Missing Peter Sellers

Steve Martin is a twat. I can't watch a film he's in cos he ruins it. I know millions of people all over 't world (or just America?) love to see him pratting about and taking 't piss, but really, what a wanker. I just don't find the sad, pathetic arsehole funny ~ and now I'm proper fucked off wi him an all.

Maybe it's me ~ maybe I look down on Mr Bean (yes, I know it ent Steve Martin, but it's another example) and similar low-intelligence arsing about. And I know the one about it being harder than it looks, and even the one about needing to be very clever to get it right. Fuck that ~ I don't care. I couldn't give two shits if Steve Martin had the IQ of a rocket scientist, he's still a wanker of major proportions and he ent funny neither. End of story.

So what's he done to piss me off? Re-made a Pink Panther film. Yes, the fucking twat has re-made a Pink Panther film. I know I'm behind the times and this film has probably already done 't rounds in every country around 't world, but in Hong Kong it opens sometime soon. Cue lots o TV ads and bus stop posters, not to mention the trailer seemingly stuck ont loop ont Now Broadband's "coming attractions" channel. Makes me want to boot the TV in. I stood at bus stop today, and seriously considered setting fire t' poster within.

Strangely enough, I don't mind Jim Carey (better vehicles, perhaps?) and laffed me arse off at "Bruce Almighty". The difference? Jim Carey, I suppose. Whether I like him personally or think that he, too, is a bit of a wanker, he has better films and ~ this is the important bit ~ is naturally funny. I started off hating the lanky get, but he won me over wi stuff like "Liar Liar".

I'm fucked off cos I like Peter Sellers, and still consider him to be a comedy genius. Apparently he didn't enjoy making 't original Pink Panther films, thinking them low-intelligence fare for the ignorant masses, but he did them anyway. But he made them funny, useful, and even I watched them and cracked a few smiles, much against my religion. Steve Martin re-making one is just WRONG. (Cos you know what's coming next, right? If they so much as break even, you just know they're going to do another one.) What is it wi Hollywood and re-making films anyway? Write some fucking new material, you creatively-challenged bunch o cunts. Try thinking of a new idea, instead o just rehashing something made twenty or thirty years ago. It's pathetic and mindless, as is Hollywood's intention to re-make the modern Hong Kong classic, "Infernal Affairs". Leave it alone, you fuckwits. What you fail to realize is that in Hong Kong it has meaning and relevance. You can't just script it in Los Angeles or New York and perform it in English ~ it becomes a cliché, yet another fucking mafia (triad) film. And everyone already knows the ending, you parochial xenophobic twats, so there goes your "shocking conclusion". Try watching the original again ~ it dunt need to be changed in any way. Yes, it comes with subtitles ~ GET OVER IT ~ and fucking see it for what it is.

And I'm sorry, but Leonardo Di Craprio? Excuse me? Has everyone lost their fucking minds here? Do I really want some pigeon-chested, pasty-faced bastard ladyboy pretending to be either the triad or the copper? Do I fuck! Who gives a shit what happens to Leo Di Craprio anyway (unless it involves concrete overcoats and deep water)? No, I didn't see The Aviator, and I don't fucking plan to, neither. He can get to fuck and like it. He's another twat on my hitlist.

So, getting back to that wanker Steve Martin. I'm thinking of inventive ways he could die. It'd have to include lots o suffering first ~ he's already inflicted enough ont world. Suggestions on a postcard, or even better, just in the comments section.

Peach and lube to you all. Except Steve Martin.

Tags:
Steve Martin ~ Peter Sellers ~ Pink Panther ~ Jim Carey ~ Bruce Almighty ~ Infernal Affairs ~ Leonardo Di Caprio ~ The Aviator ~ triads ~ comedy ~ Hollywood

Proper Bored

So it's Saturday night ~ an I'm sat here writing this shite. Why am I not out somewhere enjoying myself? Cos I'm completely brassic, even though I've just been paid. Summat's not right here.

Weather's a bit dreicht (trying to spit wi humidity, windy an only 20 degrees C an all) and even though there's nowt but crap ont telly, I'm sure to find summat later ont cable. Best movies don't start till after midnight, eh. Just have to wait. An everyone who I'd be watching telly wi (or DVDs, come to that) have skipped country, so I'm here on me puff typing this. Maybe I should give it up as a bad job and find some lovely pic to put here instead. Right then.

Fucking lovely shot is that, by the way. I might even pay for a wee ride o that. Other news: found some good links: THIS is an absolutely fucking ace site bout taking piss out 't Arctic Monkeys ~ now that's a biscuit fer dippin'! I do love The Monkeys but I'm all fer't taking piss too. Bloody Nora, vodka's kickin in now…

On completely different subject, I were talking bout Xena a while back, and thought o lookin at some shite bout her and her world. Came across THIS and got to thinking it were good stuff. Maybe more shows should put men where they belong ~ i.e., as second-rate guest stars an always, eh. Would make me feel better anyroad.

I'm struggling 'gainst vodka now, boys. Just time to say hello to all my mates that are now wonder why I'm typin this wi such a strong Manc flavour… Cos it comes out when you add vodka, fuckwit. Oh, and yooz in the Manchester area (England the noo, not your fucking American "copied names" shite) oughta listen to the new station, XFM, cos it actually has like real Mancs doing the presenting. Nice to hear friendly voice, eh.

Tags:
Ewan McGregor ~ Arctic Monkeys ~ Xena ~ radio

God sold me a bag…

…well alright, it wont really God, but G.O.D., so I guess I lied a little. What's the difference between "a god" and "God"? I'm reliably informed that God is "the supreme being", whereas a deity is just that ~ a deity. Sorry, getting off topic here. Suffice to say, G.O.D. in Causeway Bay (behind the Lee Theatre building-thing) is having a sale, so I went in. Turns out the sale only applies to t-shirts, but that didn't stop me from buying a "letterbox" bag. It's fab.

Speaking of fab attire, I have to apologize to a girl I shouted at ont tram today. She were wearing an Evil Dead t-shirt, and me being a bit of a fan myself, called out "ey! Workshed!" This made half the tram turn round and stare at me. She turned round, caught sight o me grinning at her like a lunatic and called back "Groovy!" We both laffed and then I had to run off 't tram, otherwise I might have stopped and actually asked her where she'd bought it. It looked real, and she seemed to be a tourist alright. Made me smile fer't rest o day, that did. How bizarre is that, seeing someone not only wearing 't t-shirt but having seen it too? I mean, sometimes you see people wearing film t-shirts but they haven't seen it. Guess she were big fan too then.

Talking o fans… FC United o Manchester (FCUM) have got back onto storming form: Punk Football has, as usual, all the coverage. A cracking site and a cracking match! And nice to see no-one's changing shirts next season… Staying wi the North, me and a mate sat and thoroughly enjoyed an episode of Sharpe last night. Now stop laffing! It were funny, it were melodrama at it's best, and it had the ever rough and ready Sean Bean as the less-o-your-shit-lad (all in his tough-as-nails Sheffield accent) man in charge. Highlights include:





… and several other rather, er, colourful bits of dialogue ~ as far as Carlton TV could take it back in them days before 9pm.

I did notice that as he got more and more fucked off he started using "buggering 'ell" a lot more often… I think I might start using this (explosion) thing too. It's a fucking excellent all-round expletive! Imagine the fun I could be having wi this little word, all over Hong Kong... Perhaps if enough people heard me, and the context it were used in, they might come to take it as a swear word, and then eventually it may even find its way into the OED.
"(Explosion) great!"

Tags:
God ~ Bruce Campbell ~ Evil Dead ~ FC Utd of Manchester ~ Sean Bean ~ Sharpe

Why am I being punished?

Right: once, I can put down to coincidence, but three times? Come on, someone's having a fucking laff! I was asked to work my day off. I thought, yeah, might as well, nowt else to do that can't wait till Sunday. So I agreed. Two nights before I'm due to work my day off, my water heater dies. (This is a long story, saved for a time when I'm calmer and more able to type wi'owt shaking wi rage.) Cut a long story short, the only time the engineer can come and put in a brand spanking new one, is today (my day off) at 6.30pm. But I wouldn't finish work till 7pm, then it takes me an hour to get home. Riiiiiiiight.

I call my boss, she's in a meeting. I've just got to have the last lesson off, I've just got to get back and let this guy into my flat so that he can rip old one out and put a nice new one in (free to me, of course ~ that's why the landlord's involved). I'm waiting on the call from my boss where she makes me squirm and I say I've got no choice. I'm now thinking, "typical, on my day off anyway, and then I agreed to work. Bummer, eh,"

Then I get a call from the a colleague in the fan club. "You're off today, right? Any plans? Could you give us a hand wi this ~" GRRRRRR! I would love to go and help, they're all lovely people and it's fun, to be honest. But I'm working today! "Sorry ~ would really love to, but…" Dunt that sound like a pile o shite? Dunt it sound like I can't be arsed so I'm thinking up excuses? I'm an atheist, but goddamn it! This ent fair! So now I'm thinking, "bloody hell, wish I'd never agreed to work!"

Then I remember I'm supposed to be watching DVDs wi a friend this evening. One I brought over especially from the UK. And if we can't make tonight, it'll have to be next week sometime ~ again. We've already had to re-schedule about six times. All I want is a day that goes right! Bloody hell!

So I've decided, that's the last time I agree to do overtime. It just causes too much hassle. If I could I'd just not work today at all, but it has to be done, I can't let em down. Fucking fuck-fuck. Why can't it be easy? Well next time it will be ~ cos I won't be working, that's fer damned sure!

So to cheer me up, today's pic is one of my favourites.

Tags:
Aaron Kwok

UPDATE:
You won't believe this ~ I've got the last lesson off, but now the engineer can't get the parts till Sunday. Typical! At least I can still watch DVDs…

Once you had em, it's easier to get em back…

Now that I have my broadband TV working, I'm seeing at the things I thought I didn't need. I have the HBO film channel for free (sign-up offer) so I'm finding there are loads o classics I can watch of an evening. For example, today being Sunday, and waiting fer't water heater engineer, I found myself watching Innerspace, followed by Spider-Man 2. Granted, the latter ent a classic (yet), but it had me in stitches to watch Sam Raimi making a huge movie like that wi a very Evil Dead type style. Had me giggling, stuff like seeing Sam's car parked in Aunt May's driveway, or the swift camera cutting, or even on the odd occasion, the familiar use of lack of noise ~ but especially seeing the doctor wi the chainsaw. Absolutely fucking great.

But Innerspace. Everyone's seen it, right? It's a movie that ranks right up there with The Big Easy ~ fer't same reason. Dennis Quaid. Everyone's favourite grinner. And he's left-handed, so it goes wi'owt saying that he's on my ok list. I'm sorely tempted to make an exception and shunt him into "Gods" territory, but there's just a little something that keeps him firmly in "Favourites". Except when you see movies like the above mentioned. Makes you re-assess and question your priorities. Innerspace was famous for him just being strapped to't chair for 90 minutes. The Big Easy… Well, everyone knows what that were famous for. When they made that crappy TV series of it int early 2000 or late 90's, whenever it were, it didn't quite have the same content. Abs. Dennis Quaid made the movie by walking round wi'owt a shirt and displaying those oh-so-sculpted abs of his. Bloody marvellous. The fact that he's had his porkier moments since dunt come into it ~ did you see the remake of the James Stewart movie Mr Quaid did, Flight of the Phoenix? Just goes to show, if you had muscles int first place, it's easier to get em back than if you never had em at all…

Have to mention Flagrant Harbour's post on the ostensibly unfair suing of a man for downloading stuff from t'internet. Nice reporting ~ made me chuckle (although I did feel bad fer't poor bastard. Hope he gets out of it alright).

On a completely different subject, what's with spaghetti? I hate cooking the fucking stuff cos you just know it ent going where you want. In the sink, over the stove, down your trouser leg, anywhere you care to name except the bloody bowl it's being aimed at. Pisses me off. I'm trying to write in between making tea, as it's now after 11pm and I've to go to bed soon. Probably shouldn't be eating the stuff anyway, but I've nothing else int flat.

Celebrity Deathmatches: who do you want? I want Ash (Evil Dead) v George W. Bush, just fer no other reason than one's an accidental hero and one's a wanker. And thanks to the miracle that is free speech, I can type that here and the worst I'll get is posts and comments telling me I'm a wanker. All I can say to that is: my garden wall's four feet high.

And good news for all us Hotel Babylon fans ~ a second season has been commissioned. Just have to hope that Max Beesley is along fer't ride too. Hmm. Having the words "Max Beesley" and "ride" in the same sentence makes me forget what I was doing… Now all we need is a cameo from Ewan McGregor and it'd be perfect! He could be a nasty fucker of a customer maybe. I could see that… And he'd have to have it out wi Max Beesley ! Yes! Fisticuffs at sunset! Bring on the water and towels…

And thanks to having read the Devil's Kitchen again, and trying to keep up, I tried the IQ quiz. Then found something much more fun from the panel ont left hand side:


How evil are you?

You Are 48% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Ok, so I'm no Dr No, but I'm trying. Takes time, you understand. And I didn't even get t' pub quiz tonight ~ ongoing saga of my fucked water heater to sort wi engineer. Hope to make it next week...

Tags:
Dennis Quaid ~ Big Easy ~ Max Beesley ~ Hotel Babylon ~ Ewan McGregor ~ Sam Raimi ~ Evil Dead ~ George Bush

Batman, Genies, Stars and Biscuits

[Singing:]Well it’s ever so funny, cos I don’t think you’re special, I don’t think you’re cool. Yer just probably alreyt, but under these lights you look beautiful…

Someone asked me who the Gene Genie was t' other day. The cheek! I'll get to im int minute…

First of all something that needs to be written down to be appreciated. A student friend o mine suggested that Daniel Wu (Ng Yin-Jou) should run fer't next Batman. Wait! The bloke has a good point: he says that all the previous Batman actors have had dodgy mouths. And looking back, I agree wi him! Michael Keaton: duck-billed. Val Kilmer: teeth. Christian Bale: superglue accident (no, I'm not even going to dignify George Clooney, but I do have to point out that he has strange front teeth too). So: Daniel Wu ~ turtle-beak. He's also fit and not bad to look at. And he'd do well slapping bad men about, as he's a bit nimble too. Problem solved then. If the lovely Christian Bale dunt want to come back, we can always call Daniel Wu.

Now then, the Gene Genie. We all know he's a character from BBC1's Life on Mars, and we've all spent time trying to remember his fantastic lines. Erm… like:

"There'll never be a woman prime minister so long as I've got hole in me arse."
"It's whiter than a Ginger bird's arse!"
"It's 1973, almost dinnertime. I'm having 'oops!"
"Anything happens to this motor, I'll come round to yer houses and stamp on all yer toys!"
"I'm not catholic myself but doesn't it say thou shalt not suck off rent boys?"
"If me uncle had tits he'd be me auntie."
"This is Salford. You're more likely to find an Ostrich with a plum it's arse."
"Short, skinny bird in a big coat, lots o gob."
"Bloody hell, I've seen road accidents look more cheerful than you."
"If I want a bollocking for drinking too much I'll phone the wife."

And of course the two-parters, that rely much on your appreciation of a witty black-slap:

Sam: I think I've got something.
Gene: Number for the special clinic's on the wall.

Sam: I'm the negotiator.
Gene: I'll make you a hat!

Sam: I've got his address.
Gene: Great, I'll send him a Christmas card!

Sam: She's tall, fair, quite widely spoken.
Gene: Tall, big tits, and a big gob.

Thanks must go to Snugradio for his growing page of Huntisms! You have to hear the Gene Genie actually delivering these lines to appreciate why so many people watched the series… We have to wait till apparently October for the BBC DVDs to go on sale (unless they move them up), and apparently next year for season two to hit UK TV screens (although why they didn't just send im home and be done wi it I don't understand).

Talking of Manchester (where the series were filmed), look at this HERE! The Roxy Cinema, Hollinwood, is being closed. The owner has retired. A bit sad really ~ I think I dimly remember watching "Lady and the Tramp" there when I were about 4 years old. And as if that weren't bad enough, I was advised through a friend that Morrissey was born int same hospital at me! Bloody hellfire, that's not fair! Although I guess we are kinda alike in our manic depressive ways.

A couple o things to cheer me up then ~ Man Utd will not be getting telecoms giant LG to sponsor their shirts after Vodafone do a runner later this season. Fucking excellent! Now that's a biscuit for dippin'!
On top of that, Glazer is proper pissing off the Old Faithful! Tight fucker. I'd give im a year, if he weren’t going to just keep finding credit whenever he needed it.
And one more thing ~ found the ringtones I wanted! Yay! I've now got Aaron Kwok's "I Buy" mp3 blaring at me when someone calls. And where did I find it? Under me very nose at Yeah Mobile.com. Now that's a biscuit for dippin'!

Peach and lube, then.

Tags:
Gene Hunt ~ Life on Mars ~ Manchester United ~ Aaron Kwok

My kingdom for a ringtone…

Have to just draw your attention to this ~ it's fab… Nice product placement, lads, well done!

Anyway, where were we. Oh right. PCCW came finally and put in my broadband and TV, so as you can see, I've been posting all the stuff I wanted to before but couldn't. Apart from that I've been watching Clive Owen doing BMW commercials. Like this one, all about him being The Driver for someone who's on his way to try and Beat the Devil. Gary Oldman had me in stitches ~ about time he did something wi his real voice on, eh. I always thought he were fab.

Just so as you remember this ent turning into a Clive Owen appreciation page, I'm letting you know I got the Aaron Kwok album today that I've been waiting on fer AGES. Well, since Boxing Day when he sat down and signed it. ("Thanking you".) Now there's a bloke that needs to get his kit off at any and all opportunities. I wish I had some saucy pics, but all I've got is him in his wee vest. Have to do, I suppose. Lovely arms on that man. He's just pulled out o a planned film project cos he's too busy ~ recording new albums, I hope. Not that we've waited or anything mate, but please give us a bit more to go on than 3 new songs every year. We may be patient fans, but that dunt mean we'll be patient forever. Then again, I know I'll rant and rave like he's not good enough, and then when he does bring out summat everything else gets dropped like a hot metal saucepan handle when he finally does get summat released. I should just shut it and wait, eh. After all, he's got this new film ("Father and Son / After This Our Exile") out soon. Hopefully before't end of HK film festival, but we'll have to see.

Which brings me to my Reason Fer't Rant for today: ringtones. As in, mobile phone True Tones, or whatever you call em. I'm fucked off wi all this. I get back to HK and try as I might, I can't find anyone who has Aaron Kwok ringtones, so I'm stuck wi "Flight" on my Samsung D508 right now. Not that I don't like the song, but I was kinda hoping fer "I Buy" or maybe "Dear", the two songs which are my favourite ones right now. But can I find anyone who carries them? Can I fuck. And before you say, "why don't you just transfer the mp3 to your phone?", I can't make my Bluetooth or my e-mail settings work. I'm reyt fucked off wi it all. I went t' Sunday shop yesterday, and was told to get my POP settings from my e-mail account. Riiiiiiiiiight. What's wrong wi taking it to't shop, pointing it at staff and saying "make it work" in a "make the bad man go away" kinda voice? Honestly, that's what they're there for, to pander to me every whim ~ I do pay fer a contract, you understand. Still, at least I have the mp3s to listen to. Well, they're on me iPod Shuffle, so that's close enough.

And THIS is just excellent. You can't beat the writing and general I-may-not-know-about-being-polite-but-I-know-what-I-like attitude. I'm wi him, after some careful consideration. Like The Gene Genie says, if 1 in 20 people you arrest and bang-up are innocent, it means you've arrested 19 fuckers who deserved it. Talking of speaking your mind, if you have Adium X on yer Mac and you want to annoy more people when on messenger programmes (like them people that try to talk you into becoming a prostitute or trying to sell you summat), go to the Adium updates page and look at the extra Applescripts ~ and get yourself the Shakespeare Insult Generator. It's fab. Where else can you get stuff like "eat my knickers, thou tottering boil-brained hedge-pig!" Or even "My finger in thine eye, thou pribbling boil-brained strumpet!" I'm indebted to the blokes that wrote this little Applescript, it's fucking smart by the way.

And that's about all I've got to moan about today, sorry. Except to say ~ if you're my student, I didn't write this. Peach and lube to you all…

Tags:
Clive Owen ~ Aaron Kwok ~ BMW ~ Gary Oldman ~ Apple Mac ~ Life on Mars

Clive Owen: Sexy Beast!

Just seen Sin City, as it was showing on TVB Pearl tonight. Now, a short time ago, me mate asked me if I wanted to watch it. I said I kinda felt like it, but wont overly fussed about getting it out t' video shop. So I didn't watch it in England. I've just got back t' Hong Kong, and it's ont telly. Fab. I'm having a shite day, as PCCW didn't turn up to put my fucking broadband in – again. There were supposed to be here last night, but there were a problem. "I'll come back tomorrow at 4pm" turns into "Where the fuck are you?" at 6pm. This turns into: "Just called the engineer, he says he's running late, how about 8pm?" There's me: "What choice do I have?", and again, come 9pm, he's nowhere to be seen. Fucking fuck.

Anyway, picture me sat ont sofa wi a new packet of cigarettes, cursing the whole goddamned company seven ways from Sunday. There's no beer int house and no way I'm going out to get it. Fuck it. I play my compilation CD very loudly and enjoy every minute of it, and hope I'm pissing off the upstairs neighbours who regularly find ways to annoy me wi dragging furniture about upstairs.
Then I put ont telly and there's Sin City. I've missed the first 30 minutes ~ of course I have! This is me we're talking about! But I'm thinking, I couldn't be arsed. I don't want to watch it. I really don't want to be arsed. But something makes me watch ~ Mickey Rourke in amazing make-up, getting splattered by wee Elijah Wood, or at least, something that looks like it could be Elijah Wood. I'm fascinated. I'm watching. And then it all goes Pete Tong for Mickey Rourke, and he ends up the way of the HK hero. Enter what seems to be the next story ~ Clive Owen and that bird from the Mark Dacascos movie, Drive. What's her tit, Brittany Murphy, or some such. Anyway, Clive Owen cuts a realistic figure (we won't say "dashing") and gets into all kinds o shite, but he pulls through. It was the whole romantic picture of black and white, daring heroes, fast-driving, insane crazy-eyes, and winning over the scum etc., that had me pinned. He were fab, he were super-cool, he were celluloid's gift. If there were ever a movie to back up what he pulled off in Closer, Sin City were it. Just fucking fab. He had some good lines, and he did em well. Fan-fucking-tastic. And I'm thinking, didn't he get into my Fantasy Royal Marines Commando Corps? I'll have to dig that one up and slot him in, arf arf. (Have to say though, that bird who was head of the girls in Old Town made all the difference. I want to be her when I grow up.)

And then, cut again to another story ~ or is it? Now we have Bruce Willis waking up int bed, apparently after surgery o some kind. Having missed the first 30 mins, I'm not sure if it's actually Mickey Rourke's character swapping bods, a bit like Lost Highway. But no, later on it's confirmed it ent. Anyway, Bruce Willis is back on form and super-fab. I'd give him one ~ but he is American, and therefore cannot join my Fantasy Royal Marines Commando Corps. Bummer. As long as wore white vest, he'd be fine (you know he can't die when he's wearing a white vest, right?).
So here's me, wetting myself over how fab the film was, even though I've had a shitty afternoon and evening spent being totally fucked off wi a major telecommunications company. All the time they're arsing around wi installation "problems" (which have to be imaginary ~ the old modem was only taken away 2 weeks ago for fuck's sake, and they even left the cables behind! All he had to do was plug the new box into the old line and switch it on! How fucking hard is that?), I'm left wi'out a net connection, and that's puts me in a sweary kinda mood.

Anyway, I actually have to go to bed now, as I have to be up early tomorrow. Fuckers, all of em. All I wanted was broadband. Was I asking much?

Peach and lube to you all. Unless you're PCCW.

Tags:
Clive Owen
Sin City

The Fantasy RMC Corps Strikes Back… (8th March '06)

Ok, I’ve had some feedback since mentioning this little idea to people ~ people are trying to twist my arm to get other people into my Fantasy RMC Corps. Can I just remind everyone I’m looking for the actual ACTORS themselves, NOT the characters they’ve played. Right, that said, let’s look at the suggestions one by one, shall we?

Let’s look at who we have:
Sean Bean,
Max Beesley,
Ewan McGregor.
Hmm, not exactly bursting at the seams, are we? Who else then?

Sean Pertwee? Remember Event Horizon’s 6-foot engineer, Smith? Yep, he’s in. Ok, he’s from London, but nobody’s perfect. Nick Moran? Nah ~ not burly enough (and we don’t want any more Cockneys in here than necessary). Clive Owen (a Coventry boy) ~ absolutely yes! He’s in!

Someone suggested Christian Bale, and I’d have to endorse that application. After all, he represents Wales, is a bit burly (when he wants to be) and is a dab hand at kicking seven shades o shite out o people. He’s in! How about Jason Isaacs? Yes, alright, he started out in Capital City, the TV series, but he’s from Liverpool. He’s in! Robert Carlyle: Why are we even discussing this? Begbie's in! Daniel Craig? A Chester boy brought up in Liverpool? That’s credentials alone: in!

But what about the other parts of the far-flung once British Empire: the Commonwealth? First up, because I put in his application, is Karl Urban, representing New Zealand. (Think Xena's Caesar, Lord Vacco, John “Grim” Reaper, Eomer, and of course Jamie Forrest from Shortland Street.) No question: in! Let’s be having Hugh Jackman. Born in Sydney but played a Canadian onscreen ~ marvellous! Who wouldn’t let him in? Sign ‘em all up, give em their gear, I want em all in uniform ASAP…

Some have argued I’m using the Commonwealth because there aren’t enough useful lads on British soil, but I would argue that (1) I’ve already got a shitload above, and (2) you can’t leave out a few good men just cos they were born int wrong place. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying they should have been born in England, I’m just saying they shouldn’t be denied the chance of joining our league of extraordinarily buff gentlemen just because they’re not British. After all, a buff bloke is a buff bloke, and land’s just land ~ except I do draw the line at America (they're "Royal" Marines Commandos, after all).
So we have our men. Hmm. Now I can sleep easy at night. Of course, if you think I’ve left anyone out, feel free to let me know…

Oh no! I've just re-read this for proof-reading, and do you know who I've left out? Do you realize what I almost did? I nearly left out the Gene Genie himself! DCI Gene Hunt, from Life on Mars! Bloody hell! What was I thinking? He could be The Sarge! Right then, in wi him, too!

Tags:
Sean Bean ~ Max Beesley ~ Ewan McGregor ~ Sean Pertwee ~ Clive Owen ~ Christian Bale ~ Jason Isaacs ~ Robert Carlyle ~ Daniel Craig ~ Karl Urban ~ Hugh Jackman ~ Life on Mars ~ Royal Marines Commando

FUCKING FUCK-FUCK! (11th March '06)

OK, I'll get right down to it: What is it wi men being complete wusses? When they're ill, or just can't cope, they come up wi some pathetic excuse to cry off. And the bastards have the nerve to complain about girls whinging about "women's' problems". Fuck you mate, you don't see me blagging a day off cos I can't cope wi managing five small children for only NINETY MINUTES…

I'm going to have to start at the beginning, obviously.

First of all, not all men are wankers, and not all wankers are men. There. But it's becoming more and more common for me to encounter completely ineffectual representations of maleness and I'm starting to wonder if I didn't meet all the decent ones earlier on, and all that's left are the fucking useless shites that piss off everyone all day every day.

Example: A teacher I know. He rolled into work on day one, saying he knew all about it: "been there sweetheart, know the drill" etc. Fine, get in there and teach, he was told (bearing in mind every tiny thing was set up for him already). He went in and taught, fair enough. But after two weeks it became apparent that he was taking the piss and clearly had no interest in teaching kids, or in fact doing a decent day's work wherever it landed. After mixing up two different classes' worksheets (about 3 years apart, I might add) and either not realizing or not just not caring what he'd done, he laffed it off. Wanker. Then did it again, a week later. Fucking wanker.

Then he moans about not being able to carry on after two classes on a Saturday, citing "emotional problems". In the quiet words of the virgin Mary: "Come again?" You're supposed to be a bloke. You're supposed to be better than us weak women, and work ninety hours a day down coal mine to prove it etc. What the fuck? My mother DIED and I still went to work ~ because I knew there were no cover. Emotional problems my fucking moaning arse. GET A FUCKING LIFE, you sad goit.

That's better.

That word brings me onto another point: fucking PCCW. Anyone who knows me knows that I've used The 'C' word about ten times in my entire life, but after staying wi my Scots friend for a few months, I've got to say there actually ARE times when I feel it's necessary. (Just to clarify, what I mean here is that when someone else uses the word non-stop, usually as a common all-purpose pronoun for anyone they greet, you get used to its casual use. I have a Welsh friend who does the same wi the word "bastard": "alright bastard?" etc.) Sometimes no other word will do ~ when you need something totally offensive and completely, utterly and in all senses fucking angry and vitriolic, it's got to be The 'C' Word. At the moment I'm reserving it for the devastatingly deserving cunt who disconnected my broadband modem last. About two weeks ago, apparently. He seems to have dismembered or otherwise totally fucked up the connection from my flat to the building's phone system, so the broadband (cable) TV and broadband could not be connected. Oh, all the lovely shiny new equipment is here, like a decoder modem and 'net modem, but none of it has a phone line connected. Lovely! Just what I wanted at the end of a Saturday, when everyone I know is too busy to come round and get pissed or share some dodgy cigarettes. Can you believe it? Of course you can, it's happened to me… Anyway, that may well be the first and last time I write The 'C' Word here.

On nights like this I feel like watching something like Tony Leung Chiu-Wai and Chau Yun-Fat in Hard-Boiled, where everyone who's anyone gets shot at just the right angle to spurt gallons of blood over sets and other actors. Yes! Bring on the Rivers of Blood! Make every cunt suffer for my personal amusement!

Oh dear. I think I'm going in the bad fire for this one…

At least I have me collection of, dare I say it, BritPop on CD still. Can I call it that? Or have times changed already? Anyway, it consists of Arctic Monkeys, Franz Ferdinand and Oasis at the moment. I'm thinking of making a compilation album called ANYTHING, JUST MAKE SURE IT'S LOUD, OK?, after that Good Morning Vietnam sketch. It suits my mood, you see. At the moment I'm in love wi Curtains Closed and Bigger Boys and Stolen Sweethearts (if they're the correct names) by the Arctic Monkeys. Curtains Closed is fab, just for the whole "didn't want it but it was already rolled" thing… It's been how I've felt since I got back to HK ~ I don't really want it, but go on, I might as well. In about a week I'll wake up and realize I've bought all kinds of shite, thinking I half-wanted it at the time. Then I'll have a big clear-out again and it'll all go in the charity bin at end of street. Bigger Boys is great ~ it reminds me of all the things I love about Arctic Monkeys. They have this way of taking every day things and writing lyrics that cut you to the quick, cos you remember it happening to you like that. Bigger Boys reminds me of going to college (before Burberry hats) and getting picked up by ma man. They were not all great memories, but its great to hear it in lyrics now. It reminds me I do actually have experience that counts, in some sad way. The song's almost as good as From the Ritz to the Rubble. I've played that constantly since I got it from iTunes. How fab is that song? It's everything that is good and bad wi going out of an evening ont piss. Fantastic.

The main reason I've got these loud and slightly offensive songs playing, as well as stuff like Meaning of Soul by Oasis, is to add fuel to and allow me to enjoy me fucked-off mood to the full.

Does saying "peach and lube to you all" counteract all this animosity? I don't think so. Ah well. Fuck it. If I believed in an afterlife and therefore, Hell, I'd maybe give a fucking toss, eh.

Tags:
Arctic Monkeys

DO YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH OF MIND TO BE… (9th March '06)

...A ROYAL MARINES COMMANDO?

Then we’re looking for you! Yes, you! Hundreds ~ nay, thousands o young lasses all over t' UK are looking for you! Let me explain.

It all started when Sean Bean, he of the Sheffield accent so broad you could wallpaper an entire house wi it, did the adverts for the Royal Marines. They were recruitment adverts, extolling the virtues of becoming a soldier and fighting for Queen and Country on the side of England. It were all very stirring stuff ~ the whole “come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough” challenge was laid down, and I’m sure it appealed to many. The amusing thing was of course, people’s ideas of what a Royal Marines Commando should look ~ and sound ~ like.

If you ask people in Britain which accent is the “hardest”, what do you think the answer would be? Glaswegian? Cockney? Something like that ~ thanks to Brit-flicks like “Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels” and “Trainspotting” etc. Would anyone say “Mancunian”? “Lancashire”? “Yorkshire”? Probably not ~ it makes people think of Coronation Street, Eric Morecambe or Peter Kay, not exactly the country’s representatives of hard men. So the sound of a rough, demanding Sheffield voice challenging you to join up may sound odd. But the advert did garner legions of fans…

Females up and down the country responded to the Sharpe-like voice, a character he played in a TV series. And his accent and character were synonymous wi “less of your bollocks, more of your work, or are you a Southern wanker after all?”. Richard Sharpe gets the job done, come hail, snow, opposing armies or a four minute warning siren. He could be knee-deep in thick, seeping, squelching mud of about 2 degrees Celsius, and he’d say: “bit damp, that”. He could be stabbed and bleeding to death int fight, and he’d say: “is that all you can manage?”

Oh yes, and he always has a legion of ladies in waiting. One in every port, you might say. Why? He’s rough, ready, and some would admit, it’s the accent…

So is the accent that much of a stumbling block to his credibility as a hard man? Apparently not. He’s made as many Hollywood films as Brit-flicks, if not more. Only, he does seem to be cast as the evil mastermind quite a bit… GoldenEye’s Alec Trevelyn, The Island’s evil scientist/company director… He’s had his fair share of nasty characters. Maybe it’s the balance for playing Sharpe for so long on UK TV, and why his thick-as-Marmite accent sells everything from Morrisons' supermarkets to Royal Marines.

So if he’s the undisputed top voice totty on English TV, who else could rival him? Who else, from our own isles, could be rough, ready and buff enough to join his no-nonsense band of Royal Marine Commandos? Hmm… let us see…

Well, we have Mr Max Beesley, from Burnage. Nice. Can we have Ewan McGregor? He headbutts people, you know. And he’s from Crieff, which means I have to add that he’s from the only county that speaks proper Queen’s English.

I can’t think of any more just now. You’ll have to choose your own and send them in ~ answers on an e-postcard to me, care o this blog. Could be interesting!

Tags:
Sean Bean
Ewan McGregor
Royal Marines Commando

Er, was that me? (8th March '06)

You know how you're pissed and you remember everything you do, but only actually recall it later wi that "did I really do that? I guess I did" kind of feeling? I'm getting it right now.

I remember coming through Customs and Passport Control, but I'm only now just registering what I did and didn't do at the time. I still don't remember seeing any Duty Free shops in HK, and I'm only know regretting the Missing of the Cigarette Stands. Anyway, I realized tonight that I also started two arguments while jet-lagged and totally fucked up on pure orange juice ("pure as the driven snow that shit then") and roasted peanuts.

The first heated exchange was caused by the fact that, for about the tenth time I've come through HK's lovely "new" airport (built in about 1998, I think), there have been insufficient pens for writing out your Immigration card.

No wait. When I say "insufficient", I mean "a pitiful token number of non-working models, left out to pretend that someone actually gives a fuck and bothers to re-stock the bloody counters". I'm sick and tired of the number of times I've gone to't desk and then finding the chained pen has in fact no nib, or is just plain out of ink. The other pen is obviously missing. So why do I bother? Why do I keep spotting the solitary chained pen and fooling myself into believing that, just for once, they'd bothered to leave out a working one? Why do I continually lie to myself and fall for the same trick each time? Why does my sister have a garden wall that's four feet high?

So I went. The pen didn't work. I decided that if they didn't provide pens, then they obviously didn't really want me to fill int form after all. I queued. When I got to't magic desk and produced my empty form, the conversation went something like this:

Official: You haven't filled in your form.
Me: There are no pens.
Official: There are pens provided on the desk.
Me: I'm sorry, you're right. But they don't work.
Official: Have you tried them all?
Me: I can't be sure ~ how many do you have?
Official: You can't come through until you've filled it in.
Me: Do you have a pen I could borrow?
Official [looking round desk, hoping not to find one]: Here. Would you like to stand to one side while you fill that in?
Me: No, but thank you. [fills in card, deftly ignoring the long line of people waiting for their go] There we are.
Official: Thank you.

She spared it a glance before ripping off top layer and discarding it ~ probably int bin ~ and then simply stamping me in. I know she didn't read it because I wrote "Thump" int surname box and didn't bother to fill in my home address, address in HK or in fact the signature. I guess it were really important after all. But then, she were only doing her job.

The second test of my patience came as I got ont bus. Now, normally the M47 that swings by the airport is a single decker wi a wheelchair or pushchair space near the front. This is obviously for parking said chairs should you need to. It's also a really handy place to stash a large suitcase so as you're not in anyone's way. So of course the M47 bus that picks up this time is a double decker wi no such amenities (shouldn't that illegal? What if I had a wheelchair?), so I squeezed the suitcase between the front of the first row o seats and the plastic partition. And sat across the seat, keeping me feet and knees out o't way.

The first people to get ont bus were about a hundred years old and straight away moaned (in Chinese) that I were wasting a seat. I looked over and asked them where else they'd like me to put me suitcase, seeing as the bus weren't equipped and yet still stopped at the airport. They just apologised and went back to chatting quite happily about some bird they knew who were cleaning them out at Mahjong. I guess that took it out o me then, cos after that I really didn't seem to care. I wanted me bed, and someone else to carry me suitcase up three flights o stairs for me. No such luck.

You know before I said me hair was starting to make me look like a gay Luke Skywalker? It's got worse. I'm all for chucking in for any old hairdresser tomorrow morning, but I'll wait till weekend and go back to't guy in Causeway Bay that did such a grand job last time. And he were half the price of the ex-flatmate's shop. Bargain.

Like today's pic? Thought I'd vary it a bit ~ I need time to trawl fer more Ewan and Max pics, and I've no net connection at the moment, so it'll have to wait. I always like Ken though, he were a proper superhero…

Anyway, that's it, so peach and lube to you all. Take care, and I'll see you all again very soon.

Tags:
Gatchaman

JEREMY BRETT: GOD

As this is the last entry I'll make before getting ont plane to Hong Kong, I guess I should make it a nice one. So no swearing then, no complaining about the weather or TV. The weather's been crap, the sleet and snow pissing me off left, right and centre, and the fact that I'm only worried about flight socks before I fly tomorrow must tell you how much I'm not going to miss this country. But actually we've had an OK week, TV-wise. They've been repeating the old "Adventures of Sherlock Holmes" TV series, starring Jeremy Brett ~ the greatest Mr Holmes ever. He is Mr Holmes ~ and goes straight into the "Gods" category. Oh, right, let me explain: me and me sisters have a game we play. You know the old "six degrees of Kevin Bacon" game, where you pick an actor or actress and have to connect them to Kevin Bacon through their works? We do that too. We have a better, and much more subjective, game, called "Gods or Favourites".
Someone starts by giving the name of an actor, and everyone else has to say whether they're an acting god or just a personal favourite. For example, Robert De Niro: God. Dennis Quaid: Favourite. See? Anyway, we were talking about Jeremy Brett, and he's an acting god. Most recently they've shown "The Greek Interpreter" ~ which introduces Dr Watson to his "very much gifted brother" Mycroft Holmes (played by Charles Grey). I have to say this is one of my favourites, as Jeremy Brett never seemed more alive and animated. Although I do love it when he's bored and extremely petulant. When I read the Sir Conan Doyle stories I imagine that it's Jeremy Brett. Even though he passed away in 1995, and didn't actually have a happy time of it, even as he was filming the final episodes of Sherlock Holmes, I will always remember him as the man who sorted out the Red-Headed League, found that the bell-rope was actually a snake, that the man on the bicycle was following the spirited young lady, and every other minor or major triumph he brought about. He's definitely a god then. And yes, I've seen a few Basil Rathbone films, I've watched some lovely old black and white movies about Mr Holmes' exploits, but I've got to say Jeremy Brett is the fabbest Mr Holmes ever. You cannot describe how his changing facial expressions add bizarre twits of interest to the tale of the chase. And back in his slightly earlier years, he was a bit of a stunner. Sharp, bird-like features, a singular wit and yet a lovely man, he's sadly missed.

So, what will I miss about the UK when I'm back in the flat in HK, in about 2 days' time? Er… Give me a minute… There must be something…


Tags:
Jeremy Brett
Sherlock Holmes

Benton Fraser: Warrior Mountie!

Here's a good quote from my favourite doctor, Dr Perry Cox (Scrubs): "People aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine." Isn't that fab? Something to think about, eh.
Changing subjects, did you see Hotel Babylon last night? BORING!!! One, Charlie didn't get ANY kit off ~ and just when, wi about 10 mins to go ~ it looked like he were about to, it all went Pete Tong and he stopped at the Pulling of the Tie. And Reason Two, they padded out a story they could so easily have made fun and exciting. What's wi all the wide shots of London village? Why the fuck would I want to be reminded that the otherwise colourful series is set in that rainy dirty filthy spit of capital-city-status-stealing pit? That and the fact that it were clearly wasting time, when they could have injected so much more action or some of the usual witty dialogue into it. I was left wanting.

We haven't seen much of the guy behind reception, otherwise known as The Gay One, or The Black One, etc. He's lovely, and yet he doesn't get as much screen time as he should. Then there's Gino the bar manager ~ he's great and comes out with his own one-liners that are fab. We want more Gino! This is the guy that blames Charlie for the audit, so he tells Jacquie to tell him there's no sex for't two weeks. Cheeky bugger. He's coming out with some good one-liners these days, almost as amusing as our own DCI Gene ("the Gene-Genie") Hunt. Let's see, what fantastic instant funnies have we had over the 8 episodes? My personal favourite has to be: "There'll never be a woman prime minister so long as I've got hole in me arse!"

People have listed all kinds of reasons why Life On Mars has done so well ~ but my personal belief is that people want TV that's non-PC (no pun intended). People want to hear the old jokes again, the same stuff that made (and still makes) The Sweeney so popular. It's funny, it's got that "I shouldn't be laughing at this these days" feel to it. I wonder if we're starting with a PC backlash.

Also in the amusing TV slot this week, we had an episode of Due South. I haven't watched this in years, but I have to say it were really funny. I never tire of that Canadian bloke ~ he's a Mountie and everything. Anyway, in this particular episode, he went undercover to be a teacher in a girls' school. As a woman. This was of course hilarious right from the outset, as he's about 6 foot of strapping animal-tracker-type-hero. Squeeze him into a dress and a chestnut / auburn long wig, and he starts to bear a remarkable resemblance to Xena, Warrior Princess… Except he was a bit, well, transvestite-looking. (No resemblance, I'm happy to say, to the pic I've got posted here. I just posted this to get blokes' attention like.) He can't help it, he's a bloke wi about size 10 feet, after all. Anyone in New York was probably thinking "perhaps she used to be a bloke, let's just not dwell on it cos she's genuinely nice to everyone". There was a marvellous moment whereby two girls stop him/her in the corridor to be spiteful:

Girl 1: We’re on to you, Miss. We see the way you’re always opening doors for women.
Girl 2: And the way you’re, like, incredibly tall.
Girl 1: And polite.
Girl 2: Totally!
Girl 1: We hear the way you talk.
Girl 2: For sure. You know, you can’t fool us.
Girl 1: We should have known right from the start.
Girl 2: You’re a… Canadian!

I was wetting myself ~ especially when the poor Mountie, all taken-aback by the fact that they hadn't cottoned on to him being a bloke, just says: "Ah, girls? Could we please keep this between ourselves?" They kind of flounce off, making the obligatory remarks about him paying in the long run, etc. But it was a fab moment.

I really should pack my suitcase now. I fly in 3 days and I haven't sorted my life out yet. I might even have to mail some of my DVDs to HK, as not everything is going to fit in my suitcase…

So, peach and lube to you all. Take care, and I'll see you all again very soon.


Tags:
Life on Mars
Hotel Babylon
Due South
Xena

Arrgh! Nationalities headache!

Aaaaargh! Now my head hurts ~ read THIS and see why...

In other news, Christian Slater is back int West End soon, playing Jack Nicholson's role in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Thanks to my sister for pointing this out, and also that I'll be in HK again when he's treading the boards. Bugger.

Apart from that, it's freezing here and I'm following the patch of sunlight working its way round the room, trying to stay warm. And waiting for Hotel Babylon tomorrow night. It's episode 7 of 8 ~ and knowing I'll miss no. 8, I'm kind of looking forward to no. 7. Very upset I'll be missing the further adventures of Charlie Edwards, but what can you do?

In still other news, get a load of this: Stephen Fry (Smartest Luvvie in the World, TM) has a thing for Apple Macs. Of course he does! He's the smartest luvvie in the world! Of course knows that Macs are the future! See HERE...

Still annoyed about the BBC dragging out the end of Life On Mars, pretending it wasn't, and then just not sending him home. Gits. The only way to make it up to us is to write a bloody good series 2, or there'll be trouble. By 'eck an that, eh.

Tags:
Stephen Fry
Life on Mars
Hotel Babylon