourable thing after all, despite everything he might want or care for. He raised some good points, although I did suddenly think that, for such a nice, ordinary bloke, he could be a little selfish at times. Just because he didn’t think this Doctor was much cop, did it give him the right to refuse his return? “A man who doesn’t plan for love? A life without love?” he says, “That’s terrible!” ~ and suddenly I have Christian and Satine’s argument running through my head ~ but that’s the Doctor alright. And who says he’s without love anyway? Lest we forget Jo, Leela, Tegan? Perri, Romana, Sarah Jane? Jamie, Ace, Rose? So we’re back to the old, old argument that’s been going these forty years ~ does he ever really need to ‘fall in love’, or has he already done that – with his life, his quest, his TARDIS?

Where was I. Oh, yeah, the episode, and Being Older. (And is it me, or does that wee girl wi the balloon remind anyone else of the Test Card girl from Life On Mars?) I nearly blubbed a few times. Now, back in the day, I would never have blubbed at a ‘Doctor bloody Who’ episode. Hidden behind the sofa, yes. Shouted with glee and jumped up and down on said sofa, most definitely. But never blubbed (well, alright, maybe I had summat in me eye at the end of Perri). And so here I am, older but not necessarily wiser, surprised and oddly pleased that I nearly did. I think it’s a good thing. I think.

Anyway, hope you’ve enjoyed the screencaps here. Hope they show up alright on your ‘pooter, I don’t trust any browser to show ‘em right. Well, except Safari, of course…

Peach and lube, people. ‘Tis a beautiful Sunday afternoon.


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