Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise… surprise and fear… fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise… and ruthless efficiency…. Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency… and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope…. Our four… no… Amongst our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry… are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again...”

No, yer alright, no relation, were just asked fer Bert and Ernie, so there we are. Aw, cottons, eh?

So I’ll say ‘have a smooth Chung Yeung Festival’ (it’s the 9th day of the 9th lunar month today) and Happy Hallowe’en fer tomorrow. Oddly enough, on this day 68 years ago, was the radio broadcast of ‘War Of The Worlds’ that scared a nation shitless. Some things never change.

Anyway, got this from lady_trevelyan and had a bash. So here we are, the ‘100 Question Meme’:


1.ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
A Golden Retriever at work went psycho and tried to kill me. He were put down, I were pried off kennel wall, and now I have a near-invisible puncture mark in my palm, courtesy of the RSPCA.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Paint. 4 film posters (damn you, Remington Steele!).

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
Looks exactly like a Samsung D508.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Loud and home-orientated, mostly. Milburn, Oasis, Arctic Monkeys, the Fratellis, some Gorillaz, Liam Frost, Little Man Tate…

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Wasn’t paying sufficient attention at the time.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
A work visa.

7. WHO DO YOU MISS?
Everyone. I’m actually very good at not banging into people.

8.WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Elizabeth.

9. THE BEST TV SHOW EVER CREATED:
That would take more time to work out than we have.

10. THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?
Friend as came round last night to perv at Sharpe ~ erm I mean watch a DVD. Ahem.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
No.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
My wee sister (inadvertently).

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Hugo Boss for birds.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOUR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Jet black or bright blonde hair for best effect. Blue or green eyes. That’s if I’m lucky enough to choose.

15. WOULD YOU RATHER BE SMART OR FUNNY?
Yes.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Coke: nothing like a bit of Phenylalanine to wake you up!

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE PIZZA TOPPING?
My mouth.

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
You mean “could”? Er… Booby buns. Definitely.

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
A student.

20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Cantonese. Could probably fake it in Mandarin if I really had to.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU?
Have to go with lady_trevelyn’s answer here: My life.

22. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
Many, ta.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
Have a laff!

24. FAVOURITE CLOTHING BRAND?
None.

25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?
Aston Martin DB5.

26. WHAT COLOUR IS IT?
Silver.

27. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE KIND OF EXERCISE?
Sleeping.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Don’t know. Never been in love.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Say “you mean so much to me”.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
42

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Sometimes.

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
‘7’. Everyone I know has ‘7’ in their phone number. It’s bizarre.

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
American spelling. No wait, bad grammar. Or both.

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.S.?
For my entire life save 2 weeks’ holiday in Glendale, California.

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Arms. Can never say no to a bloke wi’ nice arms…

36. Tater tots or fries?
What are they?

37. FIRST JOB?
Actually no, I’ve had many.

38. EVER PRANK CALLED SOMEONE?
No.

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS?
(You mean “filled this in”?) Reading lady_trevelyn’s answers.

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I would let the plastic be whatever it wanted.

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
Writer’s block. Hoping it’d help.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
“Oh, you speak Cantonese! You’re so clever!” Yeah, right.

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Lock meself in me flat for a three-week bender.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
To be 2 stone lighter, LOL

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
None.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes, everyone born before me.

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
Maybe once. I was young.

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVOURITE?
I’m not into favouritism of digits.

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
Couple o’ weeks ago.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
Eh? Er… roast duck?

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Millions. Worst: correcting other people’s grammar as they speak.

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
Now yer asking… Er… ‘The Big Easy’ soundtrack? ‘Labyrinth’ soundtrack? Tony Leung’s ‘Best Of’?

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No.

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
No.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Bloody hell yes.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
Loudly, using all the invectives and curses known to woman.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
England.

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
No.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TOY AS A CHILD?
A spinning top. It hummed!

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
There are no numbers in “your cell phone”: they’re all letters.

62. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Not at all.

63. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?
I know lots o’ famous people. They just don’t know me.

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
I have no clue: what is it?

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
I don’t, unless he’s swallowed me car keys.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Sooz, K.K., Monkey, Dude.

67. HOW MANY PAIRS OF SHOES DO YOU HAVE?
Four (slippers, Adidas Dakotas, FM-boots and posh “dancing” shoes).

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
If they have laces.

69. WERE YOU UPSET ABOUT STEVE IRWIN DYING?
Not really. Didn’t know the bloke.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR?
Sesame seed.

71. ARE YOU LAZY?
Epitome, mate.

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE COLOURS?
Blue. ‘Favourite’ means one.

73. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE BAND?
Milburn. No, the Fratellis. No, Milburn. No, Arctic Monkeys. Don’t know.

74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
None, thank all the major and minor deities. Had them all ripped out in very expensive, prolonged and gibbering-wreck-inducing operations.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Naw, would take too long to read.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Liam Frost and the Slowdown Family: Show Me How the Spectres Dance.

77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Fried egg sandwich wi’ a bit of bacon and HP sauce.

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Our Dave. Of course.

79. WHAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
That they’re of the opposite sex.

80. FAVOURITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG:
“Whistle For the Choir” by the Fratellis.

81. FAVOURITE THING TO HATE:
Bond villains. Cos I never do.

82. FAVOURITE DRINK:
Begins with V, ends in KA, and has OD in the middle.

83. FAVOURITE ZODIAC SIGN:
Can you have a favourite? Er… Mine, Dragon. Cos dragons are cool.

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT?
Sleeping against the noise of the outside world.

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOUR?
‘Ash’ brown. According to the blokey at Toni & Guy.

86. EYE COLOUR?
No I am not! And you shouldn't be either! Don’t cull ‘aye’s! Everyone should just get used to other people saying it!

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
Fer reading and Mac-ing.

88. SIBLINGS?
Yes, ta.

89. FAVOURITE MONTH(s)
September.

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
If it has crab roe.

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
A man pushing a flyer in me postbox.

92. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Mid-Autumn Festival.

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
I’m all mouth and no trousers, me.

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
What’s one without the other?

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
Yes.

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE-NIGHT STANDS?
Any way I can get ‘em.

97. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Similarly bored people.

98. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
People as don’t read ‘em.

99. Where's ..99?
In me ice-cream, if it knows what’s good for it.

100. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
If he is, I’m probably never going to meet him. I’m not lucky that way.

Crikey blimey Charlie, that's a post an a half, then. I'm off to drink tea till me hang-over exits stage left. Morning, afternoon and soopytwist. Quietly...

Tags:
Bert and Ernie ~ Monty Python ~ War of the Worlds ~ RSPCA ~ Remington Steele ~ Samsung ~ Sharpe ~ Phenylalanine ~ Cantonese ~ Mandarin ~ Aston Martin ~ plastic surgery ~ alcohol ~ handwriting ~ Adidas ~ ice-cream ~ The Fratellis ~ Milburn ~ Oasis ~ Arctic Monkeys ~ James Bond ~ dragon ~ sushi ~ Chung Yeung Festival ~ LJ

Girlie prawn!

This post is especially for Our Dave, who SMS’d me to say this site “needs more girlie prawn”. Right then, here we are:



Yeah, yeah, I know what yer thinking ~ that last one were of prawn dumplings… My apologies. Anyway, what I think he meant were girlie porn! So here we go, in the form of my updated list of lads as could join my fantasy corps of Royal Marines Commandos…. (cue the old "do yow 'ave the strength o' mind to bicoom a Royal Marines Commandoh...")

Left to right:

Sean Bean, Max Beesley, Ewan McGregor, Clive Owen, Christian Bale, Jason Isaacs, Robert Carlyle, Daniel Craig, Karl Urban, Hugh Jackman, Philip Glenister, Gerard Butler, Pierce Brosnan and Sean Pertwee…


If I’ve left anyone out, please let me know… Remember: they must be from the Commonwealth or the UK. And I’m looking fer actors, not their characters…

And no, I’m not worried about Daniel Craig being the new Bond ~ I’ll watch it first (December 21st, in Hong Kong) and then pass comment. Ok? And why get all upset about it anyway ~ as Slartibartfast once said: “Perhaps I’m old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what’s actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, ‘Hang the sense of it,’ and keep yourself busy. I’d much rather be happy than right any day.” I’m with him. I’m not really bothered about anything right now.

That’s pretty much it ~ peach and lube. Lots and lots of lube… *wink wink*

Tags:
prawns ~ porn ~ RMC ~ Sean Porn ~ Sean Bean ~ Max Beesley ~ Ewan McGregor ~ Clive Owen ~ Christian Bale ~ Jason Isaacs ~ Robert Carlyle ~ Daniel Craig ~ Bond ~ Hugh Jackman ~ Karl Urban ~ Philip Glenister ~ Gerard Butler ~ Pierce Brosnan ~ Sean Pertwee ~ Slartibartfast ~ Douglas Adams

Oasis and a bunch of bitches

Here’s another “students say the damndest things” segment:

Me: What do you find along the coastline?
Student: A bunch of bitches?
[cue about ten minutes of me roaring wi laffter like a girl possessed]
Me: Beaches, mate, beaches…

Me: Right, today: simple past tense. Go?
Student: Went.
Me: Thank you. Have?
Student: Had.
Me: Thank you. Do?
Student: Doed.
Me: Excuse me? Dude?
Student: No, no, no… doed. Like, turned, learned, you know… doed.
Me: Ah. Sorry mate, it’s ‘did’.
Student: If you say so. I like ‘doed’ better.
Me: So do I, actually.

Me: Right, today: negatives. For example: I am, I am not. Now then, who can tell me the negative of ‘I have’?
Student: I haven’t.
Me: Good, thank you. What’s the negative of ‘I do’?
Student: I don’t.
Me: Thank you, well done! What about ‘I go’?
Student: I goesn’t.
Me: That’s a fab word, son, I wish it was correct…

Eeeee, eh? Also called a student a “chabble scrampion” yesterday. I needed coffee, alright? Anyway, saw this about Oasis re-making the video fer The Masterplan to put on their Stop The Clocks boxed set thing, and thought it all very exciting (have always loved them matchstick men and matchstick cats and dogs). Oh, but MSN are fascists. If yer using Mac and want to click the link to see the Lowry-esque video, forget it. It tells you (and I quote): To use this product, you need to install free software ~ This product requires Microsoft© Internet Explorer 6, Microsoft© Media Player 10, and Macromedia Flash 6. To download these free software applications, click the links below and follow the on-screen instructions.

How about you shoving them pieces of pathetic excuses fer software up yer arse? I don’t need em, seeing as how I have a perfectly USEFUL and STABLE browser called Safari, and already have VLC and a host of other media players, oh and Flash 6 already. Why can’t they just share? Oh, I forgot their name, yes… Well, there’s only one thing to say to them, now isn’t there?

Thy mother wears armour, thou whoreson hedge-born bum-bailey!

Got to love Shakespeare...

Just waitin fert Blades v Toffees match to start in about ninety minutes (the FCUM match will most definitely NOT be offered on live text, so have to fill me match-slot somehow). Only, cos I’m outside o Blighty, I can’t entice any webpage or online radio to play the match live for me. So I have to make do wi the “live” text page. Only has a ten minute lag, so I suppose I should just put up and shut up. I could get off me arse and go to the pub, but don’t feel like surfing the crowds o football-shirted wankers hanging round the usual poncy bars an’ brothels ~ sorry, sports bars ~ just to try and get a seat fifty yards fromt screen. I’ll just sit here, playing Definitely Maybe loud enough for me upstairs neighbours to sing along to, making a dent in a bottle of vodka and a fresh packet of cigarettes. Much more ladylike, bwa-ha-ha-haaaaaaa…

And I’ve changed me mind: the best track ont new Aaron Kwok album (“My Nation”) is actually “Love’s Magic” (愛。魔力) ~ translation coming to me page soon. Also got a copy of Liam Frost and the Slowdown Family’s “Show Me How the Spectres Dance”,, so that’ll be in me DVD player / sound system thing (“Sean”) fer about a week, an’ all. Bloody marvellous.

Peach and lube!

Tags:
teaching ~ Hong Kong ~ Chinglish ~ Oasis ~ The Masterplan ~ Stop The Clocks ~ MSN ~ Safari ~ Mac ~ Sheffield Utd ~ Blades ~ Everton ~ Definitely Maybe ~ Aaron Kwok ~ My Nation ~ Liam Frost ~ Shakespeare

Take That, Infernal Affairs audiobooks!

I know, I know, I haven’t posted on here fer about a year. Or a week. Same-same, feels like. It’s been a non-stop party week of pubs, clubs and hi-jinks. Actually? No. Just been writing student reports, going out fer a swift half that turns into a half-keg, an’ then winding me way home to find I’ve left meself six hours’ sleeping time. Not clever.

Anyway, where shall we start, eh? How about Mr Andy Lau (A.K.A. Inspector Ming from “Infernal Affairs”, currently being reprised by Matt Damon in “The Departed”) talking about “The Departed”? Ok then, here we go:

Would [Andy] Lau go watch “The Departed?” He said that he was planning to, and that he likes Scorsese. In “Infernal Affairs” Lau portrayed the organized crime mole in the police force with steely charm. The unexpected success of the first “Infernal Affairs” film in 2002 is often credited as a turning point for the Hong Kong industry. What does he think of Hollywood remaking the movie? Lau said: “There are lots of remakes of Asian films, but they’re not as good as the original. Maybe the box office is very good, but I don’t think that it can be the classic."

Need I say more? No. Shan’t. Fucked off wi the whole IA / Departed thing now.

Onto brighter things ~ kinda. Not sure what to make o this little nugget. Take That? A new album? Of new material? Hmm. Trouble is, being a right nosy wench, I went and found a snippet ont ‘Net. And I have to say, that ‘Patience’ track dunt seem too bad. And I swear, that’s the highest praise them lads will get outta me. I notice, as every other bugger int universe, that Robbie is not so much as lifting a finger in their direction. Interesting. A serious artiste, now are we Robbie? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Before I accuse him of being too far up his own arse, I should remember that perhaps he is an artiste. After all, he’s been doing concerts in the US etc, and he’s even coming over here to Hong Kong next month ~ one night, but apparently sold out. And that’s not bad, considering the price of an international artist’s show ticket is roughly four times that of a local artist. Prices were quoted at over HK$1,000. With an exchange rate hovering about HK$1 = 15 UK pounds (sorry, no pound sign on this keyboard), that’s not funny. I paid that much for four nights of Aaron Kwok. Ah. Perhaps I should re-phrase that. I meant four nights at the Aaron Kwok concerts. *insert smug grin here*

That just leaves audiobooks. Me big sister is a fucking star ~ she just sent me this from Blighty. Oooooh. Going to enjoy listening to that as I’m trying to sleep at night. So much excitement in such a small box should be outlawed. Three hours of nowt but his voice? Blatant Sean Porn, I’m telling you.

Got me copy of “Well Well Well” by Milburn from HMV in Blighty this morning, and apart from them having changed the lyrics (a bit) to “Lipstick Lickin’” (fucking fabbest track this year), it’s all fabber than a very fab thing. Also dug out me old copy of “Definitely Maybe”. We all know who did that one. Suffice to say, I’m falling in love wi “Cigarettes and Alcohol” all over again. Class. Oh, and Aaron Kwok’s new album “My Nation” came out today, so got a copy o’ that in, an’ all. Sorted. Got to say, I’m made-up with “Dance” (“跳”) right now. It’s bloody marvellous.

Went out and saw “The Devil Wears Prada” last night. We were actually aiming fer “Volver” but the rest o HK beat us to it, and we had to make do wi two seats int second row from screen next door. Ah well. Pretty funny film though, and Meryl Streep was of course nowt short o brilliant. Worth the HK$45 I spent getting in, I’d say.

That’s it, I’m off. No wait, I always smell like this, arf arf.

Soopytwist.

Tags:
Infernal Affairs ~ The Departed ~ Andy Lau ~ Martin Scorsese ~ Hong Kong ~ Take That ~ Robbie Williams ~ Aaron Kwok ~ Milburn ~ Oasis ~ Definitely Maybe ~ HMV ~ Meryl Streep ~ The Devil Wears Prada ~ audiobook ~ Sharpe’s Devil ~ Sean Bean ~ Sean Porn

Just a quickie

Caption that:

... He had missed three times, but that wouldn't stop the sniper from trying again. However, all Sir Sean of Bean could say was:



"I boogie round danger like a solid gold dancer..."

Sorry. Don't phone in, it's just a bit of fun.... Tis the vodka talkin'...

Tags:
Sean Bean ~ Sean Porn

Mid-Autumn Festival + other shite

Lots to mention so here we go:

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival (中秋節快樂!) ~ ta to the Vixter, got me copy of “Costello Music” by The Fratellis this morning (and can now wipe them downloaded mp3s from me iPod Shuffle) ~ had a lad in HMV count out me change Peter Kay-style (“there’s 20, 40, 60, 80 and 100 dollars, missy, ok?”) and near wet meself ~ “The Departed” opened here yesterday (cinemas change ont Thursday round here) but as far as I’m concerned it can still fuck a long way off (and I think I’ll even sit and watch “Infernal Affairs” tonight on me special edition DVD) ~ yeah, that’s an FC Utd of Manchester home shirt in the previous entry ~ waiting fer “The Prestige” so I can watch Christian Bale doing his “oi, wotcha mayt” Cockney accent, and of course Hugh Jackman (“I’d huge HIS ackman!”) but it dunt open till October 26th over here ~ also waiting fer “After This, Our Exile” (“父子”) wi the lovely Aaron Kwok giving us a (hopefully) HK Film Award-Winning performance as a cheatin, thievin, lyin toe-rag of a husband ~ still haven’t written all them student reports that were due October 1st ~ have nearly managed to clear the backlog of empties from me kitchen after some pissed buggers staggered into me flat and had a week-long party (can’t imagine who that mighta been, eh) ~ am half-way through the fourth season of “Remington Steele” on DVD and spotted Mr Steele’s use of the word ‘copacetic’ ~ managed to watch the pilot fer the American Fox TV show “Faceless”, wi the always-lovely Paul Michael Glaser (minus the Christmas sweaters) and of course, Sir Sean of Bean being cruel as an A-Level essay and, er… American (hey, I can forgive a lot fer an arse like his – just say the words “Sean Bean” and “Gratuitous Butt Shot” in the same sentence and I’m there) ~ still keep meaning to start reading “Sharpe’s Battle” but just have not found the time yet… or even finished “Deathnote Volume 1” ~ have regained ATV on me TV (don’t know why it fucked off like that, but the signal’s just reappeared as if nowt happened) ~ have thrilled at the surprisingly GOOD “Casino Royale” trailer, and actually can’t wait to see it now ~ and, er… I think that’s it…

Phew. Right then. Off fer a vodka straight from’t fridge, and a nice relaxing episode of “Remington Steele”.

Soopytwist ~

Tags:
Mid-Autumn Festival ~ Hong Kong ~ The Fratellis ~ Costello Music ~ iPod ~ HMV ~ Peter Kay ~ The Departed ~ Infernal Affairs ~ FCUM ~ The Prestige ~ Christian Bale ~ Hugh Jackman ~ After This Our Exile ~ Aaron Kwok ~ Remington Steele ~ Faceless ~ Paul Michael Glaser ~ Sharpe ~ Deathnote ~ Casino Royale

Aye, not so bad

A little space, a little time
See what it can do.
A little faith, peace of mind
See what passes through
The sun will shine on you again
A bell will ring inside your head
And all will be brand new…


Tags:
FCUM ~ Oasis ~ football ~ Manchester